Newness

Well the time has come for me to grow up and stop playing on the intrawebz.... I JEST!

I just gots a domain! So now you can find all our adventures at broadlyoffensive.com WOOO!

Getting old now

Thank fuck and all things relating to fuck that avatars don't age! This is my av in 20 years time


Do yourself at In 20 years.com

Gone to the dogs

Cos we're a bit insane, we got a puppy today *cue pictures*

Everyone together.... AWWWWWWW

Sizing up dinner (Please note I do not have any say in what my children wear or buy, hence those shoes)

Dog Flail

Nothing exciting just another OMG WANT picture for the hormonally imbalance (me)

Brief bit of info for anyone who cares. The puppy is a boy puppy and is now named Loup, it sleeps a lot and hasn't crapped anywhere... yet.

Loup's mum was a German shepherd crossed with a Malamute and his dad was a Husky crossed with a Czech Wolfdog and he had 9 brothers and sisters (of which four still remain as far as I know for anyone interested in schlepping down to the Devon/Cornwall border for one of these).

Walkers World Cup!

Recently (ish) Walkers (UK crisp manufacturer) unleashed some new flavours on the unsuspecting british public. I say unsuspecting, I didn't know about it cos I live under a rock but anyhoo. During this weeks shop I remember various plurks about the new flavours and decided to test them all out in a experimental style with points and comments and everything. People involved in the proceedings were Me, Tie and children numbers 1,2 and 3. However we realised at the time of writing we had missed 3 countries (They must have been sold out, but we shall add them in at a later date).

Broadly Offensive's world cup debris scattered across the 'pitch'

First of all we had Guessing The Country game with much confusion and complaining that "They all taste like salt and vinegar" (Tie) and occasional whimpering. Things got very competitive with much changing answers but eventually Tie won with 4/12 and Child Number 2 was second with 1/12. Everyone else failed or wasn't taking part (I was the referee and setter upperer and child 3 was being stroppy)

Everyone was involved in the point scoring part. Trying to be fair and all we gave each crisp selection a vote of 1-5 (1 being rubbish) based on it tasting like what it oughta and general taste. It should be noted that child number 3 is very small and gave everything a 5.

American Cheeseburger

This one looked like it might be an early favourite, with my McDonalds loving brood "It's oversalted and crunchy like a big mac" said Tie, but sadly for the American team it was a poor start to the proceedings.
Kitty: 4
Tie: 3
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 2
Child 3: 5

Brazilian Salsa

Tangy and tomato-y was unpopular with Tie claiming it to be "Roast Chicken" and I compared it to "Licking a pig"... Don't ask how I know this.

Kitty: 2
Tie: 2
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 5
Child 3: 5

Argentinian Flame Grilled Steak

Tie continued to prove to be lacking in tastebuds by claiming this was also chicken. Steak just didn't live up to a decent standard for the majority of my carnivore lot.
Kitty: 3
Tie: 3
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 5
Child 3: 5

Italian Spagetti Bolognaise

Tasting more like a bolognaise made with Dolmio *scoffs* than a proper spag bol this one didn't get a lot of attention.

Kitty: 3
Tie: 2
Child 1: 3 Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

Spanish Chicken Paella

Oh. My. God. This was baaaaaaaaaad... In an unmummy like fashion I blurted out "Fuck me that's rank" whilst dithering other whether spitting it out was a bad thing. Other exclaimations around the table. Tie said "It tastes like paella, but paella that's three weeks old and scraped off the back of a dog" (Tie actually said "dock" but I misheard and anyway dog sounded funnier). All this cemented spains place as 'a nasty'. Even small child didn't like it "But was giving it 5 anyway". She's very forgiving to potato based snacks.

Kitty: 1
Tie: 1 Child 1: 1
Child 2: 1
Child 3: 5

French Garlic Bread

I'm suspicious that our delight and love for the garlic bread was due to it removing the appalling taste of the spanish effort but this one was loved by all (It was the first pile to go during the country guessing)

Kitty: 5
Tie: 5
Child 1: 5
Child 2: 5 Child 3: 5

Dutch Edam

Aside from my woeful geography knowledge and complete lack of understanding as to what Dutch actually is in regards to a country the Edam was "Nice and cheesy but not Edam" in spite of the dude at the shop telling me that his girlfriend was agog with the fact it tasted like edam.

Kitty: 4
Tie: 5
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 2
Child 3: 5

English Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding

To be perfectly honest the whole yorkshire pud element messed this up for england which was like a beef flavoured crisp with something nasty on it.

Kitty: 1
Tie: 2
Child 1: 1
Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

German Bratwurst Sausage

In my humble opinion this should have been the england entry but that is merely my small view. It did taste very sausagey but not specifically german.

Kitty: 2
Tie: 3 Child 1: 1
Child 2: 1
Child 3: 5

Australian BBQ Kangeroo

I think we were all a bit bored of crisps at this point because this crisp launched a discussion on why it should have been barbequed koala bear. That and the fact it tasted much like the steak. Needless to say the points awarded we all a bit vague...

Kitty: 3
Tie: 3
Child 1: 3
Child 2: 4 Child 3: 5

South African Chutney

I have no clue what this should have tasted like but it was quite tomato-y again and Tie liked it very much.
Kitty: 4
Tie: 5
Child 1: 2
Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

Japan Teriyaki Chicken

Clearly geographical stupidity runs in the family because this crisp started a debate about china not being in the list with Tie claiming their non appearance probably due to the fact they're not very good at football. Then everyone buggered off in a bored fashion or started asking for clubs.

Kitty: 2 Tie: 3
Child 1: 2
Child 2: 4
Child 3: 5

The Winner

With 25/25 points the clear winner was French Garlic Bread, so grats to france.

So I'm an emotionally stable sort of person....

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	High
Schizoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Disorder:	High
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	Very High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Very High
Avoidant Disorder:	High
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Should I be worried about this

*runs around having a paranoid fit*

Thoughts on 2012

Ever since I was very small my favourite films have always been end of the world esque epics. Godzilla films (I'm a King Ghidirah whore), The Towering Inferno, Jaws... Ok the last one isn't an end of the world film, but it's early and my brain is addled.

In more recent years there have been these disaster movies which I've watched diligently, Independence Day, American Godzilla (insert bleh face here), The Day After Tomorrow and the film I watched last night.... 2012.

Ignoring Godzilla (which I really only put in the list so I had a slightly longer list) these films all have something in common... They're all shit. Not shit as in bad acting, or whatever, just sickening. This is the END of the freaking WORLD. One bloke driving a limo with his deeply boring ex missus and her new husband (who the film was clearly trying to get everyone to hate, I dunno why, ok so categorically if you drive a porsche you're on the lower end of the sliding scale of humanity. But the kids obviously loved him as did boring woman so he wasn't doing that badly so why the hatred?) along with his kids, one of which was very sweet and wore a hat the other was just... meh, through mass destruction with 20 gazillionty people dying all at the same time and surviving. I mean I can suspend disbelief but SERIOUSLY!

I'm not going to offer up any spoilers (I'm pretty certain you've all seen the 5 minute clip) but I think a more realistic end of the world (ie, it actually being the end of the bloody world) would have worked well for this movie. Cos the special effects are AWESOME, and that's awesome in the proper sense of the word (mouth gaping slightly, eyes wide etc).

In another 'slightly' ranty moment. Wtf is it with the portrayal of the british in american big budget movies? It almost seems there is a stock choice of four british stereotypes which they employ from.

1) Old, wellspoken and sinister: Sir Anthony Hopkins, Ian McKellen et al
2) Foppish and bewildered: Hugh Grant
3) Mad: Various obscure actors who prolly appeared in old Micheal Caine films.
4) Shaven headed and from London: Vinnie Jones, Jason Statham.

(There is actually a fifth category of british but being american which I believe was copywrited by Ewan McGregor)

Also if britain needs to be featured it will be shown to be britain by the inclusion of Big Ben in the background somewhere.

All that aside, my recomendation if you want to watch a proper end of the world movie is to go and watch Cloverfield, so long as you skip the stupid bit in the park, it's pure gold.

Pyggermeback Festival

As you all know the RL Kitty and Tie upped sticks and moved FOUR WHOLE MILES up the road, and have been settling into our new hometown and getting used to all it's customs. One of the more exciting festivals they have is the Pyggermeback Festival.

The date this festival began is unknown but takes its roots from 1841 when all the remaining french from the french occupation of cornwall had been pushed into caves in a nearby village. On the 6th of March these treacherous fiends gathered to form an army heading for our beloved village. On hearing of this great peril the local men formed their own army, standing proud at the entrance to our village singing cornish songs of heroism to rally the troops. One of these was the song Pyggermeback, which even the simplest of fools could join in with the words. When the french heard the good people of our village singing their song they turned on their heels and fled. Later they were pursued into their caves and slaughtered. Only a handful remained and these became the french survivalists.

The festival is a simple one, but it warms the hearts of all the locals and anyone in earshot. All the men of the village stand outside their homes at 8am and sing the same song their forefathers sang so many years ago...

Pyggermeback, Pyggermeback, Pyggermeback, Pyggermeback.
Pyggermeback, Pyggermeback, Pyggermeback to Trelawney

10 Things You Don't Know and Don't Need To!

Aside from pondering changing the name of this blog to 'Will only post memes' I've been doing... Not so much! Have a meme!

1: I've had 15 siblings but am an only child (The siblings are all steps, halfs and fosters and I've never met 3 of them)

2: I was a complete ASBO teenager and my exploits included being picked up by the police at 4am wearing a nightie, being expelled from school and getting a caution (seperate occasion) for smashing a car windscreen.

3: I despise myself for saying LOL on occasion.

4: One of my best sexual moments was when I was still half asleep and dreaming about having a threesome in a police station.

5: I had a wart on my hand as a child and retaliated against the bullies by telling them it was contagious and chasing them around the playground.

6: I have a bone handled fooking massive bowie knife and it never fails to amuse me doing the whole "That's not a knife" in a shit aussie accent thing.

7: I never learnt an instrument as a child but can play the guitar to some degree now.

8: My ideal home would be a self sufficient farm in the middle of nowhere (I have quite worked the whole internet access into this fantasy yet)

9: Dead things freak me out, I can't look at or touch anything dead, even insects, as I have a terrible fear that bits of their body will break off.

10: I've grown to hate the name Kitty and fervently wish I could change it.

Happy birthd.... fuck it MUSTANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yah, it's mah birthday. And over the weekend Tie (who shall henceforth be known as Tie, the most awesome person in the universe EVAH) took me away from the hell hole that is Cornwall. We spent the night in a hotel, which had some pleasant amenities (porn) and we spent the evening enjoyably (had sex). The next day Tie fucked of and left me to sit outside the front of the posh hotel for some amount of time. Which was a bit pants cos it was quite posh and all the people made me feel like a tramp/hooker/internet freak/all of the above. But never mind all that cos they soon got their arses well and truely handed to them when Tie turned the corner in THIS...


Just to clarify this is a 1966 Fastback Mustang which is my DREAM CAR. Tie hired it for the day (complete with picnic) and Oh. My. God.

I very nearly 'dropped a gusher' right there and then in the hotel carpark, and then did several minutes later when it got 'opened up' on the road.

Holy fucking shit did that car make the sexiest noise ever, srsly. It's sexier than Captain Jack Sparrow murmuring rum soaked obscenities in your ear, it's THAT good. After roaring (and that isn't artistic licence, it did really roar) up and down the civilised lanes of middle england in the loudest rudest bad ass mother fucker to come out of the USA. Then we stopped in a layby to wank over the car and take more pictures (of the car, not the wanking)


And LOOK, this is the picnic we got with it (although we'd eaten much of the food by this point)

Then we tootled (translation - Tore up like a bitch) down some more lanes to the Heritage Motor Museum. Where we got in with a concessionary if we parked the Mustang where people could ogle it. Sadly though it's more of an English motor museum and we were promptly shunned by the many old shitty rover owners and up their arses Jaguar owners (although there was a crowd of Harleys but we don't think they liked us either).


There is the 'stang parked riiiiiiiight over on the left being SHUNNED. The bastards. Although we did feel slightly better when we angrily roared of past all their shit wagons.

I could carry on this blog post but I won't cos I think me and Tie have done enough verbal wankage over the car (to the point where we actually sound like retards) but I do want to say THANK YOU TIE for the besterest day ever!

p.s.

For all you petrol headed people you can have a look at the in and outs of the car here

Motorway Fun

Above is a lovely picture of the M5 motorway in the UK, it goes from Exeter in Devon to... Somewhere else.. Anyhoo, Tie and I have driven this motorway many many times including today. Not specifically very interesting but bear with me. These are some amusing games that we play on the motorway.

Pissing people off - Fairly self explanatory, mostly involves not moving out of the way and preventing people overtaking other people. Also two lane overtaking, not pissing people off particularly but entertaining none the less.

Pick three cars - You have as long as you are on the motorway to pick 3 cars that you want. Today I picked a new Ford Ka, driven by a little old lady, which Tie claims broke down. A big fancy horse box thinger, lest there were hugely expensive thoroughbreds in there and a big thick throbbing Triumph with a back wheel width that was, well wide. Oh the noise that thing made *wistful sigh*.
Tie picked some giant camper van/palace on wheels, two random tankers (contents unknown) and the bike because it was the most awesome thing on the motorway.

Laughing at people - We were following a lil hatchback thing and listening to radio 1, then I noticed that the passenger of the LHT was flailing their arms around in a pretty good approximation of old school rave dancing (big fish little fish cardboard box). I pointed it out to Tie and then we noticed Faithless Insomnia was playing on Radio 1. Just before the anthemic kick off (which never fails to make the old hairs stand up) I said, he's going to dance again now... And he did, good times I tell you.

Playing 'games' with other cars - Tie mocks me continuously for this, but you can play little chasey games with other cars (on clear stretches at least) overtaking each other and general malarky. I find it fun and amusing, Tie claims it's all in my head and that the other cars are unaware they're playing a game, but it's NOT TRUE. They all know about it and enjoy it too.

DJ Chigadee - Not a game, but a random thought of how to update road safety adverts/programs. DJ Chigadee (Tie's choice of name btw) would appear on a massive billboard that BLINGS with the huge slogan "Chigidee check yourself before yo wreck yourself". The billboard would also shout this at people that were driving badly (Tie). DJ Chigidee would also shout "Driving when you is tired is whack, get some sleep aight". He would prolly sound a bit like Tim WESTWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

Yes we are mad.

New house has stuff in now!

So, we moved in, got internet, played fun games with delivery people. Discovered exciting and interesting facts such as never hire a carpet shapooing thing cos it will piss all over your carpet, and that it's not easy to maneuver a giant fridge without nearly losing fingers and that curtains are quite useful really.

Anyhoo, thought you might appreciate a pictoral update of some of our new goodies (with too many fridge shots cos I LOVE MY FRIDGE) and also my pathetic attempt to start a meme (go me).

First up SOFAS!!


They're all red and squishy and STUPID ME I forgot to take a picture of the spinny chair, which is the most comfy chair ever but is now covered in children who will pull faces at the camera and vogue it up thus taking away from the beauty of the chair.


The one on the right is a sofabed thing, Laura and Willis will never sleep on it cos they have a treehouse.


This is the office/study/pooter room. This is where the magic happens (Paul Daniels is in the filing cabinet). My pooter is the sleek black one on the left and Tie's is the giant silver thing on the right.

We shall not bitch though cos Tie bought me a mouse mat with BOOBIES!


This is my pride and joy however, my fridge. It is mine. People have to ask before they put things in it and I can't walk past without gazing at it lovingly and stroking it's sleek black surfaces *squirms*


This is the water/ice dispenser and button panel. One of the buttons is a vacation button... I dunno if the fridge fucks off when you press it though.

And here is some dispensed ice. Look at the coldness!

Ah ha! Meme Time... What's in your fridge? More exciting than bags in my opinion. Here's crap in my fridge (and freezer).

Milk - Lots of, dairy products ftw.
Cheese - Various packets at various stages of consumed
Juice - Apple and orange
Taramasalata - I love that fishy shit
Packets of mussels
Meat - Steak, ham, mince, burgers, bacon, black pudding and sausages
Cream - Whipped, double and ice hehe
Vegetable and salady things including half a tin of sweetcorn.
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Best butter ever
Strawberries!!
Wine
Tonic for Tie's G&T
Eggs
Strawberry Cheesecake
STRUDEL!!!!1!
Chippy chips
Birdseye Potato Waffles (they're waffley versatile)
A tiny piece of chocolate fudgecake that everyone is to polite to eat
Frozen Cottage pie ready meal cos I occasionally get cravings for them
Boil in the bag fish things in sauce (Pfft, this started off so healthy didn't it *sighs*)
Lots of Muller Corner yoghurts (Chocolate and biscuit, not fruit)
Mayonaise, ketchup, coleslaw, tartare sauce, apricot jam, pate, smoothies and malt loaf.

And here's a bonus picture a fridge raider...

Yes, it's the cat with the giant fluffy tail known as Lardy.

Fin

ZOMG NEW HOUSE!!!!1!

As you may or may not know, Tie and I have been enjoying the excitement of house buying and all that jazz and today, FINALLY, after braving the retarded solicitors, pushy estate agents and living in a big messy boxy shithole... We have our house, some of you will have seen in on the estate agent site, but these are pictures taken in the gloom today when we picked up the keys *hops squeals and bounces*

(WARNING: This post is VERY LONG and full of pictures, enjoy!)
(WARNING #2: I can't take photos, kkthnx)


So this is the outside of the new Broadly Offensive HQ. The sky was particularly dark and aggressive, as prolly were the neighbours.



This is my cooker, it came with the house and I reckon you could fit a cat in there, if not a child. I'll let you all know how that pans out.

Here is a picture of Replacement Tie. Replacement Tie stays hidden until needed, cleverly disguising itself as cupboards until you have some plates or something. Also, Replacement Tie does not require an endless stream of coffee which is a bonus. I'm not entirely sure Replacement Tie will be as adept in the boudoir, but as before, I shall let you know.


Look, I have no bloody clue what to call this, is it a breakfast bar? Is it a dining area, WHO KNOWS? I call it a table personally. You can also see the doors leading to small childs room and the study....


This will be the home of our pooters, sat side by side, bitching at each other. Not shown is the candlestick or Professor Plum.

Small childs room, small child is delighted with the overly girly mural thinger as am I. I'm sure it will last for a few years until she paints it all black and emos quietly out of the window.

Other side of small childs room with TEDDY BEAR SHELVES.. Oh yes.

Small child claims this is 'her' bathroom, but sadly she does not realise the effect of a jacuzzi bath on certain individuals (me)

Look! Jacuzzi bath!

Here is more kitchen which leads to utility room and other bed like rooms. Tie and I have concocted a fabulour plan to make bottles of blue nun look like dusty vintage wines on the wine rack, huzzah!

Not a shoe room, but a utility room, with a belfast sink, which is THE SEX ON FIRE, oh yes! I've wanted one of the bad boys since forever so YAY!

MY SINK! And a small lesson in what happens when you say "Don't get in the picture"

The stair complete with a gateway to hell. Little fact for you, you can fit 3 children in that space and I can well see 'What can we fit in the hole?' becoming a staple of this blog

Back end of the front room/lounge, not exciting but I don't do house showings by halves you know.
Milk Tray mans entrance.

Our room, white and boring really. Although BDSM bed in on route (in 8-10 weeks -.-)

Ensuite door and walk in wardrobe, which is actually walk in and has a clever light and everything. Also known as 'Best hiding place after the stair hole'
I have a feng shui sink, go me. Also, the people who were moving out left bog rolls with little points on which made me squee.

Walk in wardrobe.

Up the stairs with have another child room. The top of the house is basically just for my elder children, with their own bathroom so I don't have to deal with waiting outside the door during one of their epic 'sit on the toilet for as long as possible to piss mummy off' things.

View from the pink room, it's very grey but I assure you that is the sea in the background.

Child bath.

Child sink with funktastic glass block things.

Blue room, it's blue. And now for the outside...

Decking with little lights and poles for 'entertaining'

Willis and Laura's tree house!

I expect you both to decorate this!

A green house, may actually house plants at somepoint

Vegetable garden... Ditto.

So there is our new home.

Fin