Continued series of how to keep your friends...

As requested..... Please note Willow's pitiful plan to deny the act ever took place.

Tricked into embarrassing myself... again!

Kitty "bitch" Lalonde told me this was a serious job application so I wrote it seriously (being desperate for money and willing to do anything) *sighs*. Please hire me and not her because she stole the interviewer's rubby ducky which was a treasured childhood toy.

SL Name:
Tiernan Serpentine

RL Age:
29

RL location and time zone:
United Kingdom (GMT)

What languages do you speak (please provide proficiency level)?
English, asking for bread and coffee level French, typo, gibberish

Normal weekend/weekday SL Online Hours:
12-4 pm SL time weekdays and longer at the weekends

When are you available to start working?
Immediately


========
JOB RELATED
========

Have you ever danced before? If yes where?
Yes here and there, mostly at Ocean6 nightclub for a few months

Do you escort as well? If so, do you have regular clients?
Yes and no

Did you have any training? submission school or escort training?
I've had both submissive and escort training.

Have you ever had a leading position? or can you see yourself in such a position?
I'm not sure exactly what the question means, but I don't think so!

Why do you wanna work as a dancer/escort? fun? money? ect.
Mostly for fun though some shopping money is always appreciated.

Place a X next to any of the following services you offer as well as a number that reflects your SL or RL experience/skill (1 no experience, 2 so so, 3 good, 4 very good, 5 goddess):

Dancing X 5
Escort X 4
BDSM Dominant X 2
BDSM Submissive X 4
Fetish (e.g. showers, humiliation, etc) X 5!


=========
PERSONALITY
=========

How would you describe your personality?
Fun loving, flirtacious, generous, sometimes shy with a generally cheerful and welcoming disposition.

What are your major turn-offs?:
Anything particularly illegal involving children or dead people. Rude and unimaginative people.

What are your major turn-ons?:
Umm pretty much everything apart from those listed above! Mostly fetishes, kinky stuff, exhibitionism, strange insertions, bdsm....

======
PRACTICE
======

Consider the following situation where you are entertaining a customer. How would you respond to the following suggestions/requests? Use more than one line if needed.

"Hey sexy! Wouldn't mind having you dance on my lap *grins*"
"Oh hi! I'd love to dance in your lap but you appear to have something there already. Is there space for me?"

A customer gives you enough to make your top disappear, emote the actual stripping.
/me's dark eyes gaze down invitingly at Berty and she slides her hands up over her smooth belly, fingers splayed and caressing her glistening skin, her touch intimate and loving. She gyrates langourously to the music and pushes her chest forward to present her breasts to Berty as the silky little top slithers down to the floor, falling into his lap with a dainty little kick of her toe.

You've been given a yellow rubber duck whilst dancing on your table. What do you do with it? Show off your emoting skills.
/me takes the duck with a small smirk of amusement, it's smooth yellow body glinting in the subdued light as she raises it to her lips to taste, her tongue flicking out over the duck's head and trailing down it's hard plastic back. The toy glistens with saliva as she draws it down her chest and belly and into the darkened valley between her warm, glistening thighs, leaving a trail of wetness in its wake.

Feeling Frisky?

As you all may or may not know, I quite enjoy the dirtier side of Second Life, I outed myself on the Mean Girls sometime ago but I never really speak on what I get up to as such. Now, however, I feel I ought in the pursuit of hilarity.

Tie had been whimpering softly in a passive aggressive fashion about not being dominated horribly, so I decided that to get over this she we should play SLopoly for a while.

However, everytime I had to pay rent to Tie I made a demand of her, such as getting her to name her fantasies, and then people on her friends list she'd have sex with... Oh and then making her IM them her fantasy (I r ebil). This went on for some time (I r shit at SLopoly) and culminated in her joining a lovely group called Slut's for Use, and then IMing said group this little missive.

[14:03] Tiernan Serpentine: I'm a female with light blue eyes, very dark brunette hair. Smaller natural breasts, ones with perky, suckable nipples that get very hard with arousal. My cunt is shaved and very tight. So tight that you'll have to push with all your strength to fist me. I love animal sex, humiliation and public nudity. Please IM me because from the moment I set eyes on you you'll make me so incredibly horny that pretty soon I'm either going to have to go to bed with you or go to the doctor for a serious heart condition.

And the moral of this story? Don't play with me cos I be mean.

PS - Sadly for Tie her plea for sex fell on deaf ears and she didn't get a single reply.

I am feeling....

Yeah, the picture is an old one, but I don't care. My big big big problem today is Popularity.

Never a popular girl in RL, well... I'll be honest, I'm known, as in people know who I am, and will talk to me in passing, but they're not beating a path to my door in order to worship me, which is no bad thing. I like my position on the edge, occasionally I feel the need to be 'part' of things and then I run around like some sort of freak, firing off text messages handing out fags. But it's hard work and as a lifetime member of the lazy club, I can't be arsed to keep it up for long. Also you face hardcore opposition from the naturally popular people who are mostly, but not always, perfectly formed with angelic faces. These people only have to smile and the world smiles with them.

One of the things that interested me in SL was how the popularity thing would work out, in a world full of the perfectly formed pretty peeps wouldn't personality win through? I dunno, I believe that in SL the ability to hype oneself is all important in the winning of fans. The recent rash of popularity contests that there have been in SL only confirm it. Like many people I gamely entered the 12 avatars contest with the thought that I've done a pretty good job on my avatar and it may stand some sort of chance. Then I realised that all the 'winners' were pre picked and in order to get anywhere in the popularity carnage that ensued was to sell your soul and harass everybody you ever met into voting for you. I didn't and I believe finished the contest with 4 votes.

The same thing is happening with this Footwear thingy, I could urge you all to go down and vote for me, I could Plurk my soul and offer blowjobs for it, but I won't. In fact I urge you to go down and vote for Tania Tebaldi, as I think she's done a really insanely awesome photo, showing the shoes beautifully with the right air of sexiness and mystique, and should therefore win on merit of having the best photo...

Anyhoo, I realise I'm sounding like some sort of outcast harpy at the moment, and to be honest I don't much care. I'd just like to see more contests based on ability and not who has the biggest friends list.

/end rant

PS - Tie seems to think that this is a cunning manipulation, it isn't, anyone caught voting for me will have their genitalia skewered on a VERY SPLINTERY stick, which has been lying in dung for many weeks... Kthnxbai

Would you hire me?

SL Name: Kitty Lalonde

RL Age: 27

RL location and time zone: UK (GMT)

What languages do you speak (please provide proficiency level)?

English (Fluent) Typo (also fluent) drunken babbling (Mother tongue)

Normal weekend/weekday SL Online Hours:

12pm til 3pm SL time weekdays Weekends vary between those hours and all the time.

When are you available to start working?

Whenever

========
JOB RELATED
========

Have you ever danced before? If yes where?

Yes, a now sadly defunct club called Oceans 6

Do you escort as well? If so, do you have regular clients?

I do, and only my wife

Did you have any training? submission school or escort training?

I've had training in the fine art of sarcasm and piss taking.

Have you ever had a leading position? or can you see yourself in such a position?

I've been in many a misleading position if that helps.

Why do you wanna work as a dancer/escort? fun? money? ect.

Sheer boredom and the possibility of sex with people with comedy cocks.

Place a X next to any of the following services you offer as well as a number that reflects your SL or RL experience/skill (1 no experience, 2 so so, 3 good, 4 very good, 5 goddess):

Dancing X 5
Escort X 4
BDSM Dominant X 4
BDSM Submissive X 3
Fetish (e.g. showers, humiliation, etc) X depends on the fetish *winks*


=========
PERSONALITY
=========

How would you describe your personality?

Borderline insane, quite mouthy, makes every effort to find humour in everything.

What are your major turn-offs?:

Power cuts

What are your major turn-ons?:

Humour and cheesecake

======
PRACTICE
======

Consider the following situation where you are entertaining a customer. How would you respond to the following suggestions/requests? Use more than one line if needed.

"Hey sexy! Wouldn't mind having you dance on my lap *grins*"

/me giggles "Well I'd love too but you appear to have a small marmoset dancing in your lap already!"

A customer gives you enough to make your top disappear, emote the actual stripping.

/me slides her hands under the waistband of her top, pulling it up across her flesh as she moans softly. Hips undulating softly she continues to remove the top pulling it up over her head and gasping in dismay as it gets stuck under her chin. Attempting to remain calm she tugs pathetically at the top stumbling slightly as it eventually gives way. "Phew" she pants.

You've been giving a yellow rubber duck whilst dancing on your table. What do you do with it? Show off your emoting skills.

/me giggles happily at the duck making it bob up and down complete with little splashing sounds before leaping down from the stage and proceeding to chase people around the room with it making quack quack noises

Why Willow Needs A Wife™

Willow Caldera needs a wife because she is a secret lesbian. One only has to look at her blog and her Flickr to see that. The endless references to female genitalia and tribadism burst forth from the page like a spray of female ejaculation (for those who have honed the skill of squirting).

Endless pining for women of the sapphic persuasion is all to evident to even those most basically trained psychologists, in short, this is a woman in pain. Unable to deal with men and her obvious phallus issues she seeks respite taking pictures of her own avatar, all the time wishing for some lucky lady to call her own.

I have taken it upon myself to set Willow free from her yearnings and find her happiness in a large pair of breasts, I post here now, as an example my "Wife for Willow" CV, and I urge you all to post your own.


Dear Miss Caldera,

My name is Kitty Lalonde and I am writing in response to your advertisement for a wife. I enclose my CV for your consideration.

I first became interested in lesbianism during an "Insight" course which I attended during my second year at University. Since then, discussion with my careers adviser and my own research have confirmed my belief that this is an opportunity not for the faint of heart. I feel I am one of those ready to accept the challenge of such an undertaking.

I am particularly interested in a spousal agreement with you due to the high levels of recommendation of people in the sector.

During my time as a student I have had a variety of part-time and vacation jobs, all of which have required me to work to my very limits whilst naked.

As part of my degree course, I chose to carry out a final-year project which involved a statistical analysis of 150 dildo manufacturers and feel this grasp on such a difficult market will stand me very well should we enter into a binding contract.

I shall be available for an interview as soon as I knock off from the fish factory.

Yours sincerely

Kitty Lalonde.


Curriculum Vitae


Name: Kitty Lalonde

Rezdate: 4th July 2006

Education: Passed basic SAT's aged 11

Previous Experience: Once kissed a girl in the dark... By accident

Hobbies and interests: Fellating horses, reading, playing the piano with my tits and walks through Hard Alley

Other Skills: Able to deal with spiders, makes chicken noodle sandwiches, fluent in cunnilingus.

References available on request.

STOLEN!!!!!

From the delicious Miss Zander



To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's anything worse than most people expected....