Walkers World Cup!

Recently (ish) Walkers (UK crisp manufacturer) unleashed some new flavours on the unsuspecting british public. I say unsuspecting, I didn't know about it cos I live under a rock but anyhoo. During this weeks shop I remember various plurks about the new flavours and decided to test them all out in a experimental style with points and comments and everything. People involved in the proceedings were Me, Tie and children numbers 1,2 and 3. However we realised at the time of writing we had missed 3 countries (They must have been sold out, but we shall add them in at a later date).

Broadly Offensive's world cup debris scattered across the 'pitch'

First of all we had Guessing The Country game with much confusion and complaining that "They all taste like salt and vinegar" (Tie) and occasional whimpering. Things got very competitive with much changing answers but eventually Tie won with 4/12 and Child Number 2 was second with 1/12. Everyone else failed or wasn't taking part (I was the referee and setter upperer and child 3 was being stroppy)

Everyone was involved in the point scoring part. Trying to be fair and all we gave each crisp selection a vote of 1-5 (1 being rubbish) based on it tasting like what it oughta and general taste. It should be noted that child number 3 is very small and gave everything a 5.

American Cheeseburger

This one looked like it might be an early favourite, with my McDonalds loving brood "It's oversalted and crunchy like a big mac" said Tie, but sadly for the American team it was a poor start to the proceedings.
Kitty: 4
Tie: 3
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 2
Child 3: 5

Brazilian Salsa

Tangy and tomato-y was unpopular with Tie claiming it to be "Roast Chicken" and I compared it to "Licking a pig"... Don't ask how I know this.

Kitty: 2
Tie: 2
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 5
Child 3: 5

Argentinian Flame Grilled Steak

Tie continued to prove to be lacking in tastebuds by claiming this was also chicken. Steak just didn't live up to a decent standard for the majority of my carnivore lot.
Kitty: 3
Tie: 3
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 5
Child 3: 5

Italian Spagetti Bolognaise

Tasting more like a bolognaise made with Dolmio *scoffs* than a proper spag bol this one didn't get a lot of attention.

Kitty: 3
Tie: 2
Child 1: 3 Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

Spanish Chicken Paella

Oh. My. God. This was baaaaaaaaaad... In an unmummy like fashion I blurted out "Fuck me that's rank" whilst dithering other whether spitting it out was a bad thing. Other exclaimations around the table. Tie said "It tastes like paella, but paella that's three weeks old and scraped off the back of a dog" (Tie actually said "dock" but I misheard and anyway dog sounded funnier). All this cemented spains place as 'a nasty'. Even small child didn't like it "But was giving it 5 anyway". She's very forgiving to potato based snacks.

Kitty: 1
Tie: 1 Child 1: 1
Child 2: 1
Child 3: 5

French Garlic Bread

I'm suspicious that our delight and love for the garlic bread was due to it removing the appalling taste of the spanish effort but this one was loved by all (It was the first pile to go during the country guessing)

Kitty: 5
Tie: 5
Child 1: 5
Child 2: 5 Child 3: 5

Dutch Edam

Aside from my woeful geography knowledge and complete lack of understanding as to what Dutch actually is in regards to a country the Edam was "Nice and cheesy but not Edam" in spite of the dude at the shop telling me that his girlfriend was agog with the fact it tasted like edam.

Kitty: 4
Tie: 5
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 2
Child 3: 5

English Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding

To be perfectly honest the whole yorkshire pud element messed this up for england which was like a beef flavoured crisp with something nasty on it.

Kitty: 1
Tie: 2
Child 1: 1
Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

German Bratwurst Sausage

In my humble opinion this should have been the england entry but that is merely my small view. It did taste very sausagey but not specifically german.

Kitty: 2
Tie: 3 Child 1: 1
Child 2: 1
Child 3: 5

Australian BBQ Kangeroo

I think we were all a bit bored of crisps at this point because this crisp launched a discussion on why it should have been barbequed koala bear. That and the fact it tasted much like the steak. Needless to say the points awarded we all a bit vague...

Kitty: 3
Tie: 3
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 4 Child 3: 5

South African Chutney

I have no clue what this should have tasted like but it was quite tomato-y again and Tie liked it very much.
Kitty: 4
Tie: 5
Child 1: 2
Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

Japan Teriyaki Chicken

Clearly geographical stupidity runs in the family because this crisp started a debate about china not being in the list with Tie claiming their non appearance probably due to the fact they're not very good at football. Then everyone buggered off in a bored fashion or started asking for clubs.

Kitty: 2 Tie: 3
Child 1: 2
Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

The Winner

With 25/25 points the clear winner was French Garlic Bread, so grats to france.

New house has stuff in now!

So, we moved in, got internet, played fun games with delivery people. Discovered exciting and interesting facts such as never hire a carpet shapooing thing cos it will piss all over your carpet, and that it's not easy to maneuver a giant fridge without nearly losing fingers and that curtains are quite useful really.

Anyhoo, thought you might appreciate a pictoral update of some of our new goodies (with too many fridge shots cos I LOVE MY FRIDGE) and also my pathetic attempt to start a meme (go me).

First up SOFAS!!


They're all red and squishy and STUPID ME I forgot to take a picture of the spinny chair, which is the most comfy chair ever but is now covered in children who will pull faces at the camera and vogue it up thus taking away from the beauty of the chair.


The one on the right is a sofabed thing, Laura and Willis will never sleep on it cos they have a treehouse.


This is the office/study/pooter room. This is where the magic happens (Paul Daniels is in the filing cabinet). My pooter is the sleek black one on the left and Tie's is the giant silver thing on the right.

We shall not bitch though cos Tie bought me a mouse mat with BOOBIES!


This is my pride and joy however, my fridge. It is mine. People have to ask before they put things in it and I can't walk past without gazing at it lovingly and stroking it's sleek black surfaces *squirms*


This is the water/ice dispenser and button panel. One of the buttons is a vacation button... I dunno if the fridge fucks off when you press it though.

And here is some dispensed ice. Look at the coldness!

Ah ha! Meme Time... What's in your fridge? More exciting than bags in my opinion. Here's crap in my fridge (and freezer).

Milk - Lots of, dairy products ftw.
Cheese - Various packets at various stages of consumed
Juice - Apple and orange
Taramasalata - I love that fishy shit
Packets of mussels
Meat - Steak, ham, mince, burgers, bacon, black pudding and sausages
Cream - Whipped, double and ice hehe
Vegetable and salady things including half a tin of sweetcorn.
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Best butter ever
Strawberries!!
Wine
Tonic for Tie's G&T
Eggs
Strawberry Cheesecake
STRUDEL!!!!1!
Chippy chips
Birdseye Potato Waffles (they're waffley versatile)
A tiny piece of chocolate fudgecake that everyone is to polite to eat
Frozen Cottage pie ready meal cos I occasionally get cravings for them
Boil in the bag fish things in sauce (Pfft, this started off so healthy didn't it *sighs*)
Lots of Muller Corner yoghurts (Chocolate and biscuit, not fruit)
Mayonaise, ketchup, coleslaw, tartare sauce, apricot jam, pate, smoothies and malt loaf.

And here's a bonus picture a fridge raider...

Yes, it's the cat with the giant fluffy tail known as Lardy.

Fin

Kitty's cooking corner: Lasagne

So yes, I did promise fish pie after the noodle sandwich thing (which people are still not brave enough to try, shame on you). But I made lasagne instead, not everyday for the last 6 months either, however much Tie would like me to, but recentlyish enough to have a camera to hand. So yes.. On with teh cooking.


These are all the things you will require, obviously you don't need to get them from Morrisons, I do because I live in a morrisons but that's beside the point. I also missed out butter from the picture but nevermind.

You need:

• Mince
• Bacon
• Olive Oil
• Cheese
• Mushrooms
• Lasagne sheets
  
• Garlic
• A tin of chopped tomatoes
• Onion
• Milk
• Butter
• Tomato Puree (also not pictured)
  
• Oregano
• Basil

You can also add sweetcorn if you like it (I do but SOMEONE prefers it without...)

Chop everything up that needs chopping and fling the mince, garlic and onion into some sort of large pan thing (much like my Tefal wok type thing which is my reason for cooking). When the mince is brown throw in the bacon and mushroom (and sweetcorn if you have it). This will then cook quite cheerfully while you plurk, masturbate etc.

Once all this is cooked squirt tomato tomato puree all over it, don't forget to squirt some across the wall and cooker too so you look 'professional'. Then sprinkle basil and oregano and mix that mo'fo up. Bung in the tinned tomatoes and a pinch/sprinkle/some small amount of sugar in too. I dunno why, someone once told me it's something to do with counteracting the taste of the tomato although that would kind of remove the point of said tomato, but I'm too nervous of cooking things to disagree.

You can now leave the whole lot to simmer/burn for a bit while you make the cheese sauce.

Mix together some amount of flour and butter in a pan til it looks like this


Then you add some milk so it looks like this.

Yummy huh? Keep stirring it all the time so it ends up smooth, or get someone else to do it! The fun of cooking is making other people do half/most of the work anyway.

If you're alone or lazy get one of them blendery things and mangle the sauce til there are no lumpy bits.

Then you can add cheese. Or not, you don't have to add cheese, it's prolly healthier without but I love cheese so nyer.


Once all this is done you can make it up in a casserole dish, bolognaise sauce first then the white/cheese sauce, then a layer of lasagne sheets. Rinse repeat until you run out of bolognaise then on the final layer of lasagne sheets you just slop some white sauce over it and grate some cheese (more cheese YAY!)
Put all this in the oven and ignore it for about 30 - 40 minutes or until some bugger pesters you for food.

DONE!

Fish pie next time (maybe)

Noodle Sandwiches

I have explained this elsewhere, but here, in full glorious photographic stylee is a simple guide to creating this chav/posh delicacy... Noodle Sandwiches.

Noodle sandwiches are loved by everyone, including small children who relish in spreading the sticky strands across their cherubic faces. Even kittens love them (but only when you're not holding a camera near them and screaming "Eat the fucking noodles you bastard, it'll be funny!").
They can also be cooked with just a kettle if you're in the wilds/in a bedsit.

First off, ingredients. You will require some batchelors super noodles (chicken is best), some butter or olive oil if you're all swanky (actually, fuck that, never tried it with olive oil and it may well be vile). And some sort of cheese, cheeses that work best are cheddar, smoked cheese and mozerella. You'll also need bread, a saucepan and some sort of mixing implement (not pictured)

Ingredients (duh)

Having created your noodles to the specifications on the packet, you'll have to grate/tear up your cheese into the pan. You may need to return it to the heat in order to melt it all in properly. You can also add other exciting things like ham and sweetcorn, but we'll keep it simple for now.

Goodness in a pan (That's mozerella by the by, not chicken)

Next you need to butter a piece of bread and flop your noodles to one side of said bread.

You really have to trust me on this

Next, fold up your bread to create a half sandwich.. Consume!

Yummy!

And there you have it folks, next week we shall be making fish pie!