Broadly Offensive

Newness

2010-08-11T19:18:00.002Z

Well the time has come for me to grow up and stop playing on the intrawebz.... I JEST!

I just gots a domain! So now you can find all our adventures at broadlyoffensive.com WOOO!

Getting old now

2010-05-09T11:42:00.003Z

Thank fuck and all things relating to fuck that avatars don't age! This is my av in 20 years time

Do yourself at In 20 years.com

Gone to the dogs

2010-04-29T15:58:00.003Z

Cos we're a bit insane, we got a puppy today *cue pictures*

Everyone together.... AWWWWWWW

Sizing up dinner (Please note I do not have any say in what my children wear or buy, hence those shoes)

Dog Flail

Nothing exciting just another OMG WANT picture for the hormonally imbalance (me)

Brief bit of info for anyone who cares. The puppy is a boy puppy and is now named Loup, it sleeps a lot and hasn't crapped anywhere... yet.

Loup's mum was a German shepherd crossed with a Malamute and his dad was a Husky crossed with a Czech Wolfdog and he had 9 brothers and sisters (of which four still remain as far as I know for anyone interested in schlepping down to the Devon/Cornwall border for one of these).

Walkers World Cup!

2010-04-19T17:11:00.003Z

Recently (ish) Walkers (UK crisp manufacturer) unleashed some new flavours on the unsuspecting british public. I say unsuspecting, I didn't know about it cos I live under a rock but anyhoo. During this weeks shop I remember various plurks about the new flavours and decided to test them all out in a experimental style with points and comments and everything. People involved in the proceedings were Me, Tie and children numbers 1,2 and 3. However we realised at the time of writing we had missed 3 countries (They must have been sold out, but we shall add them in at a later date).

Broadly Offensive's world cup debris scattered across the 'pitch'

First of all we had Guessing The Country game with much confusion and complaining that "They all taste like salt and vinegar" (Tie) and occasional whimpering. Things got very competitive with much changing answers but eventually Tie won with 4/12 and Child Number 2 was second with 1/12. Everyone else failed or wasn't taking part (I was the referee and setter upperer and child 3 was being stroppy)

Everyone was involved in the point scoring part. Trying to be fair and all we gave each crisp selection a vote of 1-5 (1 being rubbish) based on it tasting like what it oughta and general taste. It should be noted that child number 3 is very small and gave everything a 5.

American Cheeseburger

This one looked like it might be an early favourite, with my McDonalds loving brood "It's oversalted and crunchy like a big mac" said Tie, but sadly for the American team it was a poor start to the proceedings.
Kitty: 4
Tie: 3
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 2
Child 3: 5

Brazilian Salsa

Tangy and tomato-y was unpopular with Tie claiming it to be "Roast Chicken" and I compared it to "Licking a pig"... Don't ask how I know this.

Kitty: 2
Tie: 2
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 5
Child 3: 5

Argentinian Flame Grilled Steak

Tie continued to prove to be lacking in tastebuds by claiming this was also chicken. Steak just didn't live up to a decent standard for the majority of my carnivore lot.
Kitty: 3
Tie: 3
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 5
Child 3: 5

Italian Spagetti Bolognaise

Tasting more like a bolognaise made with Dolmio *scoffs* than a proper spag bol this one didn't get a lot of attention.

Kitty: 3
Tie: 2
Child 1: 3 Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

Spanish Chicken Paella

Oh. My. God. This was baaaaaaaaaad... In an unmummy like fashion I blurted out "Fuck me that's rank" whilst dithering other whether spitting it out was a bad thing. Other exclaimations around the table. Tie said "It tastes like paella, but paella that's three weeks old and scraped off the back of a dog" (Tie actually said "dock" but I misheard and anyway dog sounded funnier). All this cemented spains place as 'a nasty'. Even small child didn't like it "But was giving it 5 anyway". She's very forgiving to potato based snacks.

Kitty: 1
Tie: 1 Child 1: 1
Child 2: 1
Child 3: 5

French Garlic Bread

I'm suspicious that our delight and love for the garlic bread was due to it removing the appalling taste of the spanish effort but this one was loved by all (It was the first pile to go during the country guessing)

Kitty: 5
Tie: 5
Child 1: 5
Child 2: 5 Child 3: 5

Dutch Edam

Aside from my woeful geography knowledge and complete lack of understanding as to what Dutch actually is in regards to a country the Edam was "Nice and cheesy but not Edam" in spite of the dude at the shop telling me that his girlfriend was agog with the fact it tasted like edam.

Kitty: 4
Tie: 5
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 2
Child 3: 5

English Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding

To be perfectly honest the whole yorkshire pud element messed this up for england which was like a beef flavoured crisp with something nasty on it.

Kitty: 1
Tie: 2
Child 1: 1
Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

German Bratwurst Sausage

In my humble opinion this should have been the england entry but that is merely my small view. It did taste very sausagey but not specifically german.

Kitty: 2
Tie: 3 Child 1: 1
Child 2: 1
Child 3: 5

Australian BBQ Kangeroo

I think we were all a bit bored of crisps at this point because this crisp launched a discussion on why it should have been barbequed koala bear. That and the fact it tasted much like the steak. Needless to say the points awarded we all a bit vague...

Kitty: 3
Tie: 3
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 4 Child 3: 5

South African Chutney

I have no clue what this should have tasted like but it was quite tomato-y again and Tie liked it very much.
Kitty: 4
Tie: 5
Child 1: 2
Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

Japan Teriyaki Chicken

Clearly geographical stupidity runs in the family because this crisp started a debate about china not being in the list with Tie claiming their non appearance probably due to the fact they're not very good at football. Then everyone buggered off in a bored fashion or started asking for clubs.

Kitty: 2 Tie: 3
Child 1: 2
Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

The Winner

With 25/25 points the clear winner was French Garlic Bread, so grats to france.

So I'm an emotionally stable sort of person....

2010-04-14T11:38:00.001Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	High
Schizoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Disorder:	High
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	Very High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Very High
Avoidant Disorder:	High
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Should I be worried about this

*runs around having a paranoid fit*

Thoughts on 2012

2010-03-30T07:28:00.003Z

Ever since I was very small my favourite films have always been end of the world esque epics. Godzilla films (I'm a King Ghidirah whore), The Towering Inferno, Jaws... Ok the last one isn't an end of the world film, but it's early and my brain is addled.

In more recent years there have been these disaster movies which I've watched diligently, Independence Day, American Godzilla (insert bleh face here), The Day After Tomorrow and the film I watched last night.... 2012.

Ignoring Godzilla (which I really only put in the list so I had a slightly longer list) these films all have something in common... They're all shit. Not shit as in bad acting, or whatever, just sickening. This is the END of the freaking WORLD. One bloke driving a limo with his deeply boring ex missus and her new husband (who the film was clearly trying to get everyone to hate, I dunno why, ok so categorically if you drive a porsche you're on the lower end of the sliding scale of humanity. But the kids obviously loved him as did boring woman so he wasn't doing that badly so why the hatred?) along with his kids, one of which was very sweet and wore a hat the other was just... meh, through mass destruction with 20 gazillionty people dying all at the same time and surviving. I mean I can suspend disbelief but SERIOUSLY!

I'm not going to offer up any spoilers (I'm pretty certain you've all seen the 5 minute clip) but I think a more realistic end of the world (ie, it actually being the end of the bloody world) would have worked well for this movie. Cos the special effects are AWESOME, and that's awesome in the proper sense of the word (mouth gaping slightly, eyes wide etc).

In another 'slightly' ranty moment. Wtf is it with the portrayal of the british in american big budget movies? It almost seems there is a stock choice of four british stereotypes which they employ from.

1) Old, wellspoken and sinister: Sir Anthony Hopkins, Ian McKellen et al
2) Foppish and bewildered: Hugh Grant
3) Mad: Various obscure actors who prolly appeared in old Micheal Caine films.
4) Shaven headed and from London: Vinnie Jones, Jason Statham.

(There is actually a fifth category of british but being american which I believe was copywrited by Ewan McGregor)

Also if britain needs to be featured it will be shown to be britain by the inclusion of Big Ben in the background somewhere.

All that aside, my recomendation if you want to watch a proper end of the world movie is to go and watch Cloverfield, so long as you skip the stupid bit in the park, it's pure gold.

Pyggermeback Festival

2010-03-04T20:04:00.002Z

As you all know the RL Kitty and Tie upped sticks and moved FOUR WHOLE MILES up the road, and have been settling into our new hometown and getting used to all it's customs. One of the more exciting festivals they have is the Pyggermeback Festival.

The date this festival began is unknown but takes its roots from 1841 when all the remaining french from the french occupation of cornwall had been pushed into caves in a nearby village. On the 6th of March these treacherous fiends gathered to form an army heading for our beloved village. On hearing of this great peril the local men formed their own army, standing proud at the entrance to our village singing cornish songs of heroism to rally the troops. One of these was the song Pyggermeback, which even the simplest of fools could join in with the words. When the french heard the good people of our village singing their song they turned on their heels and fled. Later they were pursued into their caves and slaughtered. Only a handful remained and these became the french survivalists.

The festival is a simple one, but it warms the hearts of all the locals and anyone in earshot. All the men of the village stand outside their homes at 8am and sing the same song their forefathers sang so many years ago...

Pyggermeback, Pyggermeback, Pyggermeback, Pyggermeback.
Pyggermeback, Pyggermeback, Pyggermeback to Trelawney

10 Things You Don't Know and Don't Need To!

2010-01-14T10:02:00.002Z

Aside from pondering changing the name of this blog to 'Will only post memes' I've been doing... Not so much! Have a meme!

1: I've had 15 siblings but am an only child (The siblings are all steps, halfs and fosters and I've never met 3 of them)

2: I was a complete ASBO teenager and my exploits included being picked up by the police at 4am wearing a nightie, being expelled from school and getting a caution (seperate occasion) for smashing a car windscreen.

3: I despise myself for saying LOL on occasion.

4: One of my best sexual moments was when I was still half asleep and dreaming about having a threesome in a police station.

5: I had a wart on my hand as a child and retaliated against the bullies by telling them it was contagious and chasing them around the playground.

6: I have a bone handled fooking massive bowie knife and it never fails to amuse me doing the whole "That's not a knife" in a shit aussie accent thing.

7: I never learnt an instrument as a child but can play the guitar to some degree now.

8: My ideal home would be a self sufficient farm in the middle of nowhere (I have quite worked the whole internet access into this fantasy yet)

9: Dead things freak me out, I can't look at or touch anything dead, even insects, as I have a terrible fear that bits of their body will break off.

10: I've grown to hate the name Kitty and fervently wish I could change it.

Happy birthd.... fuck it MUSTANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-09-28T08:15:00.004Z

So yah, it's mah birthday. And over the weekend Tie (who shall henceforth be known as Tie, the most awesome person in the universe EVAH) took me away from the hell hole that is Cornwall. We spent the night in a hotel, which had some pleasant amenities (porn) and we spent the evening enjoyably (had sex). The next day Tie fucked of and left me to sit outside the front of the posh hotel for some amount of time. Which was a bit pants cos it was quite posh and all the people made me feel like a tramp/hooker/internet freak/all of the above. But never mind all that cos they soon got their arses well and truely handed to them when Tie turned the corner in THIS...

Just to clarify this is a 1966 Fastback Mustang which is my DREAM CAR. Tie hired it for the day (complete with picnic) and Oh. My. God.

I very nearly 'dropped a gusher' right there and then in the hotel carpark, and then did several minutes later when it got 'opened up' on the road.

Holy fucking shit did that car make the sexiest noise ever, srsly. It's sexier than Captain Jack Sparrow murmuring rum soaked obscenities in your ear, it's THAT good. After roaring (and that isn't artistic licence, it did really roar) up and down the civilised lanes of middle england in the loudest rudest bad ass mother fucker to come out of the USA. Then we stopped in a layby to wank over the car and take more pictures (of the car, not the wanking)

And LOOK, this is the picnic we got with it (although we'd eaten much of the food by this point)

Then we tootled (translation - Tore up like a bitch) down some more lanes to the Heritage Motor Museum. Where we got in with a concessionary if we parked the Mustang where people could ogle it. Sadly though it's more of an English motor museum and we were promptly shunned by the many old shitty rover owners and up their arses Jaguar owners (although there was a crowd of Harleys but we don't think they liked us either).

There is the 'stang parked riiiiiiiight over on the left being SHUNNED. The bastards. Although we did feel slightly better when we angrily roared of past all their shit wagons.

I could carry on this blog post but I won't cos I think me and Tie have done enough verbal wankage over the car (to the point where we actually sound like retards) but I do want to say THANK YOU TIE for the besterest day ever!

p.s.

For all you petrol headed people you can have a look at the in and outs of the car here

Motorway Fun

2009-09-05T20:50:00.004Z

Above is a lovely picture of the M5 motorway in the UK, it goes from Exeter in Devon to... Somewhere else.. Anyhoo, Tie and I have driven this motorway many many times including today. Not specifically very interesting but bear with me. These are some amusing games that we play on the motorway.

Pissing people off - Fairly self explanatory, mostly involves not moving out of the way and preventing people overtaking other people. Also two lane overtaking, not pissing people off particularly but entertaining none the less.

Pick three cars - You have as long as you are on the motorway to pick 3 cars that you want. Today I picked a new Ford Ka, driven by a little old lady, which Tie claims broke down. A big fancy horse box thinger, lest there were hugely expensive thoroughbreds in there and a big thick throbbing Triumph with a back wheel width that was, well wide. Oh the noise that thing made *wistful sigh*.
Tie picked some giant camper van/palace on wheels, two random tankers (contents unknown) and the bike because it was the most awesome thing on the motorway.

Laughing at people - We were following a lil hatchback thing and listening to radio 1, then I noticed that the passenger of the LHT was flailing their arms around in a pretty good approximation of old school rave dancing (big fish little fish cardboard box). I pointed it out to Tie and then we noticed Faithless Insomnia was playing on Radio 1. Just before the anthemic kick off (which never fails to make the old hairs stand up) I said, he's going to dance again now... And he did, good times I tell you.

Playing 'games' with other cars - Tie mocks me continuously for this, but you can play little chasey games with other cars (on clear stretches at least) overtaking each other and general malarky. I find it fun and amusing, Tie claims it's all in my head and that the other cars are unaware they're playing a game, but it's NOT TRUE. They all know about it and enjoy it too.

DJ Chigadee - Not a game, but a random thought of how to update road safety adverts/programs. DJ Chigadee (Tie's choice of name btw) would appear on a massive billboard that BLINGS with the huge slogan "Chigidee check yourself before yo wreck yourself". The billboard would also shout this at people that were driving badly (Tie). DJ Chigidee would also shout "Driving when you is tired is whack, get some sleep aight". He would prolly sound a bit like Tim WESTWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

Yes we are mad.

New house has stuff in now!

2009-08-27T10:16:00.002Z

So, we moved in, got internet, played fun games with delivery people. Discovered exciting and interesting facts such as never hire a carpet shapooing thing cos it will piss all over your carpet, and that it's not easy to maneuver a giant fridge without nearly losing fingers and that curtains are quite useful really.

Anyhoo, thought you might appreciate a pictoral update of some of our new goodies (with too many fridge shots cos I LOVE MY FRIDGE) and also my pathetic attempt to start a meme (go me).

First up SOFAS!!

They're all red and squishy and STUPID ME I forgot to take a picture of the spinny chair, which is the most comfy chair ever but is now covered in children who will pull faces at the camera and vogue it up thus taking away from the beauty of the chair.

The one on the right is a sofabed thing, Laura and Willis will never sleep on it cos they have a treehouse.

This is the office/study/pooter room. This is where the magic happens (Paul Daniels is in the filing cabinet). My pooter is the sleek black one on the left and Tie's is the giant silver thing on the right.

We shall not bitch though cos Tie bought me a mouse mat with BOOBIES!

This is my pride and joy however, my fridge. It is mine. People have to ask before they put things in it and I can't walk past without gazing at it lovingly and stroking it's sleek black surfaces *squirms*

This is the water/ice dispenser and button panel. One of the buttons is a vacation button... I dunno if the fridge fucks off when you press it though.

And here is some dispensed ice. Look at the coldness!

Ah ha! Meme Time... What's in your fridge? More exciting than bags in my opinion. Here's crap in my fridge (and freezer).

Milk - Lots of, dairy products ftw.
Cheese - Various packets at various stages of consumed
Juice - Apple and orange
Taramasalata - I love that fishy shit
Packets of mussels
Meat - Steak, ham, mince, burgers, bacon, black pudding and sausages
Cream - Whipped, double and ice hehe
Vegetable and salady things including half a tin of sweetcorn.
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Best butter ever
Strawberries!!
Wine
Tonic for Tie's G&T
Eggs
Strawberry Cheesecake
STRUDEL!!!!1!
Chippy chips
Birdseye Potato Waffles (they're waffley versatile)
A tiny piece of chocolate fudgecake that everyone is to polite to eat
Frozen Cottage pie ready meal cos I occasionally get cravings for them
Boil in the bag fish things in sauce (Pfft, this started off so healthy didn't it *sighs*)
Lots of Muller Corner yoghurts (Chocolate and biscuit, not fruit)
Mayonaise, ketchup, coleslaw, tartare sauce, apricot jam, pate, smoothies and malt loaf.

And here's a bonus picture a fridge raider...

Yes, it's the cat with the giant fluffy tail known as Lardy.

Fin

ZOMG NEW HOUSE!!!!1!

2009-08-03T19:14:00.004Z

As you may or may not know, Tie and I have been enjoying the excitement of house buying and all that jazz and today, FINALLY, after braving the retarded solicitors, pushy estate agents and living in a big messy boxy shithole... We have our house, some of you will have seen in on the estate agent site, but these are pictures taken in the gloom today when we picked up the keys *hops squeals and bounces*

(WARNING: This post is VERY LONG and full of pictures, enjoy!)
(WARNING #2: I can't take photos, kkthnx)

So this is the outside of the new Broadly Offensive HQ. The sky was particularly dark and aggressive, as prolly were the neighbours.

This is my cooker, it came with the house and I reckon you could fit a cat in there, if not a child. I'll let you all know how that pans out.

Here is a picture of Replacement Tie. Replacement Tie stays hidden until needed, cleverly disguising itself as cupboards until you have some plates or something. Also, Replacement Tie does not require an endless stream of coffee which is a bonus. I'm not entirely sure Replacement Tie will be as adept in the boudoir, but as before, I shall let you know.

Look, I have no bloody clue what to call this, is it a breakfast bar? Is it a dining area, WHO KNOWS? I call it a table personally. You can also see the doors leading to small childs room and the study....

This will be the home of our pooters, sat side by side, bitching at each other. Not shown is the candlestick or Professor Plum.

Small childs room, small child is delighted with the overly girly mural thinger as am I. I'm sure it will last for a few years until she paints it all black and emos quietly out of the window.

Other side of small childs room with TEDDY BEAR SHELVES.. Oh yes.

Small child claims this is 'her' bathroom, but sadly she does not realise the effect of a jacuzzi bath on certain individuals (me)

Look! Jacuzzi bath!

Here is more kitchen which leads to utility room and other bed like rooms. Tie and I have concocted a fabulour plan to make bottles of blue nun look like dusty vintage wines on the wine rack, huzzah!

Not a shoe room, but a utility room, with a belfast sink, which is THE SEX ON FIRE, oh yes! I've wanted one of the bad boys since forever so YAY!

MY SINK! And a small lesson in what happens when you say "Don't get in the picture"

The stair complete with a gateway to hell. Little fact for you, you can fit 3 children in that space and I can well see 'What can we fit in the hole?' becoming a staple of this blog

Back end of the front room/lounge, not exciting but I don't do house showings by halves you know.
Milk Tray mans entrance.

Our room, white and boring really. Although BDSM bed in on route (in 8-10 weeks -.-)

Ensuite door and walk in wardrobe, which is actually walk in and has a clever light and everything. Also known as 'Best hiding place after the stair hole'
I have a feng shui sink, go me. Also, the people who were moving out left bog rolls with little points on which made me squee.

Walk in wardrobe.

Up the stairs with have another child room. The top of the house is basically just for my elder children, with their own bathroom so I don't have to deal with waiting outside the door during one of their epic 'sit on the toilet for as long as possible to piss mummy off' things.

View from the pink room, it's very grey but I assure you that is the sea in the background.

Child bath.

Child sink with funktastic glass block things.

Blue room, it's blue. And now for the outside...

Decking with little lights and poles for 'entertaining'

Willis and Laura's tree house!

I expect you both to decorate this!

A green house, may actually house plants at somepoint

Vegetable garden... Ditto.

So there is our new home.

Fin

My Wife the Clever Bunny

2009-07-30T14:37:00.006Z

Now I know I jest a lot about Tie's occasional bouts of silliness but I do love her very very much and think she is more awesome than a bagful of hybrid otters.

So this is just me going LOOK HOW COOL MY WIFE IS by showing you pictures (and a video) of her last build, although to be perfectly honest I could have just shoved in a picture of her arse cos she just radiates epicness.

Anyhoo

The whole thing is a seaside village, as you can see from the picture at the top, except it's got all these little walkways and steps hidden amidst the houses. Meaning you can get lost (I did, repeatedly -.-)

I loved these steps and the dock which is why I took many many photos of them.

Annoyingly enough this is for someone else, I don't get to live here *cries*

Woot for windlight!

This one was taken with shadow viewer, although I can't take proper snapshots and have to do print screens so ignore the sucky quality!

Shadow Viewer again

Steps in shadow viewer

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand the video.

Playing with Windlight

2009-07-14T10:58:00.006Z

For ages I had sulked about people taking super awesome pictures of places and when I went there the places/I sucked. So I thought "Meh", and decided to take my withered photoshop skills and hide them in a box to be forgotten. Then I remembered Torley had made a buttload of windlight presets and decided to have a play.

Now I'm not saying there wasn't some sort of awesome photoshoppery, but in some cases you can see that they'd just used some pleasing presets. One of the problems however is that there is a huge selection of presets, and it's hard work going through them all. So I'm mostly writing this for me to remember but you can all look at it too cos I'm nice like that!

All these were taken at Error, cos it's a bloody lovely sim and has lots of water which is helpful.

Up first, Holy Romance sky setting and Subtleties in the water. Kinda of a generic purty sunset thang.
This is Das Fog and Coral Reef, it looks kind of bleak and windswept, but with awesome reflections in the water (oh I should say, scuse me for sticking my arse in all the pictures, but I was lazy and lagged and couldn't be bothered to move)

This one is all alien and mystic, you can almost see Mulder and Scully burrowing in the undergrowth like voles. Obtained using Metal Gear Solid and Meridian Verde.

Fairytale Glow and Subtleties, I prefer hazier settings, and FG is very crisp, but it does look farkin cool. Would also work well with Ice-Like...

Which is seen here in combination with Use On Fine Ships. Ice-Like is prolly my favourite preset. You can get some really cool walking on clouds sort of looks with sky settings like Pink Sink and Peach Peche.

This one is Ice-Like with Purple Wisps and Egg Yolk (names ftw)

If you've ever used these settings you'll prolly have noticed most of them don't work very well on avatars, bleaching them and making them look like they're in a microwave. So I went through the whole list to try and find some cool ones.

From left to right: Evil Machinery, Planet Xmas, Phlogiston, Pale Incabon and Holy Romance.

Some of these are pure arty, Evil Machinery looks like crazy popart, Planet Xmas is green, very green. And kinda bronzy in a green way. Phlogiston would be good for darkened silhouettes. With slivers of light on the edges. Pale Incabon is just very nice soft light to look pretty in. Also loving the light with Holy Romance, kind of a stripper setting (I think about stuff in terms of strippers, ok?)

Set 2 from left to right: Ramshaguld, Rimmerthal, Sky as Canvas, Das Fog and Deep Blue Sky 2.
Ramshaduld looks like you're standing by a bofire on a very dark night, in world it even flickers which looks very very cool. Rimmerthal in my small opinion would be great with really bright clothing or if you love playing with contrast, SaC is another stripper one and Das Fog works the same as Ana Lutetia's Studio 2 Whiter setting which if you don't have you are FAIL. Deep Blue Sky looks very cold, which I like.

Last Set left to right (again): Farmotropic Sepia, Where Were, Slips Through Walls 6 and Climacontravasty.
FS is another good contrast one, although less darker than previous although can be iffy on faces, Where Were is another stripper one but more vibrant. STW6 is just crazy funk and Climawotsit has a really nice bronze effect on the bewblies, so go and take pictures of your tits.

If anyone has any ossm settings please let me know, I love playing with this stuff!

(Oh and here's a >> link << to Torleys settings if you don't have them!)

Is cupid ok?

2009-07-05T16:34:00.002Z

Some aeons ago a male friend of mine helped (made) me join an online dating site for shits and giggles. After whiling away the time doing quizzes such as The Slut Test (64%) The Whore Test (80% Whore) and Disturbing Movies (100%), I promptly forgot about the whole thing and ignored it from that day forth.

Last night when speaking to that same friend, I went to poke at it and lo I discovered various lovely emails addressed to my good self. I would particularly like to share one here:

here i go first chat and i am in your bad books befor i start however i do need to ask you this i see you talk about going out on fridays drinking a lot having lots of girly fun with your friends it must be hard for you seeing there is no good guy in your life this is where i get in to your bad books who look after you kid when out every friday night , is it no guy keeps with you as you have a kid , and are you running away at night on a friday hopping you find a nice guy who like you for who you are in life with a kid , i feel it must be so hard for you in life at this time having no one to go home too but just your kid . can i say this to you why not remove the bit about going out each friday seeing you got a kid i say this as my sister who is 35 yers old dose this and it is not good for the kids she has 2 girls 7 the other 11 . if you wish to find a good nice guy on here just say when you can you like to go out on a friday and have fun seeing you have a kid or 2 this way it show you have things right by saying what you have it gives the wrong out look of you i am only happing you here ok

Charming no? Having spent much time guffawing over this, my friend decided to send a little message to my would be suitor. While I don't have the exact message I know it went something along the lines of 'wanting to explore my curiousity with an older gentleman'. Hey, I never said we were mature.

Anyhoo fast foward to this morning, and I had a little missive lurking in my dating site inbox, Mr Overly Concerned About Children had obviously noticed I'd visited his profile (stupid me) and wanted to connect... Again.

hi kitty sometime ago i sent email to you . i understand there would be lots of guys you send emails to your self i hope you with good resons that is . we all act in away bad some times we talk but do not mean it we all can act with words not nice that is with others around us i do my self . we cant like all . and even the ones we like and love can get hurt by us in words , however when we do like some one we like we can hurt them but this should not stop us likeing them or being in love with who they are . so you up set people in life we all do that . to others around us do we not . any way i see you had a look at my page i have to say i had to change it why it is this i had a guy as to get to know me . i cant beleave this guy was looking at my page when i am only in to women girls that is . i feel so ill over it . that a guy feels i am in to men even when it says on my page i like women only . that is it on this so how about a chat on here who knows we may just find friends at first and if we do get on my be more i do hope we can talk to each other more al the best ken hope yopu hve a noce day with the kids

Aside from the obvious fact that I had been very clearly rumbled, if you didn't think I was particularly evil after my last post you'll certainly have thought twice now eh?

Toodles

Gullibles Travels

2009-07-01T19:37:00.007Z

Just to set the scene... Tie had just returned bulging with joy at having bought many many many skins at Curio.

[12:29] Kitty Lalonde waves at you
[12:29] Kitty Lalonde: Are you skint again now?
[12:29] Tiernan Serpentine: Mmhmm
[12:29] Kitty Lalonde sighs
[12:29] Tiernan Serpentine: Hehe
[12:29] Kitty Lalonde: Whatever am I to do with you
[12:30] Tiernan Serpentine: You could buy me many presents
[12:30] Kitty Lalonde: I could
[12:30] Tiernan Serpentine thinks
[12:30] Kitty Lalonde: But I have to go to cake
[12:30] Tiernan Serpentine: FINE
[12:30] Kitty Lalonde: They just released new skins
[12:30] Tiernan Serpentine: WHAT?!
[12:30] Kitty Lalonde: Right at the top of the feed
[12:30] Tiernan Serpentine breaks down in tears
[12:30] Kitty Lalonde: They look ossm too
[12:30] Tiernan Serpentine: Oh christ
[12:30] Kitty Lalonde bites her lip
[12:30] Tiernan Serpentine: on extendable crutches
[12:31] Tiernan Serpentine: Can you teepee me when you get there please?
[12:31] Kitty Lalonde: No, I don't think that's very fair on you
[12:31] Kitty Lalonde: Cos they're also on sale
[12:31] Tiernan Serpentine curses the day some numpty decided that system skins just weren't good enough
[12:31] Tiernan Serpentine: WHAT!
[12:31] Kitty Lalonde: Half price for ONE DAY ONLY
[12:31] Kitty Lalonde: And buy one get one free
[12:31] Tiernan Serpentine shouts: WHAT?!!?!!!11!!!!
[12:31] Kitty Lalonde: On fatpacks
[12:31] Tiernan Serpentine: TAKE ME THERE
[12:31] Kitty Lalonde: NO!
[12:32] Kitty Lalonde: IT'S FOR THE BEST!
[12:32] Tiernan Serpentine: RIGHT THIS INSTANT
[12:32] Kitty Lalonde: Go yourself
[12:32] Kitty Lalonde: BUMDER
[12:32] Tiernan Serpentine goes
[12:32] Kitty Lalonde: You know I'm lying right?

Tie tp's away (to Cake)

[12:32] IM: Tiernan Serpentine: SLAG

Edited to add

[12:50] Willow Caldera: I don't see the cake skins *cries*
[12:53] Kitty Lalonde: ...
[12:54] Willow Caldera: I don't!
[12:54] Kitty Lalonde: I seriously thought Tie was merely playing along
[12:54] Willow Caldera: oh arse
[12:54] Kitty Lalonde: I don't believe you
[12:54] Willow Caldera: I just got to the bottom of the post
[12:54] Kitty Lalonde: ...
[12:55] Willow Caldera: I read right to the last two lines
[12:55] Willow Caldera: and tpd over there to rez while i finished

The All American Challenge

2009-05-29T10:52:00.004Z

Taking the boundaries of pervesion out of the metaverse is something I enjoy. A previous blog post of What's in my bag? will show you a small part of my sizable collection. Anyhoo, today I got something new and exciting that I've wanted for a VERY long time (Love you Tie!) and I thought I'd share my new addition with you!

Called The Great American Challenge this thing is obscenely big.. I mean huge. I really hope the posty didn't peer inside the box...

Just for verification, that's a two litre bottle of lemonade next to it. I was going to put it next to the cat as a comparison but it ran off (the cat, not the dildo, although if the dildo does try to run off I'm not going to be the one that gets in it's way).

And now I'm going to sit and stare at it in a nervous eye twitching manner.

kkthnxbai

On the Subject of Roles

2009-03-25T09:53:00.006Z

Rhishanna Regina did a blog post recently on the subject of roleplay, and this reminded me of a blog post which I had been sat on (in my mind) for a some time. In the comments of the post is a comment by Saffia Widdershins asking at what point does roleplay become roleplay?

While it may be surprising to some, in RL I do not swank around in various scanty outfits drops hundreds of pounds on a pair of shoes that I will probably only wear once. Nor am I a noted member of the community (I'm claiming my wikia entry as my notability in SL, so nyer). I also don't occasionally drop and suck for complete strangers (although tempting). Therefore in SL I am playing a role, essentially me, but a more improved me with less constraints.

But by the same token I'm not making out to be something I'm not, I don't know diddly squat about RL fashion. I can't tell you this seasons colours, and I wouldn't be able to spot a trend if it slapped me in the face. I just like my jeans, DC's and occasional titty top. This is (I hope) reflected in my 'fashion' blog posts. I don't tell you what something could be paired with, or attempt to name the 'cut' of a skirt, because I don't know these things. I just tell you that 'ZOMG awesomeness' and have done with. However there are a lot of people out that do these things, and cynical lil me calls shenanigans on their credentials.

One example that springs to mind is the whole 'what's in my bag' thing. I generally don't carry huge inflatable dildos in my bag, so are people in SL really swanning around with retardedly expensive make up and Louis Vuitton purses in RL? Are they actually like me, with a couple of expensive things that the never use but worship quietly? Or are they the scary girls who had long gleaming hair and a pony back in school?

I think it all boils down to me missing the olden days of SL, you didn't get supermodels who design skins in their spare time. Everyone could pretty much be expected to be a RL social outcast in one way or another. People with problems finding solace in a place where they could be who they wanted to be and learn new things and achieve some sort of greatness for it.

Broadly Offensives Guide to Fun Sex Toys in yadda yadda random number.

2009-03-23T16:17:00.003Z

Picture blog! Nice and easy cos I r lazy. And it's SEX TOYS, just for Shockwave who has IM'd me incessantly asking for them *grins*

At least thats what happens in communal mens showers in my perverted mind!

Scores on the 'wait, are you sure that's just soap residue' floor

Hilarity 7/10
Peverseness 3/10
Makes you horny 8/10
Liability to get you
banned from places 0/10 Unless they allow rez

You can get happy fun time soap (just my lil nickname) from Necronom

Meme addiction..

2009-03-13T17:13:00.006Z

I love these things far too much, from Tymmerie Thorne.

1. Who was your first prom date?
Bah, I live in the uk and we didn't get a prom. Or dates. Or guns... Sucks to be us huh?

2. Do you still talk to your first love?
Nope.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink?
Well, there are photos of me glugging sherry at the age of 1ish so I'd say then!

4. What was your first job?
It was a newspaper round, and it sucked so much arse, I had to deliver them all at 6am and they were great big heavy things AND I only got £8 a week.. Bastages.

5. What was your first car?
Technically it was an old unworking BMW with no keys that I was given. First car I bought was a mahousive transit van (a Talbot Express Hightop) which I intended to do up and take around the world. However it rusted to death before I even got around to fixing the alternator.

6. Who was the first person to text you today?
Ummm no one, although my bessie mate from London Town texted me last night.

7. Who is the first person you thought of this morning?
Myself, going back to sleep. Didn't happen though

8. Who was your first grade teacher?
Oh god. I dunno, I have vague memories of teachers, but I moved schools a lot.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
I haven't!

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk?
My first best friend was a girl called Zoe, and I never spoke to her again (moved across the country) although my mum still speaks to her mum I think.

11. Where was your first sleep over?
At a friends house. We climbed out the window to smoke on her roof.

12. Who was the first person you talked/will talk to today?
That would be Tie, who was possibly attempting to cajole me into getting up.

13. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
I think I went to my mums and step dads, but I don't remember, I'll go with my Aunties then, where I was bridesmaid and all I remember is the egg mayonaisse and prefiteroles (pretty much in keeping with all my weddings then).

14. What was the first thing you did this morning/first thing you will do when you log in?
Sift through the mountain of crap from subscribe o matics and groups

15. What was the first concert you ever went to?
I went to see Jamiroquai with my foster sister in Plymouth, and it was fricking awesome!

16. What was your first record/tape?
Oh god... Michael Jacksons Bad... Now fuck off.

17. First hospitalization?
I never got admitted to a hospital til I was 19, but I went in for a broken nose one night when I was 12ish

18. First foreign country you've been to?
France

19. First movie you remember seeing?
Ummmmmm........ I'll go with Labyrinth. I still love that film.

20. When was your first detention?
I was 14/15. It was for not coming to school or some such bollocks.

21. Where did you first meet your spouse/partner now?
In Second Life

22. Who was your first roommate?
Never had one, I don't play well with others.

23. What did you do with your first paycheck?
Spent it on crap knowing me.

Feel free to tag yourselves, or get one of them little price sticker thingies and stick many prices on your face, that's fun too.

Broadly Offensives Guide to Fun Sex Toys in SL - Pt 4

2009-02-03T19:55:00.005Z

Hello again! Umm yes, so I haven't been having quite as much sex in SL as I'd like recently so I thought I could at least blog about something sexy, and today it's going to be chairs!

Two very specific chairs though, the first if by Misao Nakamura, who was the maker of the swing in the last one. Older than the swing is the Executive chair. It's got more sexxoring stuffs than you can shake a stick at. Including fisting (ftw) anal, boring, blah and oral.

It also has a very nice slouching anim which makes me no end of happy and is useful if you're not actually aiming to get any with the chair.

The pictures have sweet FA to do with the chair really, but meh, I like them.

The other chair is slightly more feisty and from Mad Sciences. Good for roleplay and/or beating the crap out of those you love and you should really go and test them both

Hilarity 2/10 (although one can't miss out on the repeated slapping of your SO)
Perverseness 6/10 (Not major perversion unless you are a prude)
Makes you horny 9/10
Liability to get you banned from somewhere 0/10 (Unless you slap down sex chairs wherever you roam)

Anyhoo, sorry for the briefness, I suck I know. I think I shall go and crawl into be with a nice hot vibrator and some hentai.

Bai!

I haz sea kitten

2009-02-01T09:56:00.001Z

Create Your Own Sea Kitten at peta.org!

Kitty's cooking corner: Lasagne

2009-01-25T16:40:00.004Z

So yes, I did promise fish pie after the noodle sandwich thing (which people are still not brave enough to try, shame on you). But I made lasagne instead, not everyday for the last 6 months either, however much Tie would like me to, but recentlyish enough to have a camera to hand. So yes.. On with teh cooking.

These are all the things you will require, obviously you don't need to get them from Morrisons, I do because I live in a morrisons but that's beside the point. I also missed out butter from the picture but nevermind.

You need:

Mince
Bacon
Olive Oil
Cheese
Mushrooms
Lasagne sheets
Garlic
A tin of chopped tomatoes
Onion
Milk
Butter
Tomato Puree (also not pictured)
Oregano
Basil

You can also add sweetcorn if you like it (I do but SOMEONE prefers it without...)

Chop everything up that needs chopping and fling the mince, garlic and onion into some sort of large pan thing (much like my Tefal wok type thing which is my reason for cooking). When the mince is brown throw in the bacon and mushroom (and sweetcorn if you have it). This will then cook quite cheerfully while you plurk, masturbate etc.

Once all this is cooked squirt tomato tomato puree all over it, don't forget to squirt some across the wall and cooker too so you look 'professional'. Then sprinkle basil and oregano and mix that mo'fo up. Bung in the tinned tomatoes and a pinch/sprinkle/some small amount of sugar in too. I dunno why, someone once told me it's something to do with counteracting the taste of the tomato although that would kind of remove the point of said tomato, but I'm too nervous of cooking things to disagree.

You can now leave the whole lot to simmer/burn for a bit while you make the cheese sauce.

Mix together some amount of flour and butter in a pan til it looks like this

Then you add some milk so it looks like this.

Yummy huh? Keep stirring it all the time so it ends up smooth, or get someone else to do it! The fun of cooking is making other people do half/most of the work anyway.

If you're alone or lazy get one of them blendery things and mangle the sauce til there are no lumpy bits.

Then you can add cheese. Or not, you don't have to add cheese, it's prolly healthier without but I love cheese so nyer.

Once all this is done you can make it up in a casserole dish, bolognaise sauce first then the white/cheese sauce, then a layer of lasagne sheets. Rinse repeat until you run out of bolognaise then on the final layer of lasagne sheets you just slop some white sauce over it and grate some cheese (more cheese YAY!)
Put all this in the oven and ignore it for about 30 - 40 minutes or until some bugger pesters you for food.

DONE!

Fish pie next time (maybe)

Ctrl + Shift + H challenge

2009-01-11T18:39:00.003Z

Sooo another meme esque challenge, hit ctrl shift H and take snaps where you land. Luckily I changed my home position from Bukkake Bliss so here we go.

Having recently downgraded *sob* from the sim, we're now lurking on the mainland *further sobs*. Cleverly with Tie's lifetime account the tier is free, but it's still a bit cack. So yes, above is the whole thing. It all looks scruffy and deranged, much like my RL abode.

As you can see we still have all the filth stuff out because I'm sentimental and you never know what will happen in the future.

Random buildering crap, ideas and half finished projects, yay for organisation.

The house! We decided to go for a dolls house look, I dunno why but it's very cool in my opinion. The bottom floor is SLopoly and Greedy Greedy hidden behind the curtain.
Above it is my photo studio which is a big old white room that you don't really need to see. Out the front is a motorbike which Tie used for a 'text adventure' game surprise she made me when she bought me the opium av from Abyss (I know, she's far too good for me).

Living space. We don't actually 'live' in it. In fact I believe it's been used twice since it was built but it does look very very funky.

And a rooftop disco. This is a perfect example of why I don't build, as the levels of suckage far outweigh any aesthetic or usefull qualities of the build itself.

And there you is.

Pretending to know stuff

2009-01-09T19:23:00.003Z

First off a disclaimer - I know sweet FA about photoshop other than what I've picked up along the way from other people/worked out for myself by poking it. I just felt like sharing some random crap/blogging something.

Right, that done I shall begin. I'm using CS3 I have no idea whether it's the same with CS2 and lower... But nevermind. Basically I'm showing you some delightful filters from Flaming Pear which are lovely and you should all go and try/buy them immediately. Clever thing about filters is they do work on a poking basis and can look all funky and arty without too much effort.

First off my basic picture from Second Life.

I take 99% of my pictures on a white background. Unless I'm trying to get funky with the shadows I use Ana Lu's windlight settings Studio whiter I think it's called makes everything look lovely although can wash some skins out, so poking as ever is order of the day. Once you have the picture in PS use the magic wand (weeeee!) to select all the white background (depending on what you're wearing as to how high your tolerance is) then select the inverse, copy, paste.

You should now have a lovely picture of your arse on an alpha. Create a new layer inbetween alpha'd you and the background and fill it in white. Thus saving your background for any cock ups. Back to the alpha you again now, and we're going to use the flaming pear filter Aetherize.
Aetherize is scarily cool, you'll see the big ring around Glue:Posterior. Well that's because you need it. Other settings can look weird/frightening.

Aetherize is fairly easy to use, apart from Hues, which requires only gentle teasing as it will excitably turn you into a surrealist nightmare. Dreaminess affects the amount of darkness in the picture. Lark about with it as you can get some truely dramatic effects out of it.

Now for a background, you can do whatever you want but I've gone for a nice sky with a gradient and some cloud brushes from DeviantArt. If you've been lazy and not cut every single bit of fucking white out of your hair, then you can cheat by putting white clouds behind your hair. *grins*. For this picture you only need to worry about the top half cos we're going to funk up the bottom with another filter.

Flood, is quite possibly my favourite Flaming Pear filter. It makes gorgeous reflections that you can poke at for hours and hours going "Ooo that's good.. No that's good... Oh wait...". You get the drift. Really though flood is especially awesome and if you only get one filter, get this one.

Done!

Bah!

2009-01-05T16:23:00.003Z

I was sitting around quite happily and obsessively refreshing new plurks when one from Iris Seale caught my eye. She was asking for thoughts and opinions on The Deeb House, a prefab house made by, amongst others, Asri Falcone. Normally I'd have looked at the pictures and gone "Nice house" and left it at that. But this house is sold for the bargain price of L$18,995.

Now while I freely admit to never buying a house in SL (pet builder ftw) I wanted to see how the rich side live so I duely tp'd off to check it out. I tentatively entered (dude, 19k is a lotta lindens and I didn't want to be paying for damages!) and yeah, from the get go it looks ok. Nothing initially screams to me that it's worth it's 19k nice cos I'm cheap, but nice nonetheless. It's laid out like an episode of cribs and has a realistic feel to it, everythings all in proportion and show homey.

Right, compliments done, lets bring out the bitch. I prewarn you that while all these issues are niggly things, teeny tiny little things that most people will (and prolly do) overlook, I'm a picky fucker and if you want me to spend in the area of £50 quid on a virtual house, it should really be £50's worth of house. It should be the pride and joy of the creator and not look like someones gone "Oh fuck it" towards the end and buggered off to play SLopoly.

I'm not going to go to list every single nitpick here because I haven't bought it, I'm not that stupid, and don't really have much right to, but gappy prims, misaligned textures and a freebie door script which tells you you're at the door (I fucking know, I opened it didn't I?) and plays the same sound for every single door in the place. Well that sort of thing could drive a girl crazy especially when 19k equals a whole lot of sex toys.

In short, in my honest and slightly mouthy opinion anyone who has bought this house is pandering to an inflated ego and needs to back the fuck away from buying stuff. Anyone thinking about buying the deeb house should go to Barnesworth Anubis' and buy something made by someone who actually looks like they give a shit about their work and customers, not just after making the quick buck.

Now I'm well aware this all prolly looks like I have an axe to grind with Asri and I'm all bitter and bitchy, well I kinda am. Le Cadre was a massive thing when I first started SL, and her shop was as busy as Armidi is these days, but my opinion is she sold out. Keeping prices sky high for stuff that now looks old and dated, reselling your business and charging the moon for something you didn't care enough to make sure was perfect? It's all about the money.

Broadly Offensive does ageplay.

2009-01-05T00:32:00.006Z

Kitty Lalonde: Wot the bleddy hell are you doin'? Sittin around in a bleddy glass
Tiernan Serpentine looks up from her magazine in annoyance, "Awa' wid yer mam by'eck! Father will be'ome soon and yer pies aren't even in t'oven!"
Kitty Lalonde: Oof! You're a one aren't ya? Talkin to yer own mam like that! You want to get out and get a job instead of sitting around in your smalls all day.. No wonder your as pasty as a milk jug
Kitty Lalonde: And wots all that on yer face.. Done up like a clown, I dunno
Tiernan Serpentine: But mam you always told me to look pretty for them lads, they won't come knockin if I don't look pretty!
Kitty Lalonde: They won't come bleddy knockin if your looking all dreary like one of them bleddy bands you like. Links in the park or whatever they're bleddy called. Why don't you wear some nice pretty dresses like Angie's daughter. She's got loads of fellas lined up. But it's like Angie said to me, she's holdin owt fer a ring. Not like a certain Miss Yo yo knickers.. They'll be buryin you in a bleddy Y shaped coffin, that's fer sure
Tiernan Serpentine huffs and stares at her feet sullenly, "But mam! You said that if I want a nice fella I should make meself up all nice and proper and ladylike, an' I'm just doin wot you said!"
Kitty Lalonde: I said you should put some dresses on, not that, I wouldn't even use that... thing.. as a bleddy support stocking for me varicose veins. No. You want to get a nice dress, pretty yellow one to go with your eyes. My Stan used to say i 'ad the loveliest legs in all of Derby 'e did.
Kitty Lalonde looks you up and down "Course in mah day we didn't show quite as much as you did"
Tiernan Serpentine: Oh mam, it's what we is all wearin' these days. You can't go out for a big night on'town in them silly frocks and petticoats with curlers in your hair!
Kitty Lalonde: Ooo hark at you. Big night on'town. And who's payin' fer all that? Me! That's who! Bleddy muggins 'ere payin fer you to go out dressed up like a tart at night, and sit around in a glass all day. Yer leadin' a charmed life aren't yer?
Tiernan Serpentine flounces and ficks her hair, "I did that job for them boys from the pastry shop, mam, I made me own money. Nowt wrong wi'spendin' me own money on the things what I like, and you shouldn't go runnin' yer mouth at me like that mam 'cause I does lots around t'ouse t'help. I made me bed an'all today!"
Kitty Lalonde: Runnin' yer mouth? RUNNIN' YER MOUTH? Don't come back to me with all yer bleddy poncey southernisms. Talkin' like one o' them bleddy londoners ye see on'telly. Geroff wi yer, goin' ay a wesh an tidy yer room

Meme love... LAST!

2009-01-01T13:16:00.008Z

Internet memes are spontaneous expressions of some current craze or idea, so here's my version of Kitty's meme... like two weeks too late (I was busy masturbating!).

Five outfits I used to wear. I'd like to point out before the picture that these outfits are from 'back in the day' when there wasn't very much clothing choice really, especially not in the prim shoe department. And you wore whatever you could lay your eager hands on.

From left to right I r wearing Kitty and Capris by Jolie Lumiere, denim whore pants from Lost along with celine hot pink booty boots from Le Cadre (both of which I used to live in for quite a few months. The third outfit consists of Sythia Veil's pink skull outfit along with the lovely cum fuk me boots also from Le Cadre... were there actually any other prim shoe shops in 2004? And finally Barerose's egoist outfit. Most of these clothes are no doubt no longer available which on balance is for the best.

Onto stuffs I currently wear which mostly comprises things from the slutty casual wardrobe. My lovely nipple revealing (not shown) anjuna shirt from Zaara with a Hollee's bra, and League woodstock jeans with Pornstar Xtra high-tops which are both pretty much glued on a lot of the time. Oh! And the very funky little skirt from Blow-up which I own in many, many variations.

And finally stuff I have NEVER worn, honest. Ummm the first one was some sort of moment of madness in Weird Shit with a thought process along the lines of, 'what an amusing outfit, that'll come in handy'. On the other hand the Aoharu orange wave dress and rubber booties from Schmooz with little pictures of Che Guevara on I do genuinely love, but they're just too blindingly bright and colourful to actually wear. Number three... yes well, it will be the perfect outfit for a period tea party event one day. And finally a random trouser outfit from my vast Last Call folder. It's beautifully made and textured like everything from Last Call and also never worn like pretty much everything in that folder.

What's in my bag? (You'll wish you never asked)

2008-12-30T14:59:00.009Z

Ummm yes.. First off I'd like to mention the things I DIDN'T include, which is a good kilo of receipts bus tickets and other random shit. I was going to, but then I realised that if I did do that then I would have to throw them away and clean the bag etc, which I really couldn't be arsed to do. Also my keys cos they live in the door unless I'm out.

Soooooo on with the contents!

1 - Is my bag, it's a huge Billabong vinyl satchel thing that you can move house in which my friend gave me. It's wipe clean too which is handy.

2 - Random ropes and chains

3 - My old trustworthy whip, it's completely frayed but the leather still creaks and it smells nice so who cares.

4 - Usual boring handcuffs

5 - Pink anal beads

6 - Jackie O esque sunnies, useful all year round for face hiding and outward appearance of aloofness.

7 - My lil iPod nano, old and full of shit.. Much like me these days

8 - My Rabbit, Tie bought me this for my birthday and it's the best friend a girl can have.

9 - Big rubbery and scares the bejeezus out of people, inflatable dildos ftw

10 - Clothes pegs

11 - Vouchers for Subway! VITAL to carry with one at all times

12 - An ancient £5 gift voucher of Tie's for Our Price, I dunno if the shops still exist though

13 - My Animal wallet, I love this, although I once left it on the roof of the car and it got lost, but then returned to me a week later by the police, slightly knackered but still containing £11.80.

14 - Mobile, picked because it has DISCO LIGHTS!!! (Not shown)

15 - Two pound coin and a Morrisons shopping trolley pound

16 - Smoking paraphenalia. I smoke rollies but use roaches in them, meaning I leave a small trail of torn up rizla packet wherever I go.

And thus endeth the tour.

Where have all the memes gone?

2008-12-17T22:29:00.004Z

Well who knows, but I decided to get over it by making my own, which no one will do and I will have some sort of paranoid breakdown but hey ho.

It's quite simple, relating to SL clothing, five things you always wear, 5 things you used to wear and five things you never wear. These have to be things you've purchased, no gifts or freebies, and you can just write about them or make purty pictures.

Got it? Excellent, so here's mine

I'm uber lazy so I mashed all the pictures together, the first get up you have to ignore the skirt, but it's basically the sweetest goodbye top with an unfathomable name. The Sinistyle boots and WRONG Fishnets. Next the gearshift jeans that I live in with the Juicy shoes.

For stuff I used to wear is the Suave shirt from Wintermoon which sadly got upgraded for the Armidi one although Suave shows more tit, which is good for showing more tit. Shiny thing boots which everyone with half a braincell own and a mini skirt from a last call set. Then is my beloved Versu pants from Nomine back from the dark ages of 2004 which do freaky things to your feet now.
Finally the Dark Eden boots, Etain herself (Namedrop WOOO!) told me that she always thought they looked unrealistic in the stuff and things but I didn't care. These boots got me more IM's of the 'Where did you get them' variety than I care to remember.

Now the best bit. The things I NEVER wear. I dunno where that jumpers from, I also don't know why I bought it. It's not horrible but It's never got further than "Nah....." in the wearing stakes. Then the dress. I bought that because the owner was there and talking to me. And she was nice, and I didn't want to tell her that I thought her shop was overpriced so I bought it. Go me. The boots are the first sculpties or boots EVER in SL. Which is why I keep them in a special box locked away from all and sundry *cough*.

Next is an outfit from Savvy? Now I loved this, and I still do, I just never find the right moment to wear it. Suggestions welcome in comments. And finally Armidi, stupidly expensive, very pink. Why? Who knows?

Anyhoo, more from me soon I promise.

Bitchtastic

2008-11-26T21:15:00.004Z

I have just returned from the shittest school concert known to man. Now a lot of you nice people out there will be aghast at me claiming the sweet and innocent voices of youth is shit. But hear me out. I have no problem with the children, the songs they sang were wonderful and I could listen to them for ages... When they got to sing that is. Cos oh no, they're head master in his infinite wisdom used the school christmas concert as a show case for him and his wife to bestow the poor parents with their karaoke stylee renderings of the crappest songs of yesteryear.

Seriously, this man would have been most likely welcomed at your average old fuckers working mens club, or perhaps a sagaish holiday camp where the patrons shorten each others lives pretending to be Frank Sinatra singing from inside a tuba. But no, this was a SCHOOL CONCERT. And his warbling wife... Puhlease... Love, you may have missed a glittering career in operatic singing due to the fact that you generally sucked at it, but that's no reason to take it out on the rest of us.

As I sat there wondering whether I could will my liver to implode thus allowing me to escape the cruelest of tortures I had a fleeting glimpse into the lives of these people, how their poor relatives most be tortured at family celebrations. Although they're prolly all fucked up and join in.

So in summary, school concerts are for school children and NOT for teachers who want to sing Neil fucking Sedaka.

Kthnxbai

Broadly Offensive's Guide to Fun Sex Toys in SL - Pt 3

2008-10-02T11:06:00.004Z

*sneaks in all slick and dripping bodily fluids while Kitty's not looking*
Since she's planning to blog something very cool sometime in the near future, I thought I'd take the opportunity to cover a few kinky basics from a random dungeon I found. Which is definitely not situated in our sim or full of all the things we like most.

Human statues and furniture aren't specifically sex toys or even that kinky by SL standards, but they're also not the sort of things you'd find gracing the Linden village. They're much more suited to a run-down ornamental garden or an impoverished cafe that don't have the cash available for regular furniture.

As you can see these things are all very utilitarian and practical, besides the danger of soil, ash, rose thorns and hot wax in various orifices.

The plant pot and ashtray holders are from the Forniphilia collection at Dark Delights, which also sells a collection of farmyard animals, traffic cones and machines far too complicated to explain. And the candelabra and coffee table are brought to you by VR Fetish which also has a posture collar with chain attached buttplug (which we're rather fond of).

Hilarity 4/10
Perverseness 6/10
Makes you horny 7/10
Liability to get you banned from somewhere 5/10 (if they notice you)

Dinosaur goodness

2008-09-24T15:03:00.001Z

Stolen from Trinity's Blog

1 minute, 9 seconds

Broadly Offensives Guide to Fun Sex Toys in SL - Pt 2

2008-09-10T09:38:00.002Z

Back once again with the renegade master.... Ahem. Anyhoo, back again with more exciting sex toys from the putrid sex den that is Second Life. Here we have summit from a lil shop that possibly not many have heard of. Netsui Kigyo. Mostly concentrating on bdsm stuffages, although she does the most awesome sex office chair in SL, this is the swing.

Simple premise of hanging from something in a pitiful state while passing stranger point and poke, BUT. She made it physical, so you can actually swing, or be swung by any nearby person. Providing great action shots such as these.

Apologies for this being a bit of a lame post, and not partcularly offensive, it was going to be bigger, but SL ate my pictures before sending them to my hardrive and I cannae be arsed to wrestle with it anymore today.

Hilarity 6/10
Peverseness 3/10
Makes you horny 7/10
Liability to get you banned from somewhere N/A

Broadly Offensives Guide to Fun Sex Toys in SL - Pt 1

2008-08-19T13:31:00.004Z

Having laid myself bare I can now happily continue on with my mission to filthy peoples minds and make them scared of me, and what better way to achieve this than with my lovely new toy as bought for me by Tie (who knows me far too well to be bothering with crap like jewelry) which is so frighteningly cool I have to blog it, and so have created a cartoon, for little reason other than I thought it would be fun!

Yes.. Well. Anyhoo, it's a happy lil tentacle raping monster that jabbers away to you (With a disturbingly cute voice) and tries to cajole you into opening the backpack ("Hey! I found a shiny diamond ring in here!") so it can spring out and rape you.

It's an amusing fucker as you can set it to have moods, which seems to lead to it getting pissed off ("Why the HELL did you even BUY me if you aren't going to DO anything with me?"), and horniness levels, the higher that is the more likely it is to scream "On your knees, bitch! I'm going to pound you like the whore you are!" and rape you in the middle of Tuli's. You can also lock it in the backpack, but why?

It's available from Sensual Stoneworks the shop that bought you raping flowers, raping caterpillars, raping robots and umm a raping hermaphrodite half woman half zebra.

Scores on the slick and steamy floor

Hilarity 10/10
Perverseness 7/10
Makes you horny 3/10
Liability to get you
banned from somewhere 10/10

I can keep secrets (but not my own)

2008-08-18T17:23:00.004Z

Secrets and lies is and awesome film, and also what has been flying around second life and the intrawebz for years and years. The above book by Sophie Kinsella is also very awesome. The long a short of it is that in a moment of terror aboard a plane a woman spills all her secrets to the man in the next seat, blah blah blah, happiness, love, the end. What is interesting is the secrets, her babbling diatribe is simply awesome, accompanied with head nodding and smiling from the reader.

After my last post several people said in comments and IM's that they feel the same, it shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I guess you get bogged down in your own reservations and paranoias. So now I lay the rest f my secrets bare. Why? Why the fuck not, maybe someone shares similar things and it's an extra bond in a friendship. Maybe someone will take courage from it to spill with a secret that needs to be told. Maybe someone will take it and use it against me. At the end of the day I'm not really bothered. Take this as a meme, take it as thought fodder. Shit, you can take it up a seedy back alley in the dead of night hehe. Here goes...

Silly Secrets

I once woke up after a very very drunken night out desperate for a wee, so I pegged it to the toilet but didn't quite make it.

I once stole a block of cheese from a supermarket I later worked for and I still feel guilty about it.

I hate smileys, and the little heart shapes people make, and also mwahs and muahs. I understand that it's cute but I can never ever bring myself to respond in a similar fashion.

In SL I'll change my clothes every 2 hours, but in RL I'm happy wearing the same pair of jeans for a week.

I love sex, I don't know many people who hate it. But I have almost nymphamaniac qualities about sex. Some days it's an obsession that clouds my mind to anything else.

Somedays I just want to be left alone but I'm too polite to say anything.

I once shot a crow and killed it for no other reason than I had a big powerful air rifle and was bored.

Big Secrets

At my last estimate I was around about £18k in debt. And I don't care anymore.

I cheated on someone once in my life and still feel incredbly bad about it.

I think I play on my computer far too much, but I can't seem to stop myself.

I also have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I used to write frequent a short story website, of the four stories I wrote two of them were based on my RL experiences and I was surprised how hurt I was when people critiqued my stories like they were fiction.

I'd love to come to a RL meet up but truth of the matter is I'm terrified to meet people outside of the nicely rounded pixels of Kitty Lalonde, and this will probably mean I will never go.

I was fostered at the age of 15 and my foster 'father' was a pedophile. He was sent to prison 10 years later for sexually assaulting 4 of his own children. Although I made statements and was set to testify in court, my case was never heard and I'm still bitter about it.

My ex husband died nearly three months ago and I still miss him terrible. Even though we were long seperated when he passed away he was one of the best things that happened to me in my life and his death is the reason why some days I can't even watch the X factor without crying. The night before he died I couldn't sleep, I was up til 6am fighting back the urge to go and drive out and just sit with him in the hospital. The fact I didn't will haunt me for the rest of my life. The land I let him live on in SL will forever be left as he left it and it hurts too much for me to go there.

I'm crying as I write this.

Admittedly that's not all my secrets, the mind goes blank when you actually try to type it. It is a large majority however. So there you go.

Invisible

2008-08-16T17:02:00.003Z

There has been a great deal of hoohah about the SL Secrets thing, I dunno if it's a good idea or a bad one, but that's unimportant. The above picture would have been mine if I could have been arsed to send it in. The words I would have added to it are undecided, however the sentiment remains. Have you ever been at a party and felt like you were watching it rather than participating. Well, I feel like that a lot, and not just at parties either.

Interactions with a group of people have always left me feeling distress on some level. Was I boring, was I trying to hard, did my sarcasm translate meanly to one or more people? Am I not funny, am I too funny? Did I try to take over like some sort of attention seeking monster. Constantly trying to police yourself isn't an easy task, especially when you have a lack of thought editor between your brain and your mouth like I do. Then it all mounts up to this terrible feeling of fifth wheeledness.

I've had this feeling for far too long now and it's slowly doing my head in. I believe I'm forever destined to be the random person. The perpetual gatecrasher of circles of good friends, so I shall be sticking to one to ones from this point. Why try to keep up with the next door neighbours when you have eden sitting in outside your back door. I feel like I've neglected Tie at times recently, and now I'm making amends, she's so amazingly wonderful and I can't think of a better person to take on the world with.

I gots gestures

2008-08-15T14:39:00.003Z

Okies, so after my ranty post about gestures apparently people paid attention, so here for your delectation is my datey date WOO!

All dates should start with ice cream, I believe it was mentioned the 1874 treaty on dating rights. Notice I shaved my armpits cos I r classy.

After delicious iced goodness we too off on a canoeing expedition, these canoes are actually exceptionally good fun until you have to stop and end up crashing into several previously peaceful fisherman. Oh and seagulls, ducks, walls, sim edges, rocks, trees and your date.

And then fishing, note the competitive postures? The rods were entirely in japanese and neither of us could make head nor tail of them (Even Druss who is fluent in Cantonese *snort*) however I seemed to be better at catching the retarded fish than he was so I lent him a 'lucky charm'....

Credits for the cat have to go to Loaf who founded it and gave it me as a prize! While it may look disturbing in the picture, when rezzed it is doubly so, it's supercilious glaring face following you wherever you may look.. Needless to say it frightened the fish as much as it frightened Druss.

Okay, this is where it gets awesome, the above picture is of the room that was made by a certain sexy someone especially for one dinner. I'm still grinning by how insanely romantic the whole thing was.

Mmm steak.

So yes, I've had a date and I am going to be SMUG about the whole thing for AGES... Nyer!

Hehe

2008-08-11T00:05:00.005Z

After laughing ourselves silly for several minutes, Tie and I cannot think of any other way to make this more amusing... So enjoy!

SURPRISE!!!!!!!

2008-08-10T19:53:00.003Z

Gestures, no not the random shitty howls you get in SL, I mean gestures towards other folk, tokens of appreciation that range from a hug to buying 10 sims so you can spell out I Love You across the maps screen (If anyone does this for you. marry them).

Some people make daily gestures that show their love, compliment, smiles and touches that let you know how cherished you are. Other people will go in for some convoluted plot of pwning proportions to get the message across. I'm one of the later, here's a brief example of how I roll. I went out for a 'walk' to see my 'friend', in the meantime Tie was directed to SL and a date in a room (which I had made/paid for). Upon arriving she was sent on a wild goosechase around search and classified, eventually leading her out to the RL car. In the car was a card with instructions to go to a petrol station around 10 miles away. I was waiting at the station and we swooshed up the A30 to have a picnic.

This is possibly my proudest moment in the dating world. Yes I was stuck sat like a muppet outside a petrol station for well over an hour cos SL's search fucked up, yes from the point when we were reunited I felt like I was a massive anticlimax. But still.

It does make me ponder though. Are grand gestures really necessary? Which would you prefer, lots and little, or vast and infrequent? Is it all entirely necessary and how long can you keep either up for?

I'm stumped on this one, my personal opinion is that grand gestures indicate levels of love felt, that however is prolly mostly who I am, and my skewed vision on couples, love and the world at large. However I do know that it makes me happy to do these things and that I shall continue to do so.

We love Gok

2008-08-08T09:56:00.002Z

We love Gok's Fashion Fix on channel 4, and it always inspires Second Life dress up shenanigans. So we decided to do our own 'Fashion Face Off.

We decided on two categories, Working Girl, and Red Carpet Glamour. From left to right we have ME (Kitty hehe) taking the words 'Working Girl' a bit too far followed by Tie doing things properly. Then ish me again looking surprisingly subtle while Tie aims for full length see through glory.. The SLUT.

Anyhoo, added a poll for people to click on cos I like polls and I've never had one (You can prolly expect one of these once a week now).

Have fun!

Whos outfit is best? (You can select two answers ( surveys)

Cat Sex Part 3

2008-08-05T11:31:00.002Z

Yes it's the third exciting installment in the ongoing cat sex saga and they've multiplied into not just one sex crazed beast but one sex crazed beast and four more in training. We probably shouldn't have but they've all got names: from left to right, lardy, fluffy, speedy and mutant (no one can say we're not imaginative, though I worry for mutant as a teenager).

Fluffy's just like her mother, in the sense of them both sitting like cats.

Awwww, no they couldn't possibly turn into foul smelling, flea ridden sex fiends. Not possible!

The arse that launched a thousand ships (and might launch a few more as Tommy the butt-ugly tomcat is back and eyes are being made through the window).

Continued series of how to keep your friends...

2008-07-17T10:16:00.002Z

As requested..... Please note Willow's pitiful plan to deny the act ever took place.

Tricked into embarrassing myself... again!

2008-07-17T09:28:00.002Z

Kitty "bitch" Lalonde told me this was a serious job application so I wrote it seriously (being desperate for money and willing to do anything) *sighs*. Please hire me and not her because she stole the interviewer's rubby ducky which was a treasured childhood toy.

SL Name:
Tiernan Serpentine

RL Age:
29

RL location and time zone:
United Kingdom (GMT)

What languages do you speak (please provide proficiency level)?
English, asking for bread and coffee level French, typo, gibberish

Normal weekend/weekday SL Online Hours:
12-4 pm SL time weekdays and longer at the weekends

When are you available to start working?
Immediately

========
JOB RELATED
========

Have you ever danced before? If yes where?
Yes here and there, mostly at Ocean6 nightclub for a few months

Do you escort as well? If so, do you have regular clients?
Yes and no

Did you have any training? submission school or escort training?
I've had both submissive and escort training.

Have you ever had a leading position? or can you see yourself in such a position?
I'm not sure exactly what the question means, but I don't think so!

Why do you wanna work as a dancer/escort? fun? money? ect.
Mostly for fun though some shopping money is always appreciated.

Place a X next to any of the following services you offer as well as a number that reflects your SL or RL experience/skill (1 no experience, 2 so so, 3 good, 4 very good, 5 goddess):

Dancing X 5
Escort X 4
BDSM Dominant X 2
BDSM Submissive X 4
Fetish (e.g. showers, humiliation, etc) X 5!

=========
PERSONALITY
=========

How would you describe your personality?
Fun loving, flirtacious, generous, sometimes shy with a generally cheerful and welcoming disposition.

What are your major turn-offs?:
Anything particularly illegal involving children or dead people. Rude and unimaginative people.

What are your major turn-ons?:
Umm pretty much everything apart from those listed above! Mostly fetishes, kinky stuff, exhibitionism, strange insertions, bdsm....

======
PRACTICE
======

Consider the following situation where you are entertaining a customer. How would you respond to the following suggestions/requests? Use more than one line if needed.

"Hey sexy! Wouldn't mind having you dance on my lap *grins*"
"Oh hi! I'd love to dance in your lap but you appear to have something there already. Is there space for me?"

A customer gives you enough to make your top disappear, emote the actual stripping.
/me's dark eyes gaze down invitingly at Berty and she slides her hands up over her smooth belly, fingers splayed and caressing her glistening skin, her touch intimate and loving. She gyrates langourously to the music and pushes her chest forward to present her breasts to Berty as the silky little top slithers down to the floor, falling into his lap with a dainty little kick of her toe.

You've been given a yellow rubber duck whilst dancing on your table. What do you do with it? Show off your emoting skills.
/me takes the duck with a small smirk of amusement, it's smooth yellow body glinting in the subdued light as she raises it to her lips to taste, her tongue flicking out over the duck's head and trailing down it's hard plastic back. The toy glistens with saliva as she draws it down her chest and belly and into the darkened valley between her warm, glistening thighs, leaving a trail of wetness in its wake.

Feeling Frisky?

2008-07-17T09:27:00.003Z

As you all may or may not know, I quite enjoy the dirtier side of Second Life, I outed myself on the Mean Girls sometime ago but I never really speak on what I get up to as such. Now, however, I feel I ought in the pursuit of hilarity.

Tie had been whimpering softly in a passive aggressive fashion about not being dominated horribly, so I decided that to get over this she we should play SLopoly for a while.

However, everytime I had to pay rent to Tie I made a demand of her, such as getting her to name her fantasies, and then people on her friends list she'd have sex with... Oh and then making her IM them her fantasy (I r ebil). This went on for some time (I r shit at SLopoly) and culminated in her joining a lovely group called Slut's for Use, and then IMing said group this little missive.

[14:03] Tiernan Serpentine: I'm a female with light blue eyes, very dark brunette hair. Smaller natural breasts, ones with perky, suckable nipples that get very hard with arousal. My cunt is shaved and very tight. So tight that you'll have to push with all your strength to fist me. I love animal sex, humiliation and public nudity. Please IM me because from the moment I set eyes on you you'll make me so incredibly horny that pretty soon I'm either going to have to go to bed with you or go to the doctor for a serious heart condition.

And the moral of this story? Don't play with me cos I be mean.

PS - Sadly for Tie her plea for sex fell on deaf ears and she didn't get a single reply.

I am feeling....

2008-07-16T12:36:00.003Z

Yeah, the picture is an old one, but I don't care. My big big big problem today is Popularity.

Never a popular girl in RL, well... I'll be honest, I'm known, as in people know who I am, and will talk to me in passing, but they're not beating a path to my door in order to worship me, which is no bad thing. I like my position on the edge, occasionally I feel the need to be 'part' of things and then I run around like some sort of freak, firing off text messages handing out fags. But it's hard work and as a lifetime member of the lazy club, I can't be arsed to keep it up for long. Also you face hardcore opposition from the naturally popular people who are mostly, but not always, perfectly formed with angelic faces. These people only have to smile and the world smiles with them.

One of the things that interested me in SL was how the popularity thing would work out, in a world full of the perfectly formed pretty peeps wouldn't personality win through? I dunno, I believe that in SL the ability to hype oneself is all important in the winning of fans. The recent rash of popularity contests that there have been in SL only confirm it. Like many people I gamely entered the 12 avatars contest with the thought that I've done a pretty good job on my avatar and it may stand some sort of chance. Then I realised that all the 'winners' were pre picked and in order to get anywhere in the popularity carnage that ensued was to sell your soul and harass everybody you ever met into voting for you. I didn't and I believe finished the contest with 4 votes.

The same thing is happening with this Footwear thingy, I could urge you all to go down and vote for me, I could Plurk my soul and offer blowjobs for it, but I won't. In fact I urge you to go down and vote for Tania Tebaldi, as I think she's done a really insanely awesome photo, showing the shoes beautifully with the right air of sexiness and mystique, and should therefore win on merit of having the best photo...

Anyhoo, I realise I'm sounding like some sort of outcast harpy at the moment, and to be honest I don't much care. I'd just like to see more contests based on ability and not who has the biggest friends list.

/end rant

PS - Tie seems to think that this is a cunning manipulation, it isn't, anyone caught voting for me will have their genitalia skewered on a VERY SPLINTERY stick, which has been lying in dung for many weeks... Kthnxbai

Would you hire me?

2008-07-13T10:18:00.002Z

SL Name: Kitty Lalonde

RL Age: 27

RL location and time zone: UK (GMT)

What languages do you speak (please provide proficiency level)?

English (Fluent) Typo (also fluent) drunken babbling (Mother tongue)

Normal weekend/weekday SL Online Hours:

12pm til 3pm SL time weekdays Weekends vary between those hours and all the time.

When are you available to start working?

Whenever

========
JOB RELATED
========

Have you ever danced before? If yes where?

Yes, a now sadly defunct club called Oceans 6

Do you escort as well? If so, do you have regular clients?

I do, and only my wife

Did you have any training? submission school or escort training?

I've had training in the fine art of sarcasm and piss taking.

Have you ever had a leading position? or can you see yourself in such a position?

I've been in many a misleading position if that helps.

Why do you wanna work as a dancer/escort? fun? money? ect.

Sheer boredom and the possibility of sex with people with comedy cocks.

Place a X next to any of the following services you offer as well as a number that reflects your SL or RL experience/skill (1 no experience, 2 so so, 3 good, 4 very good, 5 goddess):

Dancing X 5
Escort X 4
BDSM Dominant X 4
BDSM Submissive X 3
Fetish (e.g. showers, humiliation, etc) X depends on the fetish *winks*

=========
PERSONALITY
=========

How would you describe your personality?

Borderline insane, quite mouthy, makes every effort to find humour in everything.

What are your major turn-offs?:

Power cuts

What are your major turn-ons?:

Humour and cheesecake

======
PRACTICE
======

Consider the following situation where you are entertaining a customer. How would you respond to the following suggestions/requests? Use more than one line if needed.

"Hey sexy! Wouldn't mind having you dance on my lap *grins*"

/me giggles "Well I'd love too but you appear to have a small marmoset dancing in your lap already!"

A customer gives you enough to make your top disappear, emote the actual stripping.

/me slides her hands under the waistband of her top, pulling it up across her flesh as she moans softly. Hips undulating softly she continues to remove the top pulling it up over her head and gasping in dismay as it gets stuck under her chin. Attempting to remain calm she tugs pathetically at the top stumbling slightly as it eventually gives way. "Phew" she pants.

You've been giving a yellow rubber duck whilst dancing on your table. What do you do with it? Show off your emoting skills.

/me giggles happily at the duck making it bob up and down complete with little splashing sounds before leaping down from the stage and proceeding to chase people around the room with it making quack quack noises

Why Willow Needs A Wife™

2008-07-12T14:55:00.004Z

Willow Caldera needs a wife because she is a secret lesbian. One only has to look at her blog and her Flickr to see that. The endless references to female genitalia and tribadism burst forth from the page like a spray of female ejaculation (for those who have honed the skill of squirting).

Endless pining for women of the sapphic persuasion is all to evident to even those most basically trained psychologists, in short, this is a woman in pain. Unable to deal with men and her obvious phallus issues she seeks respite taking pictures of her own avatar, all the time wishing for some lucky lady to call her own.

I have taken it upon myself to set Willow free from her yearnings and find her happiness in a large pair of breasts, I post here now, as an example my "Wife for Willow" CV, and I urge you all to post your own.

Dear Miss Caldera,

My name is Kitty Lalonde and I am writing in response to your advertisement for a wife. I enclose my CV for your consideration.

I first became interested in lesbianism during an "Insight" course which I attended during my second year at University. Since then, discussion with my careers adviser and my own research have confirmed my belief that this is an opportunity not for the faint of heart. I feel I am one of those ready to accept the challenge of such an undertaking.

I am particularly interested in a spousal agreement with you due to the high levels of recommendation of people in the sector.

During my time as a student I have had a variety of part-time and vacation jobs, all of which have required me to work to my very limits whilst naked.

As part of my degree course, I chose to carry out a final-year project which involved a statistical analysis of 150 dildo manufacturers and feel this grasp on such a difficult market will stand me very well should we enter into a binding contract.

I shall be available for an interview as soon as I knock off from the fish factory.

Yours sincerely

Kitty Lalonde.

Curriculum Vitae

Name: Kitty Lalonde

Rezdate: 4th July 2006

Education: Passed basic SAT's aged 11

Previous Experience: Once kissed a girl in the dark... By accident

Hobbies and interests: Fellating horses, reading, playing the piano with my tits and walks through Hard Alley

Other Skills: Able to deal with spiders, makes chicken noodle sandwiches, fluent in cunnilingus.

References available on request.

STOLEN!!!!!

2008-07-12T09:40:00.001Z

From the delicious Miss Zander

To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's anything worse than most people expected....

Danger Poon says.....

2008-07-11T11:47:00.000Z

I'm just a post machine, feeding my fantasy blah blah blah blah blah blah.

2008-07-10T17:33:00.002Z

Still horny, found this.

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?

Apart from the ones I have had sex with? Hmmmmm there's a small possibility, yes.

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?

Well.... I do enjoy afternoon sex, it's relaxing and naughty all at the same time

3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

My side of course

4. Pork, beef, or chicken?

To have sex with? Umm beef, to eat? Also beef.

5. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?

I wasn't pulling over, the poor taxi driver was so I could vomit copiously into someones hedge.

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?

Only in second life.

7. Shower or bath?

Shower, I love showers. Great big high powered pulsating torrents of water are soooo much fun.
8. Do you pee in the shower?

Not on a daily basis, but I have done it a few times yes.

9. Mexican or Chinese?

Mexican

10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?

Aggressive of course, sheesh, who wants a man who lies there like a log.

11. Do you love someone on your friends list?

Yes, I worship and adore someone on my friends list.

12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?

Nup

13. Love or money?

Love

14. Credit cards or cash?

Cash, credit cards are evil.

15. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't?

I think I am that person.

16. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel?

I have done both (sorta) and I prefer the camping, apart from the part when you have to sleep that is.

17. What is the weirdest place you have had sex?

Probably in the middle of a pea field

18. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?

No way!

19. Have you ever been to a strip club?

Nope

20. Ever been to a bar?

Of course... Sheesh!

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?

Murhahahaha, I've been kicked out of school, but never an establishment where alcohol can be purchased.. Go figure.

22. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?

Ummmm yes.. In an ambulance *sigh*

23. Kissed someone of the same sex?

Many many times, girls are better kissers you know?

24. Favorite drink?

Jack Daniels, god I love that stuff.

25. Had sex in a movie theater?

Nope

26. Had sex in a bathroom?

Yep, many times. Bathrooms are fun.

27. Have you ever had sex at work?

Technically I work at home, so yes.

28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?

Yes *gasp*

29. Bought something from an adult store?

Pffft the staff waves at me in the street and ask me how the cat is (no euphemism)

30. Have you been caught having sex?

Yes. I'm not proud of it but I will blame Tie

31. Does anyone have naughty pics of you?

Only Tie to my knowledge.

32. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?

One of my fun little handicaps is the complete inability to call someone by their correct name, cleverly 'Baby' 'Darling' 'Gorgeous' and 'Rampant Sex Muffin' work well for all people in bed.

33. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?

Oh who indeed, it was soooooooo indecently prying *yawn*. PS - I tag you all HA!

Someone find me a proper dirty meme

Cybersexxoring 101

2008-07-10T15:34:00.004Z

Begonia Bint has demanded I speak to you about sex... Whether it's for her hilarity or just desperate cramming we shall see. But nevermind, I give to you an ad hoc 101 to cybering.

Names.

Now we're well aware that the repeated use of the word "cock" and "pussy" is going to cause some amount of duress during cybersex, and carry the risk of being the 2 Unlimited of the sex world, and while it is fun to get creative BE CAREFUL.

Acceptable Names

Shaft, cock, cunt, pussy, member (fnar fnar).

Unacceptable Names

Pork sword, love truncheon, beef curtains, nether mouth (Sorry Ms Rice), rod (plumbing?), tool (makes me think of Tetsuo Ironman *shudder*), minge, vagina (ugh), gash.

Foreplay

In the real world FOREPLAY IS GOOD, it is in fact ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY *ahem*. However often in cybering foreplay leads to far too much typing... I mean really you don't have to type 4 sentences for every item of clothing removed, yes my shoes are "Gleaming gently in the dim light of the room, the silky material feeling warm to the touch as they slip sensually off the pristine flesh of my dainty feet" but my batteries are running low already!

Sexual Aids

Not a fleshlight... But the exciting poseballs, body parts and other joyous things that second life offers as direct enhancement to your wanking schedule. It's all been said before, know how to work this stuff and so forth but one thing not said is...

Make sure your prim testicles do not resemble a kilo of brains in a carrier bag and that your cock matches your skin... Thanks.

Ok, I'm bored now, next time we talk to Loaf about his list of "Kitty Cautions".

Ok ok, still simboarding, sorry!

2008-07-10T09:00:00.003Z

Kittens will be on their way soon, but.... I has found something new! (Well, Coley found it, but I be blogging it) Anyhoo, tis called simboarding, and it has to be the coolest thing ever, not crappy jerky skateboards from other places but this thing is smoother than a metal dildo, faster than said dildo on a porn set, and slicker than the floor afterwards (I be horny, you shush now).

You can do the half pipe and get air on this thing! Actual air, not floating off miles away and ending up in a tree, oh no. You go up, you turn round, you come back down, just like a proper sk8or yo! Also you can 'pimp' your board, although I found that my board didn't appreciate being thrown at the denizens of hard alley in a mini skirt, so I settled for making a lil design for it in PS... Fnar fnar.

So, you should all go and get one and we can all while away the wee hours zooming and whooshing up and down and making up excitering lingo. Bodacious! *coughs*

Also, I had a thought for a meme (murhahahahaha) but I cannae remember it now, and I have a "how to get laid in SL (maybe)" hud thing to explain about. I'm sorta tempted to plop it on the fashion feed, but I'd rather jam a cheesegrater up my arse so maybe not.

Huzzah!

SIMBOARDING!!!!!!

2008-07-09T21:37:00.001Z

Go and get a sim board immediately.

Oh and go me I made a video!

Simboarding in Second Life from Kitty Lalonde on Vimeo.

Opinions

2008-07-08T16:48:00.002Z

New MM skins.

Look the same as the old ones to my untrained eye, while lovely, the arse is a bit wierd, the shadows are a tad too high for my liking, meh, maybe my arse is to big.

Fashion Blogs.

All the clothes look the same, all the looks are the same, the names are the same, the jokes, the contests, the memes. Same same same same same. Blah. SL fashion is boring as fuck now, I'm sad to say, and I used to live that stuff... We need something new. I propose tentacle sex.

Copyright theft.

Isn't the whole of SL copyright theft? I'm going to scribble ™ on all the trees in my garden and sue some mofos.

SL5B.

Didn't go, didn't care. Perused some of the hoohah about 'no child av's, goreans or bdsm' briefly. Seems to me it's been "Your world, your imagination - Neither of these are welcome in SL, kindly leave them at the door (unless you're a multinational conglomorate business in which case, please take these sims)" for a while now and we really shouldn't be surprised.

Anyhoo, sorry about random negativity, post about kittens coming when I can bring myself to remove the batteries from my vibrator to put in the camera.

Amendment (to cover all the moon shit up)

2008-06-28T16:47:00.001Z

You have to have to have to check out Bo... Yo.

This dude is a genius, I kid you not.

Continued kleptomania

2008-06-28T16:39:00.001Z

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I r the moon... Umm awesome

Edit: What? No drugs or alcohol? Are you shitting me?

I R Thief.

2008-06-27T16:51:00.003Z

So I was perusing other peoples blogs (very very nice of me as I am obviously self absorbed and shallow, so you shall all be grateful) and I came across this little meme wotsit on This Party is Over. Now obviously I saw it on that Willow Caldera's blog too, but she gets way to much credit for spreading herself wider than (insert whore joke here), so I shall refrain from crediting her. Apparently it's a clever way to let your ipod explain you. Sadly my ipod is currently geared for plugging into my Xbox and driving very fast and generally being violent to. You have been warned

1) How would you describe yourself?

Plug in Baby by Muse.... Vibrator? Possible

2) What do you like in a bloke?

Murhahahaha Dolly Song by Holly Dolly I think I should provide YouTube links from here on in..

3) What is your motto?

Hundred Mile High City by Ocean Colour Scene... Yes, yes indeed. (btw, this is the BEST driving song ever... thank you)

4) What do your friends think of you?

Somebody Told Me by The Killers. Can't keep secrets me.. Bugger.

5) What do you think about often?

*snicker* Lazy by Xpress 2

6) What do your parents think of you?

Daydream by iMonster although possibly the previous one too

7) What do you think of your best friend?

Trick Me by Kelis.. Oh dear.

8) What do you think of the person you like?

Everyday I love you less and less by The Kaiser Chiefs... Paranoid people read into it what you will.

9) What do you want to be when you grow up?

Aren't a grown up yet? Oh well... Chop Suey by System of a Down

10) What do you think when you see the person you like?

Give 'em Hell Kid by My Chemical Romance.. Oh so true I'm afraid. Fookin awesome song though

11) What song will they play at your wedding?

Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand

12) What will they play at your funeral?

She Moves in Her Own Way by The Kooks, obviously if I start moving you should prolly decapitate me, as explained in every good zombie film

13) What is your hobby/interest?

*crosses fingers* something about sex, something about sex.... I Can't Read You by Daniel Beddingfield... 'kaaay.

14) What is your biggest fear?

Black Horse and the Cherry Tree by KT Tunstall. I'm actually fond of both thank you very much

15) What is your biggest secret?

Shitlist by L7. Be warned, I have one!

16) What do you think of your friends?

Atomic by Blondie. Nuclear bastards.

17) What is your theme song?

It Overtakes Me/The Stars Are So Big, I Am So Small... Do I Stand A Chance? by The Flaming Lips

18) What do you think of your family?

Make Damn Sure by Taking Back Sunday.. I R emo

19) What is your best friend's theme song?

Monster by The Automatic. It's true, she is.

20) What is your mood right now?

She's Just Killing Me by ZZ Top, very true, ill children are hard work. (watch vid for Mr Clooney *grins*)

21) If your heart could talk what would it say?

I Don't Feel Like Dancing by The Scissor Sisters. Too true, too true

22) What do your co-workers think of you?

Intergalactic by The Beastie Boys. I'm critically embarrassed by this one. So embarassed I'm not linking.

23) What does your future look like?

Dani California by Red Hot Chilli Pepper's. Oh yes my merkin friends, I'm coming for you! Murhahahah

Fin.

Cat Sex Part 2

2008-06-26T20:35:00.005Z

So we all saw the pictures of horny cats, and we all thought it very sweet. BUT....

Let these pictures tell you a story

Looks like a normal cat huh?

Well it has THE BELLY OF DOOM! Yes, innocent kitten is now a mere statistic, a teen mother, a horrible victim of society and the morally devoid race that we are.. The dirty slag. However there is a lesson for all here.

Yes, here in all it's chilling glory proof that getting pregnant young will MAKE YOUR HEAD MELT.

Let's hope we've saved some lives tonight.

Scawwy

2008-05-15T11:08:00.003Z

I was perusing I Am Bored the other day and it contained a link to The 10 Most Terrifying Video Game Enemies of All Time.

Being the video game fangirl that I am I had to take a peek, and whilst I agreed with a couple I thought the list was, well, a bit lame. So here is my own personal list of 5 least favourite thingies in pooter games.

5 - Sonic the Hedgehog.

Yeah, it was in the original list, but it was true, that fucking music that started up with the oh so cheesily fonted countdown timer on screen instantly caused "Oh my fucking god where's the bubbles? I need to get out NOW" hysterics.

4 - Resident Evil 2

The game was full of nasty things but was my favouritest of all the Resi's. God knows how many times I played it through to get some sort of quick time completion thingy. Things however got interesting when you unlocked the second stories. All very fun until helicopters started dropping flashing mac giant men. Who would stomp down the corridor in a mindless fashion intent on bludgeoning you to death with their big meaty fists. Bastards.

3 - T Rex from Tomb Raider

This one was a complete shock. I remember skipping quite cheerfully through the huge valley having dispatched the cheeky raptors with style and grace (jump and shoot ftw) when with no prior warning the biggest badly rendered lizard EVER stomps into view and promptly devours you, leaving you gibbering quietly at the screen and refusing to ever go back there.

2 - Silent Hill

I was kinda shocked by the lists complete lack of Silent Hill beings, while it was mostly the overall atmosphere of the game that left you pondering your sanity the monsters were mostly indistinguishable blobs with sharp bits. The ones that messed with my head the most were the black babies, or Larval Stalkers, to give them their proper name. These little blighters stalked the corridors of the school, didn't hurt you but made your radio go insane and squeaked in a wholly disturbing fashion at you. I actually couldn't sleep without the light on after them.

In joint first - Forbidden Siren and Warlock of Firetop mountain

Forbidden Siren was one of my blockbuster rental jobs, I had this game for 2 days and it was a love hate relationship. I loved it because it was very very well made, and had loads of clever little touches, however I hated it because it was FUCKING SCARY. You had this ability to see throught the eyes of the monster, when you could see what they were seeing you knew how you could sneak round them, useful as you'd foolishly been given no weapons. All very well and good until you see through the eyes of one who is looking at a hedge, and is making horrible guttaral breathing grunty noises. Then you skip round and they charge at you making more excited noises and then knock you over and eat/violate your near dead body. Nasty.

Warlock was one of the first games I ever played. It was on the spectrum and consisted of a map filled with pixellated spiders and little purple things. I doubt anyone else in the world has played it but it was fiendishly addictive. The plan was you'd run into rooms collecting keys and then go and fight a warlock kill him, open the chest, and escape... Apart from the fact that the warlock was the biggest cunt in the world and you didn't know which room he was in, and would often happen upon by mistake and get your arse handed to you. He was pure evil and I never ever managed to slay the little bastard, a sad fact that still haunts me today.

Teh Warlock!

I'm still here... Sorta... Part II

2008-05-07T22:12:00.003Z

First off the above picture shows that I have a Blood Elf (Or belf for those hardcore among you) and am on Willow Caldera's secret hidden server. I'm Kittylish (Damn those other Kitty's) and Tie is Tierna (Damn those other Tiernan's as well) and I have a cat called Geoffrey....

In other news, for those that don't know, my reasons for being offline recently are due to my ex falling very very ill. It's not good and I'm not going into it, but it's fairly heavy shit and I just need some time to quietly deal with it all. I don't want vast amounts of sympathy and so forth, but I hate to fall silent with no good reason. So that is my reason and now you all know.

Much love to y'all

Random post time.

2008-05-02T08:38:00.002Z

First of all, I has a piggy in WoW, well worth doing the Childrens week quest as you get a piggy, a rat or a toitle, or 5 gold... Whatever. LOOK at my piggy.

In other news, causing me muchos hilarity today is this lil Video from National Lampoon

Cat Sex

2008-04-30T07:46:00.003Z

Last night we were safely holed up in the boudoir (Me, Tie, an xbox and a copy of GTA IV) when we heard some sort of strangled cat sound, so we trooped downstairs to discover our oh so innocent kitten had persuaded a big (and fucking ugly) tomcat to come in the house and other places. Having shooed the cat out we shut the window and that was that. Except the kitten was squeaking pathetically and making shag me eyes at the tomcat (imaginatively named Tommy by me and Tie) who remained outside the window, in the rain, making noise.

"Tommy, Tommy, where for art thou Tommy"

I got bored then and so returned to GTA. This morning I awoke to find Tommy still in the garden, looking, well wet, and the kitten still whoring it up at the window.

Wet Cat

So this cat has spent a good 14 hours, in the rain, just on the off chance it may get a ride. That's dedication, horny men make note.

Oh and on the off chance he's banged the kitten up, anyone want a pregnant cat? Thanks.

EEK!! A chain!

2008-04-29T15:44:00.002Z

Anyone who cares to have asked (sadly very few) will know I have an intense dislike of chain things, emails, letters, notecards. I despise them all, the only chain I want contact with is a prim nipple type of chain, but I digress.

The problem is when the people I love send me these chain things, I want to respond, really I do, but I'm anti chain, so for those of you that have sent me the 'Getting to know you' note card, here's my response.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
7:45 am

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds, I dunno, pearls are just meh.

3. What was the last film you saw in the theatre?
Well Tie and I went to see that new Dead film by George A Romero. The one with the camcorder and the acid zombie destruction.

4. Favorite TV Show?
Bah, I don't really watch telly, so I shall say Friends.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Cigerettes, left overs or toast, or nothing. Oh and Tie's delicious tea.

6. What is your middle name?
Louise

7. What food do you dislike?
Sprouts, cliched but true.

8. What is your favorite cd at the moment?
Umm I generally make up mix cds to play in the car. But I do like them

9. Favorite sandwich?
Noodles (see previous post)

10. What characteristic do you despise?
People who constantly whinge about how fucking terrible their job/partner/life is without actually listening to advice or indeed doing anything about it.

11. Favorite item of clothing?
Head bands, great for keeping hair in a restrained fashion. Also my boobie enhancing (but often painful) bra

12. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation...
I want to drive across the states randomly for a few months. Possibly with a gun.

13. What color is your bathroom?
That horrible 'I'm redecorating' bits of wallpaper and bare wall effect. Although it's been like that for a while...

14. Do you make friends easily?
Sort of, I'll natter away with anyone but I'm so easily distracted. I think I neglect most of my friends to be honest.

15. Where would you retire?
In some sort of random little community, where you see the old dears in flowery dresses watering flowers and flirting with their 60 yr old 'toy boy'

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
Oh crap, I shall probably annoy many people with this (Sorry Tie) but I only ever really remember going to the zoo on my 21st and getting to feed the lemurs... Don't ask.

17. Favorite sport to watch?
Erm... The sport I mind watching least is probably rugby. Or gymnastics.

18. How many towns have you lived in?
Somewhere in the region of 7 I think

19. How many people do you think will send this back?
No one! Cos I'm not sending it.

20. What is on your bedroom floor right now?
What isn't on my floor at the moment..... Off the top of my head, several books, lots of strewn rizlas, some clothes, lots of crap, some chains, the box Tie's giant telly came in and a cartoon I drew (on request) of a horse fucking a woman.... Well you wanted honesty.

21. Favorite saying?
Anyhoo - Me

22. When is your birthday?
28th September

23. Morning person or night person?
I prefer mornings but nights are less stressful

24. What is your shoe size?
An english 8/9

25. Pets?
1 kitten, which is no longer a kitten but is still referred to as such

26. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I got GTA IV today... Go me!

27. What did you want to be when you were little?
Many many things, including a journo, marine biologist, actress, singer and witch (Mildred Hubble was terrible for small children)

28. Which talent would you most like to have?
Hypnosis.. Oh the fun.

29. Which words or phrases do you overuse?
Huzzah, anyhoo and I digress. Oh and snickers.

30. What is your favorite flower?
White lilies

31. What is the day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
Erm.... Christmas?

32. What color are your eyes?
Blue, blue/grey, possibly slate blue (Never ask Tie to define your eye colour)

33. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Zoids. They pwnd everything else on the planet.

34. Summer or winter?
Winter, coldness and blankety snuggles.

35. Hugs or kisses?
EEK human contact! *runs away screaming*

36. Chocolate or vanilla?
If we're talking milkshake? Vanilla

37. Do you want your friends to send this back to you?
Nope.

38. What is under your bed?
Monsters. And large amounts of crap and nostalgia.

39. When was the last time you cried?
Good question, I have no idea

40. Who is the friend you have had the longest in SL?
Tie.

41. What did you do last night?
Played WoW til 2am, had a shower, talked to Tie, passed out.

42. Favorite smell?
Chanel Allure or Dior Addict

43. What are you afraid of?
Jellyfish, moths and large things underwater (such as whales and airplanes)

44. Plain, sweet, or salted popcorn?
Sweet

45. How many keys on your keyring?
Pass, I lost my keys months ago and just use Ties

46. How many years at your current job?
What's a job?

47. Do you have any scars?
Loads, I'm an obsessive scab picker, my most notable non surgical scar is one that resembles a bean on my left knee. I got that hurtling around a sharp bend on my moped and scraping myself along a cornish wall.

48. Favorite day of the week?
Fridays are nice

49. What is your worst habit?
Farting

50. How old were you when you got your first crush on someone?
Umm I believe that would have been around the age of 7 (and it was Macguyver *sighs*)

51. How old were you when you lost your virginity? where did you lose it?
15, in a shed.. I'm all class me.

52. Ever been arrested?
No, although I've come close

53. What is the most embarrassing celebrity/band/whatever that you'll admit to liking?
Ace of Base... Sad but true.

54. If you could travel back in time, when would you visit?
Some sort of dinosaur time would be good for shits and giggles.

55. How many people are you sending this to?
No one! Murhahahahahah

Noodle Sandwiches

2008-04-28T12:17:00.003Z

I have explained this elsewhere, but here, in full glorious photographic stylee is a simple guide to creating this chav/posh delicacy... Noodle Sandwiches.

Noodle sandwiches are loved by everyone, including small children who relish in spreading the sticky strands across their cherubic faces. Even kittens love them (but only when you're not holding a camera near them and screaming "Eat the fucking noodles you bastard, it'll be funny!").
They can also be cooked with just a kettle if you're in the wilds/in a bedsit.

First off, ingredients. You will require some batchelors super noodles (chicken is best), some butter or olive oil if you're all swanky (actually, fuck that, never tried it with olive oil and it may well be vile). And some sort of cheese, cheeses that work best are cheddar, smoked cheese and mozerella. You'll also need bread, a saucepan and some sort of mixing implement (not pictured)

Ingredients (duh)

Having created your noodles to the specifications on the packet, you'll have to grate/tear up your cheese into the pan. You may need to return it to the heat in order to melt it all in properly. You can also add other exciting things like ham and sweetcorn, but we'll keep it simple for now.

Goodness in a pan (That's mozerella by the by, not chicken)

Next you need to butter a piece of bread and flop your noodles to one side of said bread.

You really have to trust me on this

Next, fold up your bread to create a half sandwich.. Consume!

Yummy!

And there you have it folks, next week we shall be making fish pie!

Traitorous me!

2008-04-22T21:07:00.003Z

So I've been umm not in SL of late, basically after many many years of pooh pohhing WoW I've been forced to say it's actually jolly good!

That there is a lovely picture of me, Tie and my loyal pwning puddy tat Rawr, as we scamper around together killing things. I'd also like to point out that Tie is the bear/boar/werewolf creature, but has been whinging about her lack of ability and some such bullshit and now wants to be a Mage. Some people are so difficult.

Anyhoo, I'm sure I will return at somepoint to the marvellous world of SL, probably when I get bored of WoW, and GTA IV which as any muppet will tell you comes out one week today!

PITMAN!!!!!!!! (For Willow)

2008-04-19T17:23:00.002Z

Ish a Meme (sorry!)

2008-04-19T11:02:00.002Z

Okay, so I found this, and it looked fun, so I'll shup and get on with it

1. Who was the last person you spoke with?

Ummm, last sensible rational adult person I spoke with was Tie, on the phone, as she's miles away... The fiend

2. Who was the last person you saw at work?

Murhahahaha, I'm nasty dole scum so I couldn't possibly answer that.

3. Who was the last person to comment on your blog?

Oh bugger, I dunno. On this blog, it was quite possibly Trinity.

4. Who was the last person that you wrote a post about?

It would have to be Willow Caldera who inspired a Mean Girls post with her contant whinging and nagging (that girl is SO high maintenance, really she is).

5. Who was the last person that you emailed?

Ah this is easy. The last person I emailed was a friend of mine from way back in the mists of time when I was aged 12/13. She sent me an email to my old aol addy that I hadn't lookied at in a while, so I emailed her back to accuse her of being a swinger *smirks*

6. Who was the last person that you phoned?

The last person I phoned would be my ex, he'd just come out of the hossy having some tests and I wanted to see how he was.

7. Who was the last person to give you bad advice?

Probably myself. I'm not really very good at advising myself on what to do, I can't actually think of a person who gave me bad advice as I don't actually listen to people.

8. Who was the last person to give you good advice?

Tie, advising me in matters of drama, although an honourable mention goes to a RL foul mouthed londoner friend of mine who advised me on many a life changing thing without which I wouldn't be wear I am today.

9. Who was the last person that you kissed?

That would be Tie again *grins*.

Applying for roleplay sims is fun

2008-04-15T14:40:00.000Z

Todays Date:
13th September 2007

Name:
Dinglemy Doodle

How did you find Claiming Beauty?
I found it to be charm personified

Have you read the "Beauty" trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure?
No, but i have read the autobiography of a bed spring from the film Debbie does Dallas, which I gather is much the same thing

Do you have roleplay experience?
No (ha! Do you see what I did there? I was playing a person who had never roleplayed! Clever huh? Actually I studied roleplay for three years under Professor Mike Hunt at Oxford)

What role would you like to assume?
I would like to assume the role of a quiet gentle neanderthal

Please give a character history, a good background story increases the likelihood of your membership being accepted.

Boris is a neanderthal from 350,000 years ago who, due to the advances in cloning, has been reawoken.
Fueled with anger and a deep sense of loss for his mate Doris, he went on a crazed rampage, slaughtering many rabbits and even a large water vole.
Luckily he happened upon a small village, and took refuge behind the large waterfall.
Much of his time is spent sitting and brooding, occasionally hitting people with sticks and starring in films with Mark Wahlburg and Helena Bonham-Carter

If accepted, would you be willing to include Claming Beauty in you picks along with a character bio of your character?
My dears, I would paint an advert on the end of my penis and dance about naked for all to see.

For registry on the official website www.***********.com please include an email address :
dinglemydoodle@hotfuckityfuckmail.co.uk

Some sort of tagging crap...

2008-04-15T09:06:00.008Z

Four Jobs

Selling catfood by cold calling - Mmmm that one was fun, though amazingly over the course of several months at least three people actually bought some.

Insurance queries twat - Even more fun.

Correlating traffic survey data - Yay for data entry!

Bookshop salespersonmuppet - No, you don't get to sit around reading all day sadly.

Four Favourite Fillums

True Romance - Just an awesome story.

The Big Lebowski - Because Kitty hates, loathes and detests it (though she hasn't even seen it, the weirdo)

Requiem for a Dream - Nasty, harrowing, depressing but very very cool nevertheless.

Ghost in the Shell - It's a more recent favourite, I think it's the music more than anything (though the whole thing is very beautiful).. totally hypnotic.

Four Places I've Been

I have to keep this list short and pathetic or Kitty will probably explode in a very messy pile of jealousy, so umm here are four fairly crap places.. yes they are honestly.

Croatia - If you're British be prepared to consume a lot of saliva as they don't like us very much and don't mention the war.

San Diego - It's really nasty and rains all the time, though if anyone felt to put a fish burrito in the post I'd be eternally grateful *pokes Trinity*

Rhyl (in Wales) - I was trying to get to Carlisle but got on the train going in the opposite direction.

Istanbul - I couldn't tell you much about it as I was only there for a day and had a terrible hangover.

Four Places I've Lived

Leamington Spa - too posh, apparently.

Manchester - Less bad than most people think.

Worthing - Where you go to die.

Cornwall - YAY

Four Favourite TV Shows

Ummm, I don't really watch any tv shows religiously anymore but from back in the day...

Chicago Hope - Nobody else ever watched it but as hospital programs go I thought it was great!

Neighbours/Home and Away - blah blah

Crystal Maze - Until it changed and became crap.

Twin Peaks - Weird goodness.

Four Favourite Radio Shows

Trinala obviously, I like their lunchtime news updates and traffic reports. Umm can't think of any others. Oh, Trinala maybe?

Four Places I'd Rather Be

Here but in some sort of slightly altered dimension type thing where I have loads of money.

Yay it's over!

Tie and Kitty are SERIOUS fashionistas...

2008-04-15T09:04:00.002Z

Not like the rest of you wannabe's.

Here's the proof.

Tiernan Serpentine: You is all nakie!
Kitty Lalonde: Am not
Tiernan Serpentine tweaks the chains piercing your nipples and nods, "nuh uh, so are
Kitty Lalonde: I believe, as you just so eloquently emoted, I'm wearing chains, and therefore, according to Gladwill's 13th law on dress sense and the occlusion of Greta, that I am, categorically, NOT naked
Kitty Lalonde smiles benignly
Tiernan Serpentine: Pffft don't talk to me about Gladwill's law, as we all know he was roundly condemned as irrelevant when the subclause of Giberny's general laws of fashion, design and toothwear were passed
Tiernan Serpentine shakes her head, staring at you in amazement
Tiernan Serpentine: Therefore, entirely nakie!
Kitty Lalonde: I would never have taken you for a Gibernite... Never
Kitty Lalonde is stunned
Tiernan Serpentine mutters something about the separatists, mentioning 'retards' under her breath
Kitty Lalonde: I am not retardid
Tiernan Serpentine: You lot are so reactionary, just making a fuss about nothing
Tiernan Serpentine quotes from Giberny, ".... and thus, as aforementioned in the proceeding chapter, apropro of clause 3.7 and not disregarding the pending legislation, a chain covering the nipple may be classed as clothing but a chain passing through the uncovered nipple is only ever slutty and should be noted as such, furthermore...."
Kitty Lalonde: Well how do you explain Giberny's fall from grace in 1985 when he was found to have learnt all his vast knowledge of the fashion industry from one issue of the Littlewoods catalogue and his subsequent revoking of his Fashion Council license
Kitty Lalonde looks smug
Tiernan Serpentine: Well that's as maybe but as we all know very well two years later Littlewoods was featured at the world famous Cardiff fashion extravaganza, at which time Bradbury said quite categorically that Littlewoods was a 'forward looking, exciting and standard setting' and as I'm sure you can recall the Daily Fashion Blogger said they were 'enthralled by the innovation of [Littlewoods]'
Kitty Lalonde snorts and stomps off

I'm vain so...

2008-04-07T11:01:00.004Z

I'm going to pretend Willow Caldera had me in mind when she did some taggering.

Sooo four things eh? Well.

Four Jobs

Waitress - crap

Checkout muppet - also crap

Burger King lacky - So bad I only managed one day before making up a random excuse as to not be working there any more

Seller of fishing trips to the general population - This one was fun actually, I got to sit in a box at the harbour reading my book until some group of male creatures came past, then I flashed them me tits and a cheery smile and sold them on going for a four hour fishing trip.

Four Favourite Movies

Gah, well Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is on the list, because it is bloody great, and also very self helpy in many ways. Oh and has Kate Winslet looking very drunken and shaggable.

Aliens - Yeah shup. I loves Aliens, and I like it over the first one on the grounds it's much more exciting and has Micheal Biehn in.

Dusk Til Dawn - George Clooney. Hot tattoo. Blood. Sweat. Vampires. Easy choice.

Anything hentai with tentacles in or Mary Poppins. You pick.

Four Places I've Been

Oh dear, I am the least travelled person ever. I haven't even made it to Scotland, although I have been all over France when I was a nipper so that will have to be it.

Four Places I've Lived

Fleet.

Yateley

London for around two weeks when I was small.

All over Cornwall

Four Favourite TV Shows

I don't really watch tv much, but in the name of memes

Friends - I don't care, I like it

Knightmare - BEST KIDS PROGRAM EVER. Sadly unavailable now unless you have fanshy sky boxes.

Robot Wars - Did I mention how geeky I was? Sorry but I found much entertainment in modified lawnmowers beating seven shades of shit out of each other.

Any program involving police chases, or car crashes or American blokies calling the roads in Britain freeways.

Four Favourite Radio Shows

Nup, can't do it, since the untimely demise of John Peel I only listen to radio when I get bored of CD's in the car.

Four Places I'd rather be

Milliways, the restaurant at the end of the universe.

Somewhere in the Nevada desert with a big old truck thing and a gun.

On the set of the Truman Show

In bed.

In the spirit of giving I'm going to throw this wide open to whoever wants it (Tie, you HAVE to do it), if you do feel all warm and special and want do the nasty meme thing, please gimme a link so I can look!

kthnxbai

What we did in London town

2008-04-04T14:22:00.002Z

I'm sure everyone was distraught beyond all distraughtness at my absence yesterday.. No? Well pfft.

Me and Tie headed off to old london town to show me kids some dinosaurs at the natural history museum. After me being retarded and not putting my alarm clock forward an hour we eventually dragged our collective arses out at 7:30am (We were aiming for 6 *sighs*) four hours of driving ensued, highlights of which were, Stonehenge, VERY slow drivers in front of me and Radio one playing Wing (hilarious) which everyone else in the car slept through. Got on the M3 and handed it all over to Nerves of Steel™ who was our designated 'driving in scawy london' driver and amazingly found the museum, AND found a parking space. Both the science and natural history museums have changed though (prolly a good thing, I last went when I was 12) but we did get to see the big T rex which was cool.
Our general modus operandi at such places is to run round looking at everything whilst avoiding the educational and poking at the fun stuff. Oh and then you have to pile into the shop to buy expensive crap that will break in two minutes.

All doned we piled back into the car and scampered around london looking at the sights from the safety (*snorts*) of the car, when I say sights I mean all the big builderings like the eye and tower bridge and so forth. Oh and Battersea Power Station, which for some reason I'm in love with, it just looks very big and ominous. Then I got us lost, and more lost. I think everyone appreciated the hour long detour through south london though. After that it was pub dinner and me driving along the M4/M5 quite cheerfully (playing many games with a little silver vw golf, mostly involving overtaking each other at varying intervals and slowing down for the 20 billion unmarked police cars on the M4 who had pulled people over) but giving in on the A30 due to my leg having issues with my driving.

I'm quite obsessed with driving, as Tie pointed out yesterday I'm like indiana jones in a car with everything being an adventure and having something to talk about on every single trip.

So yes, long and boring but that's where I was.

Another post!

2008-04-01T14:26:00.002Z

Okay so I love april fools day, can't do one of my own for shit, but adore everyone elses. Favourites so far this year would be

Armidi/Tableau merge.

Virgle Project - Richard Branston and Google peeps are gonna take us to mars! Huzzah!

And the last and best april fools day for this year, courtesy of the Lindens.

(although, you did get the date wrong guys)

Cold Sweat

2008-04-01T12:53:00.004Z

If you want to make Kitty Lalonde cry then just take her here in Swindon (apparently there's one in Hemel and Cardiff too, yay!). Whoever thought of calling them 'magic mushroom circles' had a pretty twisted sense of humour.

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

2008-03-31T18:45:00.001Z

Look it me! (Slutting it up in an alleyway as per usual)

D:Ream

2008-03-31T09:30:00.002Z

Sadly this isn't a post about the hugely popular group from the early nineties, I just used it cos it sounded good at the time. Although this post is about dreams. As seen in previous posts I've always been a fairly vivid dreams. I even think I've had some nostradamus type visions in my dreams (for example, I dreamt I was on one of them red london buses with the open roofs and it was being followed by a fireball/meteorite, the next day it was on the news that someone, possibly the IRA I'm not sure, had blown up a london bus) anyway, these have always made me slightly wary of my own dreams. Which all makes it slightly hard when for the last few weeks nearly every single one of my dreams has been a nightmare. The worst one was the other night, I'm not going into it but it kinda makes me not want to sleep anymore. Obviously I did go to sleep and dreamt that Tie was having an affair, all very jolly until I realise that Tie had been downstairs on the tooter while I was asleep.

It's all fairly possible that my dreams are my paranoia's raising their ugly heads. Do I think Tie is having an affair? No. But now I can't fight off the sickening feeling I felt in my dream.

All things considered I should either A:Stop eating cheese before bed B:Find some sleepers or C:Get over myself. But for now I feel much better for involving a small part of the world in my imaginary drahmah.

kthnxbai

Willow creates nostalgia, Kitty dives in gleefully

2008-03-29T16:09:00.002Z

The delightful Ms Zander did a bloggity blog post on nostaligia, and asked everyone to do one of their own, rather than fill her comments with my tales I thought I'd do it here, clever no?

When I originally joined SL in the dark dark days of 2004 I was a complete retard. This was compounded by not having the 'proper' graphics card and therefore rendering everything on an avatar completely invisdible apart from their eyes and any prims (this was 2004 though, people didn't wear prims because when they did they were shunned by society for creating lag). Pathetically I whimpered at the help people (god I miss them) and met Alliez Mysterio, who took me under her wing and gave me one of her newbie apartment thingies, which was my first home. When the time period on that ran out (one month, it was gone all to quickly *sighs*) I went and squatted on a friends land in one of the fancy pants snow sims. Unfortunately I did have to fly across two sims from the telehub, but nevermind. (Side note: I miss telehubs, you got to see people at them and it was all very exciting, I landed on Anshe Chung once). After this my land baron friend (once again, back in the days where land barons were proper barons and they had a little list on the SL website that they used to masturbate over saying who had the most land and none of them used bots) sold me some land for nowt in Quat (I was shagging him at the time) and on this I attempted to build a gypsy caravan (crap) and a pub (also crap)

Me and Tie sometime around christmas 04, dressed as
half snails and standing on my pub

Shortly after all this I had to leave SL, and didn't come back til 2006. I bought a plot in Yawgoo, sadly not because it had a funny name. After that I went and squatted with Tie I think, it's all extremely fuzzy, in Tofte and from then on we bought the sim (*smug*).

It's weird though, even having a sim (*more smug*) I still miss Quat, I dunno, it was all very homely, Play Sexy just round the corner, lots of water and stuff. There's still land for sale there and I'm still tempted at times. But then I am a crazy person.

Help meh!

2008-03-26T16:02:00.002Z

So if y'all read my previous post about people who be begging and shit. Well... I've had a whole heap O' trouble from that. Yes my poor pixel arse is getting sued *sighs dramatically*

So in true style of keeping you updated here's the skinny.

Lieh Nessen: hello remenber me?
Kitty Lalonde: Sadly yes
Lieh Nessen: i dont liked to see
Lieh Nessen: my conversation in a websitye
Lieh Nessen: website*
Kitty Lalonde: Well I don't like to be harrassed by scabs in the middle of a shop, and neither do my friends
Kitty Lalonde shrugs
Lieh Nessen: ^^
Lieh Nessen: great
Lieh Nessen: i holp you press delete soon
Lieh Nessen: bye
Kitty Lalonde: 'kaay

This was about a week ago and then today I got...

Lieh Nessen: HEY
Lieh Nessen: I SAID FOR TAKE OFF THAT CONVERSATION FROM THE INTERNET
Kitty Lalonde: Did you?
Lieh Nessen: yes
Kitty Lalonde: Oh dear...
Lieh Nessen: better you take or you will get problems with the justice
Lieh Nessen: you cant put my name in a spot without my permission
Lieh Nessen: do you knew?
Kitty Lalonde: Ummmm
Kitty Lalonde: What justice? Is it anything like the Justice League?
Lieh Nessen: ...
Lieh Nessen: im not kidding dear
Kitty Lalonde: Well technically, it's not really your name
Lieh Nessen: is my caracter name
Kitty Lalonde: It's the name of your second life avatar, which, in theory is owned by linden labs
Lieh Nessen: so it tecgnically is my name
Kitty Lalonde: Well it'd be kinda hard for someone to take issue with really
Kitty Lalonde: And to be honest, if you hadn't been such a scab it wouldn't be there in the first place would it?
Kitty Lalonde shrugs
Lieh Nessen: i give you 1 week
Lieh Nessen: bye
Kitty Lalonde: Buh bai now!
Lieh Nessen: vai te foder por agora

Which was all terrifying as you may well imagine. Much shaken now I got a call from her 'Lawier'

Alessa Christen: Hello mrs. Lalonde
Kitty Lalonde: Hello?
Alessa Christen: Iam a Lawier
Alessa Christen: I came to talk about you website
Kitty Lalonde: Oh yes..
Alessa Christen: You could have problems with the justiçe... because you cant put name of people in a Website without their permission
Alessa Christen: I'm just here to advice you
Alessa Christen: So I hope you will clear that post...
Alessa Christen: Bye
Alessa Christen: Thank you for your attention :)
Kitty Lalonde: Well yes, I'm sure you can't (obviously ignoring the countless celebrities and other household names who have their names mention in websites on a daily basis) but it's not her name, it's an online moniker and therefore owned by linden labs, THEY however do have a policy on not posting conversations. However it's not for the whole web, just the second life site, and SL itself
Kitty Lalonde: So umm yeah! Have a nice day y'all
Alessa Christen: If you dont clear it in about 21 week, Lieh Nessen has the right to report it to the autorities
Kitty Lalonde: Okies
Alessa Christen: With her SL name someone can get her personal Details
Alessa Christen: Unless she give you permission to do what you did
Alessa Christen: Have a very nice day
Kitty Lalonde: Well okies, but I'm afraid I'm going to counter claim for misleading information
Kitty Lalonde: And general breaches of the trades description acts
Kitty Lalonde: And AR for harrassment
Kitty Lalonde: Both of you
Kitty Lalonde: Ta ra now!
Alessa Christen: Bye
Alessa Christen: I work with Law...
Alessa Christen: Better be carefull honey
Kitty Lalonde: Darlin' you can't even spell lawyer
Kitty Lalonde smiles
Alessa Christen: So sweet...

Meanwhile back at Kitty Lalonde is a slandering biatch HQ

Tiernan Serpentine: Oh hiya, I was just looking at your profile. There's a bit you need to change
Lieh Nessen: ?
Tiernan Serpentine: "please dont ask me for mony or beg for something"
Tiernan Serpentine: Thanks!
Lieh Nessen: do i know you??:S
Tiernan Serpentine: Yes you were begging me for money the other day
Lieh Nessen: a..
Lieh Nessen: can you go to ... can you dont molest me?
Lieh Nessen: ty
Tiernan Serpentine: You IM'd me dear, I didn't IM you the first time. I'm not molesting anyone just saying it's a bit naughty telling people not to beg you for money when you go around begging hehe
Lieh Nessen: wow great
Lieh Nessen: shut up now
Tiernan Serpentine: Okies, bye bye now!

That's all for now, as I wait to dodge the fearsome shadowy lawyer creatures and snipers bullets, I will leave you with some helpful advice.

If people try and skank a few L$ out of you, just orbit them. It's a lot less time consuming.

Pay attention!

2008-03-22T23:33:00.001Z

Okay okay, I didn't make it, wish I had but sadly no.

This does start slow but ends up funny so please bear with it you tiny little ADD freaks you!

A tiny rant and something fun

2008-03-21T00:12:00.003Z

*take deep breath* Basically... I'm kinda scoobied as to why someone, who has said that they will be unable to SL for technical reasons, even going so far as to place a donation box to raise money to fix said difficulties so they can return to SL. Then they apparently spend every day from then on going to the LAGGIEST PLACES IN SECOND LIFE.

Smells like horse shit to me but nevermind.

As promised summit fun, here's a little fun thing that lets you drive a teeny tiny (yellow) car all over the google maps. Harder than it looks (I spent five minutes on the A30 before realising I was going the wrong way) but muchos fun!

Enjoy!

I am...

2008-03-19T08:18:00.001Z

A clumsy giant squid who likes to kneel on toes.

Find out what you are!

(Annoying music, sowwy)

Fun with tramps

2008-03-11T23:45:00.002Z

Lieh Nessen: Hi
Lieh Nessen: can you help me?
Kitty Lalonde: Depends on what sort of help you want
Kitty Lalonde smiles
Lieh Nessen: i need 90 lindens can you help me with 1 or 2 lindens please??? sorry for being molesting but i cant make camp, cause i dont receive the money :(
Lieh Nessen: wow
Lieh Nessen: love your boots
Lieh Nessen: ^^
Kitty Lalonde: Thank you, but I'm sorry hun, I'm brassic at the minute, nice boots don't come cheap
Lieh Nessen: ?
Lieh Nessen: i just asked
Lieh Nessen: for money
Lieh Nessen: i dotn said for you give me
Lieh Nessen: i asked
Lieh Nessen: why are you being rude?
Kitty Lalonde: Yes, I said I don't have any
Lieh Nessen: oh good bye
Kitty Lalonde sighs

Also.....

Lieh Nessen: hi can you hel pme?
Tiernan Serpentine: What do you need?
Lieh Nessen: hello?
Lieh Nessen: can you help me?
Tiernan Serpentine: Ummm yes hi? I asked what you needed
Lieh Nessen: oh you
Lieh Nessen: lol
Lieh Nessen: sorry
Lieh Nessen: need 90 lindens
Lieh Nessen: ca you help
Lieh Nessen: me with 1 or 2?
Lieh Nessen: please?
Tiernan Serpentine: Sorry no
Lieh Nessen: hum ok

And so......

You shout: Can one of the boys in here please off that poor girl who's IMing everyone for money some cash in return for a blowjob... kthnxbai
You shout: *offer
Tiernan Serpentine shouts: Off her? That's a bit drastic...
You shout: It was a TYPO now SHUSH

The fun!

Oh bugger... AND

2008-03-10T15:42:00.002Z

Has anyone noticed that Brutal Honesty (after being dead for months *snickers*) is now invite only? Oh the long run its course drahma!

I is all famous and shit!

2008-03-10T15:26:00.003Z

So I got to meet CodeBastard Redgrave on some sort of photostudio event releasing thingy. We got all chatty and she turned out to be an MG fan (and a complete and total slut too, but hey! The best ones always are *winks*).

Anyhoo, upshot of a long story is I gots to be one of the Boudoir Rouge babe creatures and THAT is my photo. You can see everyone else from the collection (as I'm all nice a stuff) here.

p.s. GO ME!!!

p.p.s. Abyss boots ftw

You prolly didn't know I was gone but...

2008-03-07T15:52:00.003Z

I have been gallavanting around the english countryside (Brum and Lahnden) for the last two days without any interwebby AT ALL. Which was all very fun/depressing/new for me.

Me and Tie headed to the big smoke to go and see the remains of a crazy egotistical blokes dreams of umm craziness. Otherwise know as the Emperor of Qin's Terracotta Army.

As you may/may not know the British Museum got they're sticky paws (although they were most likely told to clean them first) on some of these statue thingies, and bought them back to Londoncestershire to show all the excitable british people (Or those who felt to pay 10 quid to look a big clay men).

Actually I sound terribly flippant as it was all very cool (And crowded, dear god what I would have given for some sort of stabbing device) even if me and Tie spent more time snickering over the horses genitalia and what the blokes were doing with their hands.

So anyhoo, for those that care, that's where I've been, and now I'm back but may be uncommunicatable as I will most probably being sordi.... I mean productive, in my dunge... Shop, yes shop.

Danke

Day of the Tentacle

2008-03-04T13:28:00.003Z

Picture Credits from left to right: Druss Mandala, Tiernan Serpentine and Kitty Lalonde

Kitty Lalonde slobbers over your shoulder
Tiernan Serpentine moans softly as the thick goo slides down her skin
Druss Mandala waves, "Alright Barry"
Kitty Lalonde: Oh, hiya Dave. Good weekend with the missus?
Druss Mandala: Oh yeah same old, you know. We went down the swamp again
Tiernan Serpentine narrows her eyes
Kitty Lalonde: Oh nice, still it's a break innit
Druss Mandala: Oh aye, nice change from the office and all
Kitty Lalonde nods wistfully
Druss Mandala: How's things with you?
Druss Mandala: Little ones still at school?
Kitty Lalonde: Oh, not bad, can't comlain really, although I'm a bit worried with BT laying off so many engineers at the moment
Kitty Lalonde: I mean my qualifications are good but..
Kitty Lalonde: There were some nasty rumours back along
Druss Mandala nods in sympathy
Kitty Lalonde slops on the floor
Druss Mandala: Still, you could always go back to your old job in the pub
Kitty Lalonde: I could, it just seems like a step back. You know? And Denise is putting pressure on me to get her up the duff
Druss Mandala scratches his arse with a tentacle
Kitty Lalonde sighs and bubbles sadly
Druss Mandala: Denise? Blimey mate, you moved on from that Gertrude quickly
Druss Mandala: She still at uni?
Kitty Lalonde: Yeah, she was never going to hang around. Plus she used to say I had a tiny tentacle. I mean, c'mon, a large slimy monster can only take so much
Tiernan Serpentine bites her lip and holds her hand up, "Ummm is it true that you lot rape women horribly?"
Kitty Lalonde: Scuse us love, do you mind? Private conversation
Druss Mandala: Pffft I saw your tentacle in the changing rooms at the local pool, and it's not tiny at all! Not that I was looking or anything but y'know, you can't help but notice stuff...
Kitty Lalonde: Aww Dave, you've always been good to me you 'ave
Tiernan Serpentine looks deeply embarrassed, "Oh I'm sorry..."

Huzzah!

2008-03-04T12:12:00.002Z

Saving you time on domestic chores. Get your monitor cleaned ONLINE!

Clean the Screen

Fucksocks I got tagged. AGAIN!

2008-03-03T10:52:00.004Z

That bloody Willow 'Bungelow' Caldera has tagged me cos she is EVIL! Here's the rules.

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

After many minutes of tortured decision making (I mean it's not that absurd that I might be reading Sigmund Freud at the moment) I decided to tell the semi truth (the bit from that dirty slutty Beauty book that Tie made me read was, tragically, very very dull) and went with the Russel Brand autobiography, My Booky Wook.

"I was unemployed, penniless, birdless and desperate for his approval; we were the perfect holiday companions. On the plane home he said 'I went away with a boy and came back with a man'. Both of these people were me, so what happened to induce such a significant transition?"

All very poignant indeed (I'm saying nothing about the prostitute shagging).

Actually it is a very fucking good book. Go buy.

OH! Tagging! Right I will be tagging Rosie Shark, Lillie Yifu, Trinity Serpentine, Tiernan Serpentine and Mygdala March

Doned

Keep Dreamin'

2008-03-01T09:10:00.002Z

Ok ok, I'm perfectly aware that blogging a dream you had is a bit lame but... Fuck off! My blog, so nyer.

The thing is I have the freakiest dreams ever so I shall share them so you can all see what a loon I am and ostracise me from society.

It all started when I had gone to a place I lived at when I was around 12, it's a little town called Yateley somewhere along the Surrey/Hampshire border. So in my dream I'd gone back, for whatever reason, and was quite happily wandering around when a giant (and I mean proper giant, this thing could be dating Godzilla and still wouldn't be able to wear heels) fly type creature set about DESTROYING THE EARTH!

Some how me and Tie survived but were taken in by a Gorean camp who told us that everyone was dead and kept us in nasty slave conditions. Interestingly these slave conditions were not silks/nakie/little silver bells hanging from your minge. But just normal clothes. I met Tie up briefly when she jumped over a wall which featured a 20ft drop on the other side. Then she was all bruised and shit but had to go and work anyway. By this point it all gets a bit hazy as to the timeline of events. But there were definately big rooms full of things pertaining to a person or persons. There was an Elton John room. Some sort of boyband and a film which may or may not exist, but it was all 80's and culty.

Anyhoo, then I went to be collared *sighs* and the room was a bit like a place called Dairy Land. Now there's no pictures of the milking room on the site, but that's what it was like with a big perspex table thing. It all got a bit hazy from that point. But then I was in a field in a car with a gorean master creature scampering round outside but he'd left the keys in! So I leapt in the front seat much to the dismay of the six other slavey creatures (Who all hated me) and sped off only to discover when I hit the main road that THE GOREANS WERE LYING! There were cars and peoples everywhere, but now the police were chasing us with the gorean and it was all incredibly exciting but I woke up... Which was a bit sucky.

Anyhoo, lil insight into my world there.

You turn your back for one second and...

2008-02-25T14:50:00.002Z

THIS happens.

*sighs*

Oh oh oh oh oh EXCITEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-02-20T12:36:00.002Z

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Where The Wild Things Are FILM!

Please please don't cock it up!

Meme Stealer...

2008-02-19T16:14:00.003Z

... Robots in disguise. Oh wait, that didn't work. I was bored. Again. So I stole this from Willow and Willow.

1. Do you remember the first person who helped you in SL, and are you still in contact with that person?

Well, the first time around it was a lovely lady called Alliez Mysterio. Who helped me with my graphics card fuckedness and also gave me one of her apartments in a newbie complex thingy she had. She also showed me how to unpack boxes (before you could just open them) and gave me many dresses and so forth. She also set me up (sorta) with a blokey which would eventually lead to the demise of my RL relationship, but that wasn't particularly her fault. The second time around it was the delightfully charming Tiernan Serpentine who taught me how to CyB0rSexX0r properly and where to buy the best collars.

2. Do you stick around in SL for business, or for the people?

Neither, I stick around because I have an insanely awesome inventory of many things I could never bear to lose. Oh and for the sex too.

3. Who is the most positive influence in your SL?

There's been many an influence on me, mostly narcotic, but I have to say *cough* Tie again *cough "Sorry!"*. She set me on the path to being the creature I am today, and her ways and mannerisms, from the way she dresses (yeah I know I bitch, but it's true.. Most of the time) to her hehe, are things that I've picked up, modified, or just outright stolen. I really wouldn't be the same without her.

4. Is there someone who makes you roll your eyes and groan when they IM you or if you run into them somewhere?

Ummmm, am I meant to say names? To be honest there's a few people that make me go, oh why are you talking to me? But on the whole I've managed to get my list down to sensible, non freaky people. So it's all good.

5. Is there someone in your SL that makes you smile whenever you notice their name on your friends list, even if they're not online?

Gah, Tie again.... Obsessed much? Oh, but I do have a writer from a british magazine called Bizarre on my friends list. I very much doubt their account is still active, but it's my little touch with greatness. (Apart from all the SLebrities I have on my list *smirks*)

6. Do you let people map you? Do others let you map them?

I let people map me for kicks and if I'm overly fond of them. Although it does have to be said that it has led to a couple of sticky situations. I have a few people who let me map them, for reasons of sexual stalking, and some people who I've met like twice, who presumably let everyone on their list map them. The crazy fools.

7. If we found out tomorrow that SL was closing, do you think you'd still remain in contact with your friends?

Probably, the ones I REALLY like are all on yahoo or MSN anyway. Not that I'm ever on yahoo or MSN, but still it's the thought that counts.

Well that was all very exciting and killed a good hour.

Ta ra!

Murhahahahhaha

2008-02-08T18:40:00.000Z

62%

What do you write?

2008-01-27T16:51:00.000Z

I have too many blogs. Some are other peoples, some are work related (*snorts*). But I have two that are all mine.

This one is one of those, however. It's the carefully edited one. Anything resembling RL that isn't highly amusing is cast aside. My other one however is solely RL.

I don't much understand it really, SL is such a huge part of my RL in many many ways, and yet I need to segregate the two. In all honesty, this is Kitty Lalonde's blog. Aside from the occasional harpy fit, she's a cheery sort of creature. Even in moments of extreme misery she'll only ever answer the question of "How's you?" with "Not bad thankee". She's like my polite mask, the pretty window box to mask the dysfunctional family inside the flat. The airbrushing away of the broken veins and spots. Pity really. I'd always thought of her as being the same personality in a different package.

What's the point of all this? I dunno, I was just quietly musing and needed an outlet, so I thought, hell that blogs not suffered for the cause yet, quick jot down something cryptic and depressing.
So there it is.

Things we do when bored

2008-01-23T22:36:00.000Z

[14:28] Tiernan Serpentine: Tum ti tum, lovely weather at the moment
[14:28] You: Indeed, did you watch Corrie earlier?
[14:28] Tiernan Serpentine: Oh yes, it was ace
[14:29] Tiernan Serpentine: I loved that bit where the bloke and the bird were arguing about the price of those tracksuits
[14:29] Kitty Lalonde nods "mmhmm"
[14:29] Tiernan Serpentine trills quietly on her picolo
[14:29] You: I laughed so hard Daves cock slid out of me arse and I nearly bent it double, he saw the funny side after though.. Once the swelling went down
[14:30] Tiernan Serpentine: Awww bless, did he have to go to hospital like last time? When he got his large intestine sucked into that vacuum cleaner while he was trying to fuck you with it?
[14:31] You: Nope, we just put some hot water on it and he went and sat in the garden, twenty minutes later he was right as rain and masturbating over the fence at the people in the bus queue
[14:32] Tiernan Serpentine beams in relief, "Oh that's great!"
[14:32] You: You're telling me, how's Ernie and his sub incision these days?
[14:33] Tiernan Serpentine: Oh he had an accident while he was grating some cheddar to stuff in my arse, there was blood everywhere but luckily it looks just the same as it did before
[14:33] You: Awww that's good, you must have been worried what with Mary and her arse tulip explosion
[14:34] Tiernan Serpentine: Nah, my tulip is under control these days, though I do have to be careful when wiping
[14:35] You: You should try quilted double velvet, it's soft as owt, and still manages to get those stubborn streaks off
[14:36] Tiernan Serpentine: Hmmm I dunno, I have a problem with nuggets and need to use the extra abrasive stuff

Updated

2008-01-15T20:50:00.000Z

So Tie (looking resplendently wonderful above) and I have been vey vey busy with our house. After all of three months with our own sim we figured we needed to build a humble abode where we might while away the wee hours contemplating shakespear, politics and how long can you have been going out with someone before you can stop holding in farts (In case you were wondering we built the dungeon months ago.. Obviously).

Best described as a cross between a beach house and a cave with a retro modern interior juxtaposed with casual functionality *snickers*. And then we went and played in the sea.

Go figure.

I'll post some more pics when we've finished adding all the cats, hammers and naked pictures.

I'm still here.. Sort of

2008-01-11T21:33:00.000Z

Did I mention we got an Xbox? *sighs*.

I will be back.. Soon... Ish... Promise.

Sleeeeeeepy....

2007-12-22T00:12:00.001Z

My Man from Kitty Lalonde on Vimeo.

Made a video though.

Nini

An apology...

2007-12-15T11:58:00.000Z

As anyone close to me knows, for days I have been grappling with how best to reconcile myself to the people of Second Life, to acknowledge my own wrongdoing and still to maintain my focus on the work as a self promoting whore *coughs* I mean fashionista.

Others are presenting my defense on the facts, the law and the ToS. Nothing I can say now can add to that. What I want the Second Life people to know, what I want the Mean Girls to know is that I am profoundly sorry for all I have done wrong in words and deeds. I never should have misled the grid, the Mean Girls, my friends or my family. Quite simply, I gave in to my shame.

I have been condemned by my accusers with harsh words, and while it's hard to hear yourself called deceitful and manipulative, I remember Ben Franklin's admonition that our critics are our friends, for they do show us our faults.

Mere words cannot fully express the profound remorse I feel for what both the grid and the fashion community is going through and for what members of the Mean Girls are now forced to deal with. These past days have been a torturous process of coming to terms with what I did. I understand that accountability demands consequences, and I'm prepared to accept them. Painful though the condemnation of society would be, it would pale in comparison to the consequences of the pain I have caused my family. There is no greater agony.

Like anyone who honestly faces the shame of wrongful conduct, I would give anything to go back and undo what I did. But one of the painful truths I have to live with is the realty that that is simply not possible. An old and dear friend of mine recently sent me the wisdom of a poet, who wrote, "teh lolcat what haz teh cheezburger, is happeh, but teh powah that cumz from teh cheezburger iz unwashed by all teh tearz".

So nothing -- not tears, nor wit, nor lolcat, nor cheezburger -- can alter what I have done. I must make my peace with that. I must also be at peace with the fact that the public consequences of my actions are in the hands of the people of Second Life and their representatives in the Mean Girls. Should they determine that my errors of word and deed require their rebuke and censure, I am ready to accept that.

Meanwhile, I will continue to do all I can to reclaim the trust of the metaverse and to serve them well. We must all return to the work, the vital work of strengthening our community for the new windlight. Our grid has wonderful opportunities and daunting challenges ahead. I intend to seize those opportunities and meet those challenges with all the energy and ability and strength Philip Linden has given me. That is simply all I can do, the work of the fashionable society.

Thank you very much.