Happy birthd.... fuck it MUSTANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yah, it's mah birthday. And over the weekend Tie (who shall henceforth be known as Tie, the most awesome person in the universe EVAH) took me away from the hell hole that is Cornwall. We spent the night in a hotel, which had some pleasant amenities (porn) and we spent the evening enjoyably (had sex). The next day Tie fucked of and left me to sit outside the front of the posh hotel for some amount of time. Which was a bit pants cos it was quite posh and all the people made me feel like a tramp/hooker/internet freak/all of the above. But never mind all that cos they soon got their arses well and truely handed to them when Tie turned the corner in THIS...


Just to clarify this is a 1966 Fastback Mustang which is my DREAM CAR. Tie hired it for the day (complete with picnic) and Oh. My. God.

I very nearly 'dropped a gusher' right there and then in the hotel carpark, and then did several minutes later when it got 'opened up' on the road.

Holy fucking shit did that car make the sexiest noise ever, srsly. It's sexier than Captain Jack Sparrow murmuring rum soaked obscenities in your ear, it's THAT good. After roaring (and that isn't artistic licence, it did really roar) up and down the civilised lanes of middle england in the loudest rudest bad ass mother fucker to come out of the USA. Then we stopped in a layby to wank over the car and take more pictures (of the car, not the wanking)


And LOOK, this is the picnic we got with it (although we'd eaten much of the food by this point)

Then we tootled (translation - Tore up like a bitch) down some more lanes to the Heritage Motor Museum. Where we got in with a concessionary if we parked the Mustang where people could ogle it. Sadly though it's more of an English motor museum and we were promptly shunned by the many old shitty rover owners and up their arses Jaguar owners (although there was a crowd of Harleys but we don't think they liked us either).


There is the 'stang parked riiiiiiiight over on the left being SHUNNED. The bastards. Although we did feel slightly better when we angrily roared of past all their shit wagons.

I could carry on this blog post but I won't cos I think me and Tie have done enough verbal wankage over the car (to the point where we actually sound like retards) but I do want to say THANK YOU TIE for the besterest day ever!

p.s.

For all you petrol headed people you can have a look at the in and outs of the car here

Motorway Fun

Above is a lovely picture of the M5 motorway in the UK, it goes from Exeter in Devon to... Somewhere else.. Anyhoo, Tie and I have driven this motorway many many times including today. Not specifically very interesting but bear with me. These are some amusing games that we play on the motorway.

Pissing people off - Fairly self explanatory, mostly involves not moving out of the way and preventing people overtaking other people. Also two lane overtaking, not pissing people off particularly but entertaining none the less.

Pick three cars - You have as long as you are on the motorway to pick 3 cars that you want. Today I picked a new Ford Ka, driven by a little old lady, which Tie claims broke down. A big fancy horse box thinger, lest there were hugely expensive thoroughbreds in there and a big thick throbbing Triumph with a back wheel width that was, well wide. Oh the noise that thing made *wistful sigh*.
Tie picked some giant camper van/palace on wheels, two random tankers (contents unknown) and the bike because it was the most awesome thing on the motorway.

Laughing at people - We were following a lil hatchback thing and listening to radio 1, then I noticed that the passenger of the LHT was flailing their arms around in a pretty good approximation of old school rave dancing (big fish little fish cardboard box). I pointed it out to Tie and then we noticed Faithless Insomnia was playing on Radio 1. Just before the anthemic kick off (which never fails to make the old hairs stand up) I said, he's going to dance again now... And he did, good times I tell you.

Playing 'games' with other cars - Tie mocks me continuously for this, but you can play little chasey games with other cars (on clear stretches at least) overtaking each other and general malarky. I find it fun and amusing, Tie claims it's all in my head and that the other cars are unaware they're playing a game, but it's NOT TRUE. They all know about it and enjoy it too.

DJ Chigadee - Not a game, but a random thought of how to update road safety adverts/programs. DJ Chigadee (Tie's choice of name btw) would appear on a massive billboard that BLINGS with the huge slogan "Chigidee check yourself before yo wreck yourself". The billboard would also shout this at people that were driving badly (Tie). DJ Chigidee would also shout "Driving when you is tired is whack, get some sleep aight". He would prolly sound a bit like Tim WESTWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

Yes we are mad.

New house has stuff in now!

So, we moved in, got internet, played fun games with delivery people. Discovered exciting and interesting facts such as never hire a carpet shapooing thing cos it will piss all over your carpet, and that it's not easy to maneuver a giant fridge without nearly losing fingers and that curtains are quite useful really.

Anyhoo, thought you might appreciate a pictoral update of some of our new goodies (with too many fridge shots cos I LOVE MY FRIDGE) and also my pathetic attempt to start a meme (go me).

First up SOFAS!!


They're all red and squishy and STUPID ME I forgot to take a picture of the spinny chair, which is the most comfy chair ever but is now covered in children who will pull faces at the camera and vogue it up thus taking away from the beauty of the chair.


The one on the right is a sofabed thing, Laura and Willis will never sleep on it cos they have a treehouse.


This is the office/study/pooter room. This is where the magic happens (Paul Daniels is in the filing cabinet). My pooter is the sleek black one on the left and Tie's is the giant silver thing on the right.

We shall not bitch though cos Tie bought me a mouse mat with BOOBIES!


This is my pride and joy however, my fridge. It is mine. People have to ask before they put things in it and I can't walk past without gazing at it lovingly and stroking it's sleek black surfaces *squirms*


This is the water/ice dispenser and button panel. One of the buttons is a vacation button... I dunno if the fridge fucks off when you press it though.

And here is some dispensed ice. Look at the coldness!

Ah ha! Meme Time... What's in your fridge? More exciting than bags in my opinion. Here's crap in my fridge (and freezer).

Milk - Lots of, dairy products ftw.
Cheese - Various packets at various stages of consumed
Juice - Apple and orange
Taramasalata - I love that fishy shit
Packets of mussels
Meat - Steak, ham, mince, burgers, bacon, black pudding and sausages
Cream - Whipped, double and ice hehe
Vegetable and salady things including half a tin of sweetcorn.
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Best butter ever
Strawberries!!
Wine
Tonic for Tie's G&T
Eggs
Strawberry Cheesecake
STRUDEL!!!!1!
Chippy chips
Birdseye Potato Waffles (they're waffley versatile)
A tiny piece of chocolate fudgecake that everyone is to polite to eat
Frozen Cottage pie ready meal cos I occasionally get cravings for them
Boil in the bag fish things in sauce (Pfft, this started off so healthy didn't it *sighs*)
Lots of Muller Corner yoghurts (Chocolate and biscuit, not fruit)
Mayonaise, ketchup, coleslaw, tartare sauce, apricot jam, pate, smoothies and malt loaf.

And here's a bonus picture a fridge raider...

Yes, it's the cat with the giant fluffy tail known as Lardy.

Fin

ZOMG NEW HOUSE!!!!1!

As you may or may not know, Tie and I have been enjoying the excitement of house buying and all that jazz and today, FINALLY, after braving the retarded solicitors, pushy estate agents and living in a big messy boxy shithole... We have our house, some of you will have seen in on the estate agent site, but these are pictures taken in the gloom today when we picked up the keys *hops squeals and bounces*

(WARNING: This post is VERY LONG and full of pictures, enjoy!)
(WARNING #2: I can't take photos, kkthnx)


So this is the outside of the new Broadly Offensive HQ. The sky was particularly dark and aggressive, as prolly were the neighbours.



This is my cooker, it came with the house and I reckon you could fit a cat in there, if not a child. I'll let you all know how that pans out.

Here is a picture of Replacement Tie. Replacement Tie stays hidden until needed, cleverly disguising itself as cupboards until you have some plates or something. Also, Replacement Tie does not require an endless stream of coffee which is a bonus. I'm not entirely sure Replacement Tie will be as adept in the boudoir, but as before, I shall let you know.


Look, I have no bloody clue what to call this, is it a breakfast bar? Is it a dining area, WHO KNOWS? I call it a table personally. You can also see the doors leading to small childs room and the study....


This will be the home of our pooters, sat side by side, bitching at each other. Not shown is the candlestick or Professor Plum.

Small childs room, small child is delighted with the overly girly mural thinger as am I. I'm sure it will last for a few years until she paints it all black and emos quietly out of the window.

Other side of small childs room with TEDDY BEAR SHELVES.. Oh yes.

Small child claims this is 'her' bathroom, but sadly she does not realise the effect of a jacuzzi bath on certain individuals (me)

Look! Jacuzzi bath!

Here is more kitchen which leads to utility room and other bed like rooms. Tie and I have concocted a fabulour plan to make bottles of blue nun look like dusty vintage wines on the wine rack, huzzah!

Not a shoe room, but a utility room, with a belfast sink, which is THE SEX ON FIRE, oh yes! I've wanted one of the bad boys since forever so YAY!

MY SINK! And a small lesson in what happens when you say "Don't get in the picture"

The stair complete with a gateway to hell. Little fact for you, you can fit 3 children in that space and I can well see 'What can we fit in the hole?' becoming a staple of this blog

Back end of the front room/lounge, not exciting but I don't do house showings by halves you know.
Milk Tray mans entrance.

Our room, white and boring really. Although BDSM bed in on route (in 8-10 weeks -.-)

Ensuite door and walk in wardrobe, which is actually walk in and has a clever light and everything. Also known as 'Best hiding place after the stair hole'
I have a feng shui sink, go me. Also, the people who were moving out left bog rolls with little points on which made me squee.

Walk in wardrobe.

Up the stairs with have another child room. The top of the house is basically just for my elder children, with their own bathroom so I don't have to deal with waiting outside the door during one of their epic 'sit on the toilet for as long as possible to piss mummy off' things.

View from the pink room, it's very grey but I assure you that is the sea in the background.

Child bath.

Child sink with funktastic glass block things.

Blue room, it's blue. And now for the outside...

Decking with little lights and poles for 'entertaining'

Willis and Laura's tree house!

I expect you both to decorate this!

A green house, may actually house plants at somepoint

Vegetable garden... Ditto.

So there is our new home.

Fin

My Wife the Clever Bunny

Now I know I jest a lot about Tie's occasional bouts of silliness but I do love her very very much and think she is more awesome than a bagful of hybrid otters.

So this is just me going LOOK HOW COOL MY WIFE IS by showing you pictures (and a video) of her last build, although to be perfectly honest I could have just shoved in a picture of her arse cos she just radiates epicness.

Anyhoo


The whole thing is a seaside village, as you can see from the picture at the top, except it's got all these little walkways and steps hidden amidst the houses. Meaning you can get lost (I did, repeatedly -.-)


I loved these steps and the dock which is why I took many many photos of them.


Annoyingly enough this is for someone else, I don't get to live here *cries*


Woot for windlight!


This one was taken with shadow viewer, although I can't take proper snapshots and have to do print screens so ignore the sucky quality!


Shadow Viewer again

Steps in shadow viewer



Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand the video.