Saturday, 12 July 2008

Why Willow Needs A Wife™

Willow Caldera needs a wife because she is a secret lesbian. One only has to look at her blog and her Flickr to see that. The endless references to female genitalia and tribadism burst forth from the page like a spray of female ejaculation (for those who have honed the skill of squirting).

Endless pining for women of the sapphic persuasion is all to evident to even those most basically trained psychologists, in short, this is a woman in pain. Unable to deal with men and her obvious phallus issues she seeks respite taking pictures of her own avatar, all the time wishing for some lucky lady to call her own.

I have taken it upon myself to set Willow free from her yearnings and find her happiness in a large pair of breasts, I post here now, as an example my "Wife for Willow" CV, and I urge you all to post your own.

Dear Miss Caldera,

My name is Kitty Lalonde and I am writing in response to your advertisement for a wife. I enclose my CV for your consideration.

I first became interested in lesbianism during an "Insight" course which I attended during my second year at University. Since then, discussion with my careers adviser and my own research have confirmed my belief that this is an opportunity not for the faint of heart. I feel I am one of those ready to accept the challenge of such an undertaking.

I am particularly interested in a spousal agreement with you due to the high levels of recommendation of people in the sector.

During my time as a student I have had a variety of part-time and vacation jobs, all of which have required me to work to my very limits whilst naked.

As part of my degree course, I chose to carry out a final-year project which involved a statistical analysis of 150 dildo manufacturers and feel this grasp on such a difficult market will stand me very well should we enter into a binding contract.

I shall be available for an interview as soon as I knock off from the fish factory.

Yours sincerely

Kitty Lalonde.

Curriculum Vitae

Name: Kitty Lalonde

Rezdate: 4th July 2006

Education: Passed basic SAT's aged 11

Previous Experience: Once kissed a girl in the dark... By accident

Hobbies and interests: Fellating horses, reading, playing the piano with my tits and walks through Hard Alley

Other Skills: Able to deal with spiders, makes chicken noodle sandwiches, fluent in cunnilingus.

References available on request.


WillowC said...

Dear Ms Lalonde,

Thank you for your interest in this vacancy. Unfortunately, due to the high level of response, we are unable to respond to every candidate personally. If you have been successful in your application, we will contact you within 7 days to arrange an interview.

With best wishes,

Team Caldera

p.s. Nice nips.

Kitty Lalonde said...

Ooooo goody!

*sits by the letter box clutching the phone and staring wildly*

Dakota Blackmountain said...

Dear Miss Caldera,

Further to your advertisement for the vacant position of "wife", I would like to submit this application on behalf of myself and my partner, Tenebrous Pau.

Between us we have numerous years of experience in the most difficult aspects of "wifing", including cleaning, cooking, lazing around, and most importantly: spending money.

References can be obtained on request.

I look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Yours sincerely,

Dakota Blackmountain.

WillowC said...

Dear Ms Blackmountain,

Your have read your application with great interest. We would like to clarify one point: you do mean that Ms Caldera will be doing the spending, correct?

With best wishes,

Team Caldera

Willis said...

Before I apply, is incest wrong?

WillowC said...

Not in this instance, no.

Willis said...

Well then.. I don't think I *NEED* to apply *GLARES*

We know i'm hot, female or male.. and I provide good fry-ups, have great fashion sense, and we mock the same things about the same people at the same time, we're soulmates!


WillowC said...

Dear Ms Zander,

Your application was very strong indeed and we believe you might well have a point. Please provide assurance that you will do all the washing up and won't mock me when I buy stupid shoes.


Team Caldera

Kitty Lalonde said...

*Quietly purchases the whole of shiny things for Miss Caldera in order to undermine Ms Zanders application*

WillowC said...


watch*paint*dry said...

Dear Miss Caldera
Marry me beee-aatch! You know you want to. I have already made space in the wardrobe next to my stupid shoes.

I have no qualifications but am house-trained.

Look forward to hearing from you.


Dakota Blackmountain said...

Dear Team Caldera,

Thank you very much for your prompt and positive reply. I would like to take this opportunity to clarify that as Ms Caldera would be fulfilling the role or premier wife, she would be in charge of any spending required.

Yours in appreciation,

Dakota Blackmountain
Tenebrous Pau

Sylvie Girl said...

I speak for you, Mrs C. Now eat your peas.

Timothy Lilliehook said...

Are alts allowed to apply for the job? ;)