Thursday, 17 July 2008

Continued series of how to keep your friends...

As requested..... Please note Willow's pitiful plan to deny the act ever took place.

Tricked into embarrassing myself... again!

Kitty "bitch" Lalonde told me this was a serious job application so I wrote it seriously (being desperate for money and willing to do anything) *sighs*. Please hire me and not her because she stole the interviewer's rubby ducky which was a treasured childhood toy.

SL Name:
Tiernan Serpentine

RL Age:

RL location and time zone:
United Kingdom (GMT)

What languages do you speak (please provide proficiency level)?
English, asking for bread and coffee level French, typo, gibberish

Normal weekend/weekday SL Online Hours:
12-4 pm SL time weekdays and longer at the weekends

When are you available to start working?


Have you ever danced before? If yes where?
Yes here and there, mostly at Ocean6 nightclub for a few months

Do you escort as well? If so, do you have regular clients?
Yes and no

Did you have any training? submission school or escort training?
I've had both submissive and escort training.

Have you ever had a leading position? or can you see yourself in such a position?
I'm not sure exactly what the question means, but I don't think so!

Why do you wanna work as a dancer/escort? fun? money? ect.
Mostly for fun though some shopping money is always appreciated.

Place a X next to any of the following services you offer as well as a number that reflects your SL or RL experience/skill (1 no experience, 2 so so, 3 good, 4 very good, 5 goddess):

Dancing X 5
Escort X 4
BDSM Dominant X 2
BDSM Submissive X 4
Fetish (e.g. showers, humiliation, etc) X 5!


How would you describe your personality?
Fun loving, flirtacious, generous, sometimes shy with a generally cheerful and welcoming disposition.

What are your major turn-offs?:
Anything particularly illegal involving children or dead people. Rude and unimaginative people.

What are your major turn-ons?:
Umm pretty much everything apart from those listed above! Mostly fetishes, kinky stuff, exhibitionism, strange insertions, bdsm....


Consider the following situation where you are entertaining a customer. How would you respond to the following suggestions/requests? Use more than one line if needed.

"Hey sexy! Wouldn't mind having you dance on my lap *grins*"
"Oh hi! I'd love to dance in your lap but you appear to have something there already. Is there space for me?"

A customer gives you enough to make your top disappear, emote the actual stripping.
/me's dark eyes gaze down invitingly at Berty and she slides her hands up over her smooth belly, fingers splayed and caressing her glistening skin, her touch intimate and loving. She gyrates langourously to the music and pushes her chest forward to present her breasts to Berty as the silky little top slithers down to the floor, falling into his lap with a dainty little kick of her toe.

You've been given a yellow rubber duck whilst dancing on your table. What do you do with it? Show off your emoting skills.
/me takes the duck with a small smirk of amusement, it's smooth yellow body glinting in the subdued light as she raises it to her lips to taste, her tongue flicking out over the duck's head and trailing down it's hard plastic back. The toy glistens with saliva as she draws it down her chest and belly and into the darkened valley between her warm, glistening thighs, leaving a trail of wetness in its wake.

Feeling Frisky?

As you all may or may not know, I quite enjoy the dirtier side of Second Life, I outed myself on the Mean Girls sometime ago but I never really speak on what I get up to as such. Now, however, I feel I ought in the pursuit of hilarity.

Tie had been whimpering softly in a passive aggressive fashion about not being dominated horribly, so I decided that to get over this she we should play SLopoly for a while.

However, everytime I had to pay rent to Tie I made a demand of her, such as getting her to name her fantasies, and then people on her friends list she'd have sex with... Oh and then making her IM them her fantasy (I r ebil). This went on for some time (I r shit at SLopoly) and culminated in her joining a lovely group called Slut's for Use, and then IMing said group this little missive.

[14:03] Tiernan Serpentine: I'm a female with light blue eyes, very dark brunette hair. Smaller natural breasts, ones with perky, suckable nipples that get very hard with arousal. My cunt is shaved and very tight. So tight that you'll have to push with all your strength to fist me. I love animal sex, humiliation and public nudity. Please IM me because from the moment I set eyes on you you'll make me so incredibly horny that pretty soon I'm either going to have to go to bed with you or go to the doctor for a serious heart condition.

And the moral of this story? Don't play with me cos I be mean.

PS - Sadly for Tie her plea for sex fell on deaf ears and she didn't get a single reply.

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

I am feeling....

Yeah, the picture is an old one, but I don't care. My big big big problem today is Popularity.

Never a popular girl in RL, well... I'll be honest, I'm known, as in people know who I am, and will talk to me in passing, but they're not beating a path to my door in order to worship me, which is no bad thing. I like my position on the edge, occasionally I feel the need to be 'part' of things and then I run around like some sort of freak, firing off text messages handing out fags. But it's hard work and as a lifetime member of the lazy club, I can't be arsed to keep it up for long. Also you face hardcore opposition from the naturally popular people who are mostly, but not always, perfectly formed with angelic faces. These people only have to smile and the world smiles with them.

One of the things that interested me in SL was how the popularity thing would work out, in a world full of the perfectly formed pretty peeps wouldn't personality win through? I dunno, I believe that in SL the ability to hype oneself is all important in the winning of fans. The recent rash of popularity contests that there have been in SL only confirm it. Like many people I gamely entered the 12 avatars contest with the thought that I've done a pretty good job on my avatar and it may stand some sort of chance. Then I realised that all the 'winners' were pre picked and in order to get anywhere in the popularity carnage that ensued was to sell your soul and harass everybody you ever met into voting for you. I didn't and I believe finished the contest with 4 votes.

The same thing is happening with this Footwear thingy, I could urge you all to go down and vote for me, I could Plurk my soul and offer blowjobs for it, but I won't. In fact I urge you to go down and vote for Tania Tebaldi, as I think she's done a really insanely awesome photo, showing the shoes beautifully with the right air of sexiness and mystique, and should therefore win on merit of having the best photo...

Anyhoo, I realise I'm sounding like some sort of outcast harpy at the moment, and to be honest I don't much care. I'd just like to see more contests based on ability and not who has the biggest friends list.

/end rant

PS - Tie seems to think that this is a cunning manipulation, it isn't, anyone caught voting for me will have their genitalia skewered on a VERY SPLINTERY stick, which has been lying in dung for many weeks... Kthnxbai

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Would you hire me?

SL Name: Kitty Lalonde

RL Age: 27

RL location and time zone: UK (GMT)

What languages do you speak (please provide proficiency level)?

English (Fluent) Typo (also fluent) drunken babbling (Mother tongue)

Normal weekend/weekday SL Online Hours:

12pm til 3pm SL time weekdays Weekends vary between those hours and all the time.

When are you available to start working?



Have you ever danced before? If yes where?

Yes, a now sadly defunct club called Oceans 6

Do you escort as well? If so, do you have regular clients?

I do, and only my wife

Did you have any training? submission school or escort training?

I've had training in the fine art of sarcasm and piss taking.

Have you ever had a leading position? or can you see yourself in such a position?

I've been in many a misleading position if that helps.

Why do you wanna work as a dancer/escort? fun? money? ect.

Sheer boredom and the possibility of sex with people with comedy cocks.

Place a X next to any of the following services you offer as well as a number that reflects your SL or RL experience/skill (1 no experience, 2 so so, 3 good, 4 very good, 5 goddess):

Dancing X 5
Escort X 4
BDSM Dominant X 4
BDSM Submissive X 3
Fetish (e.g. showers, humiliation, etc) X depends on the fetish *winks*


How would you describe your personality?

Borderline insane, quite mouthy, makes every effort to find humour in everything.

What are your major turn-offs?:

Power cuts

What are your major turn-ons?:

Humour and cheesecake


Consider the following situation where you are entertaining a customer. How would you respond to the following suggestions/requests? Use more than one line if needed.

"Hey sexy! Wouldn't mind having you dance on my lap *grins*"

/me giggles "Well I'd love too but you appear to have a small marmoset dancing in your lap already!"

A customer gives you enough to make your top disappear, emote the actual stripping.

/me slides her hands under the waistband of her top, pulling it up across her flesh as she moans softly. Hips undulating softly she continues to remove the top pulling it up over her head and gasping in dismay as it gets stuck under her chin. Attempting to remain calm she tugs pathetically at the top stumbling slightly as it eventually gives way. "Phew" she pants.

You've been giving a yellow rubber duck whilst dancing on your table. What do you do with it? Show off your emoting skills.

/me giggles happily at the duck making it bob up and down complete with little splashing sounds before leaping down from the stage and proceeding to chase people around the room with it making quack quack noises

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Why Willow Needs A Wife™

Willow Caldera needs a wife because she is a secret lesbian. One only has to look at her blog and her Flickr to see that. The endless references to female genitalia and tribadism burst forth from the page like a spray of female ejaculation (for those who have honed the skill of squirting).

Endless pining for women of the sapphic persuasion is all to evident to even those most basically trained psychologists, in short, this is a woman in pain. Unable to deal with men and her obvious phallus issues she seeks respite taking pictures of her own avatar, all the time wishing for some lucky lady to call her own.

I have taken it upon myself to set Willow free from her yearnings and find her happiness in a large pair of breasts, I post here now, as an example my "Wife for Willow" CV, and I urge you all to post your own.

Dear Miss Caldera,

My name is Kitty Lalonde and I am writing in response to your advertisement for a wife. I enclose my CV for your consideration.

I first became interested in lesbianism during an "Insight" course which I attended during my second year at University. Since then, discussion with my careers adviser and my own research have confirmed my belief that this is an opportunity not for the faint of heart. I feel I am one of those ready to accept the challenge of such an undertaking.

I am particularly interested in a spousal agreement with you due to the high levels of recommendation of people in the sector.

During my time as a student I have had a variety of part-time and vacation jobs, all of which have required me to work to my very limits whilst naked.

As part of my degree course, I chose to carry out a final-year project which involved a statistical analysis of 150 dildo manufacturers and feel this grasp on such a difficult market will stand me very well should we enter into a binding contract.

I shall be available for an interview as soon as I knock off from the fish factory.

Yours sincerely

Kitty Lalonde.

Curriculum Vitae

Name: Kitty Lalonde

Rezdate: 4th July 2006

Education: Passed basic SAT's aged 11

Previous Experience: Once kissed a girl in the dark... By accident

Hobbies and interests: Fellating horses, reading, playing the piano with my tits and walks through Hard Alley

Other Skills: Able to deal with spiders, makes chicken noodle sandwiches, fluent in cunnilingus.

References available on request.


From the delicious Miss Zander

To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's anything worse than most people expected....

Thursday, 10 July 2008

I'm just a post machine, feeding my fantasy blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Still horny, found this.

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?

Apart from the ones I have had sex with? Hmmmmm there's a small possibility, yes.

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?

Well.... I do enjoy afternoon sex, it's relaxing and naughty all at the same time

3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

My side of course

4. Pork, beef, or chicken?

To have sex with? Umm beef, to eat? Also beef.

5. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?

I wasn't pulling over, the poor taxi driver was so I could vomit copiously into someones hedge.

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?

Only in second life.

7. Shower or bath?

Shower, I love showers. Great big high powered pulsating torrents of water are soooo much fun.
8. Do you pee in the shower?

Not on a daily basis, but I have done it a few times yes.

9. Mexican or Chinese?


10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?

Aggressive of course, sheesh, who wants a man who lies there like a log.

11. Do you love someone on your friends list?

Yes, I worship and adore someone on my friends list.

12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?


13. Love or money?


14. Credit cards or cash?

Cash, credit cards are evil.

15. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't?

I think I am that person.

16. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel?

I have done both (sorta) and I prefer the camping, apart from the part when you have to sleep that is.

17. What is the weirdest place you have had sex?

Probably in the middle of a pea field

18. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?

No way!

19. Have you ever been to a strip club?


20. Ever been to a bar?

Of course... Sheesh!

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?

Murhahahaha, I've been kicked out of school, but never an establishment where alcohol can be purchased.. Go figure.

22. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?

Ummmm yes.. In an ambulance *sigh*

23. Kissed someone of the same sex?

Many many times, girls are better kissers you know?

24. Favorite drink?

Jack Daniels, god I love that stuff.

25. Had sex in a movie theater?


26. Had sex in a bathroom?

Yep, many times. Bathrooms are fun.

27. Have you ever had sex at work?

Technically I work at home, so yes.

28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?

Yes *gasp*

29. Bought something from an adult store?

Pffft the staff waves at me in the street and ask me how the cat is (no euphemism)

30. Have you been caught having sex?

Yes. I'm not proud of it but I will blame Tie

31. Does anyone have naughty pics of you?

Only Tie to my knowledge.

32. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?

One of my fun little handicaps is the complete inability to call someone by their correct name, cleverly 'Baby' 'Darling' 'Gorgeous' and 'Rampant Sex Muffin' work well for all people in bed.

33. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?

Oh who indeed, it was soooooooo indecently prying *yawn*. PS - I tag you all HA!

Someone find me a proper dirty meme

Cybersexxoring 101

Begonia Bint has demanded I speak to you about sex... Whether it's for her hilarity or just desperate cramming we shall see. But nevermind, I give to you an ad hoc 101 to cybering.


Now we're well aware that the repeated use of the word "cock" and "pussy" is going to cause some amount of duress during cybersex, and carry the risk of being the 2 Unlimited of the sex world, and while it is fun to get creative BE CAREFUL.

Acceptable Names

Shaft, cock, cunt, pussy, member (fnar fnar).

Unacceptable Names

Pork sword, love truncheon, beef curtains, nether mouth (Sorry Ms Rice), rod (plumbing?), tool (makes me think of Tetsuo Ironman *shudder*), minge, vagina (ugh), gash.


In the real world FOREPLAY IS GOOD, it is in fact ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY *ahem*. However often in cybering foreplay leads to far too much typing... I mean really you don't have to type 4 sentences for every item of clothing removed, yes my shoes are "Gleaming gently in the dim light of the room, the silky material feeling warm to the touch as they slip sensually off the pristine flesh of my dainty feet" but my batteries are running low already!

Sexual Aids

Not a fleshlight... But the exciting poseballs, body parts and other joyous things that second life offers as direct enhancement to your wanking schedule. It's all been said before, know how to work this stuff and so forth but one thing not said is...

Make sure your prim testicles do not resemble a kilo of brains in a carrier bag and that your cock matches your skin... Thanks.

Ok, I'm bored now, next time we talk to Loaf about his list of "Kitty Cautions".

Ok ok, still simboarding, sorry!

Kittens will be on their way soon, but.... I has found something new! (Well, Coley found it, but I be blogging it) Anyhoo, tis called simboarding, and it has to be the coolest thing ever, not crappy jerky skateboards from other places but this thing is smoother than a metal dildo, faster than said dildo on a porn set, and slicker than the floor afterwards (I be horny, you shush now).

You can do the half pipe and get air on this thing! Actual air, not floating off miles away and ending up in a tree, oh no. You go up, you turn round, you come back down, just like a proper sk8or yo! Also you can 'pimp' your board, although I found that my board didn't appreciate being thrown at the denizens of hard alley in a mini skirt, so I settled for making a lil design for it in PS... Fnar fnar.

So, you should all go and get one and we can all while away the wee hours zooming and whooshing up and down and making up excitering lingo. Bodacious! *coughs*

Also, I had a thought for a meme (murhahahahaha) but I cannae remember it now, and I have a "how to get laid in SL (maybe)" hud thing to explain about. I'm sorta tempted to plop it on the fashion feed, but I'd rather jam a cheesegrater up my arse so maybe not.


Wednesday, 9 July 2008


Go and get a sim board immediately.

Oh and go me I made a video!

Simboarding in Second Life from Kitty Lalonde on Vimeo.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008


New MM skins.

Look the same as the old ones to my untrained eye, while lovely, the arse is a bit wierd, the shadows are a tad too high for my liking, meh, maybe my arse is to big.

Fashion Blogs.

All the clothes look the same, all the looks are the same, the names are the same, the jokes, the contests, the memes. Same same same same same. Blah. SL fashion is boring as fuck now, I'm sad to say, and I used to live that stuff... We need something new. I propose tentacle sex.

Copyright theft.

Isn't the whole of SL copyright theft? I'm going to scribble ™ on all the trees in my garden and sue some mofos.


Didn't go, didn't care. Perused some of the hoohah about 'no child av's, goreans or bdsm' briefly. Seems to me it's been "Your world, your imagination - Neither of these are welcome in SL, kindly leave them at the door (unless you're a multinational conglomorate business in which case, please take these sims)" for a while now and we really shouldn't be surprised.

Anyhoo, sorry about random negativity, post about kittens coming when I can bring myself to remove the batteries from my vibrator to put in the camera.