What's in my bag? (You'll wish you never asked)

Ummm yes.. First off I'd like to mention the things I DIDN'T include, which is a good kilo of receipts bus tickets and other random shit. I was going to, but then I realised that if I did do that then I would have to throw them away and clean the bag etc, which I really couldn't be arsed to do. Also my keys cos they live in the door unless I'm out.

Soooooo on with the contents!



















1 - Is my bag, it's a huge Billabong vinyl satchel thing that you can move house in which my friend gave me. It's wipe clean too which is handy.

2 - Random ropes and chains

3 - My old trustworthy whip, it's completely frayed but the leather still creaks and it smells nice so who cares.

4 - Usual boring handcuffs

5 - Pink anal beads

6 - Jackie O esque sunnies, useful all year round for face hiding and outward appearance of aloofness.

7 - My lil iPod nano, old and full of shit.. Much like me these days

8 - My Rabbit, Tie bought me this for my birthday and it's the best friend a girl can have.

9 - Big rubbery and scares the bejeezus out of people, inflatable dildos ftw

10 - Clothes pegs

11 - Vouchers for Subway! VITAL to carry with one at all times

12 - An ancient £5 gift voucher of Tie's for Our Price, I dunno if the shops still exist though

13 - My Animal wallet, I love this, although I once left it on the roof of the car and it got lost, but then returned to me a week later by the police, slightly knackered but still containing £11.80.

14 - Mobile, picked because it has DISCO LIGHTS!!! (Not shown)

15 - Two pound coin and a Morrisons shopping trolley pound

16 - Smoking paraphenalia. I smoke rollies but use roaches in them, meaning I leave a small trail of torn up rizla packet wherever I go.


And thus endeth the tour.

Where have all the memes gone?

Well who knows, but I decided to get over it by making my own, which no one will do and I will have some sort of paranoid breakdown but hey ho.

It's quite simple, relating to SL clothing, five things you always wear, 5 things you used to wear and five things you never wear. These have to be things you've purchased, no gifts or freebies, and you can just write about them or make purty pictures.

Got it? Excellent, so here's mine


I'm uber lazy so I mashed all the pictures together, the first get up you have to ignore the skirt, but it's basically the sweetest goodbye top with an unfathomable name. The Sinistyle boots and WRONG Fishnets. Next the gearshift jeans that I live in with the Juicy shoes.

For stuff I used to wear is the Suave shirt from Wintermoon which sadly got upgraded for the Armidi one although Suave shows more tit, which is good for showing more tit. Shiny thing boots which everyone with half a braincell own and a mini skirt from a last call set. Then is my beloved Versu pants from Nomine back from the dark ages of 2004 which do freaky things to your feet now.
Finally the Dark Eden boots, Etain herself (Namedrop WOOO!) told me that she always thought they looked unrealistic in the stuff and things but I didn't care. These boots got me more IM's of the 'Where did you get them' variety than I care to remember.


Now the best bit. The things I NEVER wear. I dunno where that jumpers from, I also don't know why I bought it. It's not horrible but It's never got further than "Nah....." in the wearing stakes. Then the dress. I bought that because the owner was there and talking to me. And she was nice, and I didn't want to tell her that I thought her shop was overpriced so I bought it. Go me. The boots are the first sculpties or boots EVER in SL. Which is why I keep them in a special box locked away from all and sundry *cough*.

Next is an outfit from Savvy? Now I loved this, and I still do, I just never find the right moment to wear it. Suggestions welcome in comments. And finally Armidi, stupidly expensive, very pink. Why? Who knows?

Anyhoo, more from me soon I promise.

Bitchtastic

I have just returned from the shittest school concert known to man. Now a lot of you nice people out there will be aghast at me claiming the sweet and innocent voices of youth is shit. But hear me out. I have no problem with the children, the songs they sang were wonderful and I could listen to them for ages... When they got to sing that is. Cos oh no, they're head master in his infinite wisdom used the school christmas concert as a show case for him and his wife to bestow the poor parents with their karaoke stylee renderings of the crappest songs of yesteryear.

Seriously, this man would have been most likely welcomed at your average old fuckers working mens club, or perhaps a sagaish holiday camp where the patrons shorten each others lives pretending to be Frank Sinatra singing from inside a tuba. But no, this was a SCHOOL CONCERT. And his warbling wife... Puhlease... Love, you may have missed a glittering career in operatic singing due to the fact that you generally sucked at it, but that's no reason to take it out on the rest of us.

As I sat there wondering whether I could will my liver to implode thus allowing me to escape the cruelest of tortures I had a fleeting glimpse into the lives of these people, how their poor relatives most be tortured at family celebrations. Although they're prolly all fucked up and join in.

So in summary, school concerts are for school children and NOT for teachers who want to sing Neil fucking Sedaka.

Kthnxbai

Broadly Offensive's Guide to Fun Sex Toys in SL - Pt 3

*sneaks in all slick and dripping bodily fluids while Kitty's not looking*
Since she's planning to blog something very cool sometime in the near future, I thought I'd take the opportunity to cover a few kinky basics from a random dungeon I found. Which is definitely not situated in our sim or full of all the things we like most.


Human statues and furniture aren't specifically sex toys or even that kinky by SL standards, but they're also not the sort of things you'd find gracing the Linden village. They're much more suited to a run-down ornamental garden or an impoverished cafe that don't have the cash available for regular furniture.


As you can see these things are all very utilitarian and practical, besides the danger of soil, ash, rose thorns and hot wax in various orifices.

The plant pot and ashtray holders are from the Forniphilia collection at Dark Delights, which also sells a collection of farmyard animals, traffic cones and machines far too complicated to explain. And the candelabra and coffee table are brought to you by VR Fetish which also has a posture collar with chain attached buttplug (which we're rather fond of).

Hilarity 4/10
Perverseness 6/10
Makes you horny 7/10
Liability to get you banned from somewhere 5/10 (if they notice you)

Dinosaur goodness

Stolen from Trinity's Blog

I could survive for 1 minute, 9 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

Broadly Offensives Guide to Fun Sex Toys in SL - Pt 2

Back once again with the renegade master.... Ahem. Anyhoo, back again with more exciting sex toys from the putrid sex den that is Second Life. Here we have summit from a lil shop that possibly not many have heard of. Netsui Kigyo. Mostly concentrating on bdsm stuffages, although she does the most awesome sex office chair in SL, this is the swing.


Simple premise of hanging from something in a pitiful state while passing stranger point and poke, BUT. She made it physical, so you can actually swing, or be swung by any nearby person. Providing great action shots such as these.


Apologies for this being a bit of a lame post, and not partcularly offensive, it was going to be bigger, but SL ate my pictures before sending them to my hardrive and I cannae be arsed to wrestle with it anymore today.

Hilarity 6/10
Peverseness 3/10
Makes you horny 7/10
Liability to get you banned from somewhere N/A

Broadly Offensives Guide to Fun Sex Toys in SL - Pt 1

Having laid myself bare I can now happily continue on with my mission to filthy peoples minds and make them scared of me, and what better way to achieve this than with my lovely new toy as bought for me by Tie (who knows me far too well to be bothering with crap like jewelry) which is so frighteningly cool I have to blog it, and so have created a cartoon, for little reason other than I thought it would be fun!


Yes.. Well. Anyhoo, it's a happy lil tentacle raping monster that jabbers away to you (With a disturbingly cute voice) and tries to cajole you into opening the backpack ("Hey! I found a shiny diamond ring in here!") so it can spring out and rape you.

It's an amusing fucker as you can set it to have moods, which seems to lead to it getting pissed off ("Why the HELL did you even BUY me if you aren't going to DO anything with me?"), and horniness levels, the higher that is the more likely it is to scream "On your knees, bitch! I'm going to pound you like the whore you are!" and rape you in the middle of Tuli's. You can also lock it in the backpack, but why?

It's available from Sensual Stoneworks the shop that bought you raping flowers, raping caterpillars, raping robots and umm a raping hermaphrodite half woman half zebra.

Scores on the slick and steamy floor

Hilarity 10/10
Perverseness 7/10
Makes you horny 3/10
Liability to get you
banned from somewhere 10/10

I can keep secrets (but not my own)

Secrets and lies is and awesome film, and also what has been flying around second life and the intrawebz for years and years. The above book by Sophie Kinsella is also very awesome. The long a short of it is that in a moment of terror aboard a plane a woman spills all her secrets to the man in the next seat, blah blah blah, happiness, love, the end. What is interesting is the secrets, her babbling diatribe is simply awesome, accompanied with head nodding and smiling from the reader.

After my last post several people said in comments and IM's that they feel the same, it shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I guess you get bogged down in your own reservations and paranoias. So now I lay the rest f my secrets bare. Why? Why the fuck not, maybe someone shares similar things and it's an extra bond in a friendship. Maybe someone will take courage from it to spill with a secret that needs to be told. Maybe someone will take it and use it against me. At the end of the day I'm not really bothered. Take this as a meme, take it as thought fodder. Shit, you can take it up a seedy back alley in the dead of night hehe. Here goes...

Silly Secrets

I once woke up after a very very drunken night out desperate for a wee, so I pegged it to the toilet but didn't quite make it.

I once stole a block of cheese from a supermarket I later worked for and I still feel guilty about it.

I hate smileys, and the little heart shapes people make, and also mwahs and muahs. I understand that it's cute but I can never ever bring myself to respond in a similar fashion.

In SL I'll change my clothes every 2 hours, but in RL I'm happy wearing the same pair of jeans for a week.

I love sex, I don't know many people who hate it. But I have almost nymphamaniac qualities about sex. Some days it's an obsession that clouds my mind to anything else.

Somedays I just want to be left alone but I'm too polite to say anything.

I once shot a crow and killed it for no other reason than I had a big powerful air rifle and was bored.


Big Secrets

At my last estimate I was around about £18k in debt. And I don't care anymore.

I cheated on someone once in my life and still feel incredbly bad about it.

I think I play on my computer far too much, but I can't seem to stop myself.

I also have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I used to write frequent a short story website, of the four stories I wrote two of them were based on my RL experiences and I was surprised how hurt I was when people critiqued my stories like they were fiction.

I'd love to come to a RL meet up but truth of the matter is I'm terrified to meet people outside of the nicely rounded pixels of Kitty Lalonde, and this will probably mean I will never go.

I was fostered at the age of 15 and my foster 'father' was a pedophile. He was sent to prison 10 years later for sexually assaulting 4 of his own children. Although I made statements and was set to testify in court, my case was never heard and I'm still bitter about it.

My ex husband died nearly three months ago and I still miss him terrible. Even though we were long seperated when he passed away he was one of the best things that happened to me in my life and his death is the reason why some days I can't even watch the X factor without crying. The night before he died I couldn't sleep, I was up til 6am fighting back the urge to go and drive out and just sit with him in the hospital. The fact I didn't will haunt me for the rest of my life. The land I let him live on in SL will forever be left as he left it and it hurts too much for me to go there.

I'm crying as I write this.



Admittedly that's not all my secrets, the mind goes blank when you actually try to type it. It is a large majority however. So there you go.

Invisible

There has been a great deal of hoohah about the SL Secrets thing, I dunno if it's a good idea or a bad one, but that's unimportant. The above picture would have been mine if I could have been arsed to send it in. The words I would have added to it are undecided, however the sentiment remains. Have you ever been at a party and felt like you were watching it rather than participating. Well, I feel like that a lot, and not just at parties either.

Interactions with a group of people have always left me feeling distress on some level. Was I boring, was I trying to hard, did my sarcasm translate meanly to one or more people? Am I not funny, am I too funny? Did I try to take over like some sort of attention seeking monster. Constantly trying to police yourself isn't an easy task, especially when you have a lack of thought editor between your brain and your mouth like I do. Then it all mounts up to this terrible feeling of fifth wheeledness.

I've had this feeling for far too long now and it's slowly doing my head in. I believe I'm forever destined to be the random person. The perpetual gatecrasher of circles of good friends, so I shall be sticking to one to ones from this point. Why try to keep up with the next door neighbours when you have eden sitting in outside your back door. I feel like I've neglected Tie at times recently, and now I'm making amends, she's so amazingly wonderful and I can't think of a better person to take on the world with.

I gots gestures

Okies, so after my ranty post about gestures apparently people paid attention, so here for your delectation is my datey date WOO!

All dates should start with ice cream, I believe it was mentioned the 1874 treaty on dating rights. Notice I shaved my armpits cos I r classy.


After delicious iced goodness we too off on a canoeing expedition, these canoes are actually exceptionally good fun until you have to stop and end up crashing into several previously peaceful fisherman. Oh and seagulls, ducks, walls, sim edges, rocks, trees and your date.

And then fishing, note the competitive postures? The rods were entirely in japanese and neither of us could make head nor tail of them (Even Druss who is fluent in Cantonese *snort*) however I seemed to be better at catching the retarded fish than he was so I lent him a 'lucky charm'....


Credits for the cat have to go to Loaf who founded it and gave it me as a prize! While it may look disturbing in the picture, when rezzed it is doubly so, it's supercilious glaring face following you wherever you may look.. Needless to say it frightened the fish as much as it frightened Druss.


Okay, this is where it gets awesome, the above picture is of the room that was made by a certain sexy someone especially for one dinner. I'm still grinning by how insanely romantic the whole thing was.


Mmm steak.

So yes, I've had a date and I am going to be SMUG about the whole thing for AGES... Nyer!

Hehe

After laughing ourselves silly for several minutes, Tie and I cannot think of any other way to make this more amusing... So enjoy!

SURPRISE!!!!!!!

Gestures, no not the random shitty howls you get in SL, I mean gestures towards other folk, tokens of appreciation that range from a hug to buying 10 sims so you can spell out I Love You across the maps screen (If anyone does this for you. marry them).

Some people make daily gestures that show their love, compliment, smiles and touches that let you know how cherished you are. Other people will go in for some convoluted plot of pwning proportions to get the message across. I'm one of the later, here's a brief example of how I roll. I went out for a 'walk' to see my 'friend', in the meantime Tie was directed to SL and a date in a room (which I had made/paid for). Upon arriving she was sent on a wild goosechase around search and classified, eventually leading her out to the RL car. In the car was a card with instructions to go to a petrol station around 10 miles away. I was waiting at the station and we swooshed up the A30 to have a picnic.

This is possibly my proudest moment in the dating world. Yes I was stuck sat like a muppet outside a petrol station for well over an hour cos SL's search fucked up, yes from the point when we were reunited I felt like I was a massive anticlimax. But still.

It does make me ponder though. Are grand gestures really necessary? Which would you prefer, lots and little, or vast and infrequent? Is it all entirely necessary and how long can you keep either up for?

I'm stumped on this one, my personal opinion is that grand gestures indicate levels of love felt, that however is prolly mostly who I am, and my skewed vision on couples, love and the world at large. However I do know that it makes me happy to do these things and that I shall continue to do so.

We love Gok

We love Gok's Fashion Fix on channel 4, and it always inspires Second Life dress up shenanigans. So we decided to do our own 'Fashion Face Off.


We decided on two categories, Working Girl, and Red Carpet Glamour. From left to right we have ME (Kitty hehe) taking the words 'Working Girl' a bit too far followed by Tie doing things properly. Then ish me again looking surprisingly subtle while Tie aims for full length see through glory.. The SLUT.

Anyhoo, added a poll for people to click on cos I like polls and I've never had one (You can prolly expect one of these once a week now).

Have fun!

Cat Sex Part 3

Yes it's the third exciting installment in the ongoing cat sex saga and they've multiplied into not just one sex crazed beast but one sex crazed beast and four more in training. We probably shouldn't have but they've all got names: from left to right, lardy, fluffy, speedy and mutant (no one can say we're not imaginative, though I worry for mutant as a teenager).



Fluffy's just like her mother, in the sense of them both sitting like cats.



Awwww, no they couldn't possibly turn into foul smelling, flea ridden sex fiends. Not possible!



The arse that launched a thousand ships (and might launch a few more as Tommy the butt-ugly tomcat is back and eyes are being made through the window).

Continued series of how to keep your friends...

As requested..... Please note Willow's pitiful plan to deny the act ever took place.

Tricked into embarrassing myself... again!

Kitty "bitch" Lalonde told me this was a serious job application so I wrote it seriously (being desperate for money and willing to do anything) *sighs*. Please hire me and not her because she stole the interviewer's rubby ducky which was a treasured childhood toy.

SL Name:
Tiernan Serpentine

RL Age:
29

RL location and time zone:
United Kingdom (GMT)

What languages do you speak (please provide proficiency level)?
English, asking for bread and coffee level French, typo, gibberish

Normal weekend/weekday SL Online Hours:
12-4 pm SL time weekdays and longer at the weekends

When are you available to start working?
Immediately


========
JOB RELATED
========

Have you ever danced before? If yes where?
Yes here and there, mostly at Ocean6 nightclub for a few months

Do you escort as well? If so, do you have regular clients?
Yes and no

Did you have any training? submission school or escort training?
I've had both submissive and escort training.

Have you ever had a leading position? or can you see yourself in such a position?
I'm not sure exactly what the question means, but I don't think so!

Why do you wanna work as a dancer/escort? fun? money? ect.
Mostly for fun though some shopping money is always appreciated.

Place a X next to any of the following services you offer as well as a number that reflects your SL or RL experience/skill (1 no experience, 2 so so, 3 good, 4 very good, 5 goddess):

Dancing X 5
Escort X 4
BDSM Dominant X 2
BDSM Submissive X 4
Fetish (e.g. showers, humiliation, etc) X 5!


=========
PERSONALITY
=========

How would you describe your personality?
Fun loving, flirtacious, generous, sometimes shy with a generally cheerful and welcoming disposition.

What are your major turn-offs?:
Anything particularly illegal involving children or dead people. Rude and unimaginative people.

What are your major turn-ons?:
Umm pretty much everything apart from those listed above! Mostly fetishes, kinky stuff, exhibitionism, strange insertions, bdsm....

======
PRACTICE
======

Consider the following situation where you are entertaining a customer. How would you respond to the following suggestions/requests? Use more than one line if needed.

"Hey sexy! Wouldn't mind having you dance on my lap *grins*"
"Oh hi! I'd love to dance in your lap but you appear to have something there already. Is there space for me?"

A customer gives you enough to make your top disappear, emote the actual stripping.
/me's dark eyes gaze down invitingly at Berty and she slides her hands up over her smooth belly, fingers splayed and caressing her glistening skin, her touch intimate and loving. She gyrates langourously to the music and pushes her chest forward to present her breasts to Berty as the silky little top slithers down to the floor, falling into his lap with a dainty little kick of her toe.

You've been given a yellow rubber duck whilst dancing on your table. What do you do with it? Show off your emoting skills.
/me takes the duck with a small smirk of amusement, it's smooth yellow body glinting in the subdued light as she raises it to her lips to taste, her tongue flicking out over the duck's head and trailing down it's hard plastic back. The toy glistens with saliva as she draws it down her chest and belly and into the darkened valley between her warm, glistening thighs, leaving a trail of wetness in its wake.

Feeling Frisky?

As you all may or may not know, I quite enjoy the dirtier side of Second Life, I outed myself on the Mean Girls sometime ago but I never really speak on what I get up to as such. Now, however, I feel I ought in the pursuit of hilarity.

Tie had been whimpering softly in a passive aggressive fashion about not being dominated horribly, so I decided that to get over this she we should play SLopoly for a while.

However, everytime I had to pay rent to Tie I made a demand of her, such as getting her to name her fantasies, and then people on her friends list she'd have sex with... Oh and then making her IM them her fantasy (I r ebil). This went on for some time (I r shit at SLopoly) and culminated in her joining a lovely group called Slut's for Use, and then IMing said group this little missive.

[14:03] Tiernan Serpentine: I'm a female with light blue eyes, very dark brunette hair. Smaller natural breasts, ones with perky, suckable nipples that get very hard with arousal. My cunt is shaved and very tight. So tight that you'll have to push with all your strength to fist me. I love animal sex, humiliation and public nudity. Please IM me because from the moment I set eyes on you you'll make me so incredibly horny that pretty soon I'm either going to have to go to bed with you or go to the doctor for a serious heart condition.

And the moral of this story? Don't play with me cos I be mean.

PS - Sadly for Tie her plea for sex fell on deaf ears and she didn't get a single reply.

I am feeling....

Yeah, the picture is an old one, but I don't care. My big big big problem today is Popularity.

Never a popular girl in RL, well... I'll be honest, I'm known, as in people know who I am, and will talk to me in passing, but they're not beating a path to my door in order to worship me, which is no bad thing. I like my position on the edge, occasionally I feel the need to be 'part' of things and then I run around like some sort of freak, firing off text messages handing out fags. But it's hard work and as a lifetime member of the lazy club, I can't be arsed to keep it up for long. Also you face hardcore opposition from the naturally popular people who are mostly, but not always, perfectly formed with angelic faces. These people only have to smile and the world smiles with them.

One of the things that interested me in SL was how the popularity thing would work out, in a world full of the perfectly formed pretty peeps wouldn't personality win through? I dunno, I believe that in SL the ability to hype oneself is all important in the winning of fans. The recent rash of popularity contests that there have been in SL only confirm it. Like many people I gamely entered the 12 avatars contest with the thought that I've done a pretty good job on my avatar and it may stand some sort of chance. Then I realised that all the 'winners' were pre picked and in order to get anywhere in the popularity carnage that ensued was to sell your soul and harass everybody you ever met into voting for you. I didn't and I believe finished the contest with 4 votes.

The same thing is happening with this Footwear thingy, I could urge you all to go down and vote for me, I could Plurk my soul and offer blowjobs for it, but I won't. In fact I urge you to go down and vote for Tania Tebaldi, as I think she's done a really insanely awesome photo, showing the shoes beautifully with the right air of sexiness and mystique, and should therefore win on merit of having the best photo...

Anyhoo, I realise I'm sounding like some sort of outcast harpy at the moment, and to be honest I don't much care. I'd just like to see more contests based on ability and not who has the biggest friends list.

/end rant

PS - Tie seems to think that this is a cunning manipulation, it isn't, anyone caught voting for me will have their genitalia skewered on a VERY SPLINTERY stick, which has been lying in dung for many weeks... Kthnxbai

Would you hire me?

SL Name: Kitty Lalonde

RL Age: 27

RL location and time zone: UK (GMT)

What languages do you speak (please provide proficiency level)?

English (Fluent) Typo (also fluent) drunken babbling (Mother tongue)

Normal weekend/weekday SL Online Hours:

12pm til 3pm SL time weekdays Weekends vary between those hours and all the time.

When are you available to start working?

Whenever

========
JOB RELATED
========

Have you ever danced before? If yes where?

Yes, a now sadly defunct club called Oceans 6

Do you escort as well? If so, do you have regular clients?

I do, and only my wife

Did you have any training? submission school or escort training?

I've had training in the fine art of sarcasm and piss taking.

Have you ever had a leading position? or can you see yourself in such a position?

I've been in many a misleading position if that helps.

Why do you wanna work as a dancer/escort? fun? money? ect.

Sheer boredom and the possibility of sex with people with comedy cocks.

Place a X next to any of the following services you offer as well as a number that reflects your SL or RL experience/skill (1 no experience, 2 so so, 3 good, 4 very good, 5 goddess):

Dancing X 5
Escort X 4
BDSM Dominant X 4
BDSM Submissive X 3
Fetish (e.g. showers, humiliation, etc) X depends on the fetish *winks*


=========
PERSONALITY
=========

How would you describe your personality?

Borderline insane, quite mouthy, makes every effort to find humour in everything.

What are your major turn-offs?:

Power cuts

What are your major turn-ons?:

Humour and cheesecake

======
PRACTICE
======

Consider the following situation where you are entertaining a customer. How would you respond to the following suggestions/requests? Use more than one line if needed.

"Hey sexy! Wouldn't mind having you dance on my lap *grins*"

/me giggles "Well I'd love too but you appear to have a small marmoset dancing in your lap already!"

A customer gives you enough to make your top disappear, emote the actual stripping.

/me slides her hands under the waistband of her top, pulling it up across her flesh as she moans softly. Hips undulating softly she continues to remove the top pulling it up over her head and gasping in dismay as it gets stuck under her chin. Attempting to remain calm she tugs pathetically at the top stumbling slightly as it eventually gives way. "Phew" she pants.

You've been giving a yellow rubber duck whilst dancing on your table. What do you do with it? Show off your emoting skills.

/me giggles happily at the duck making it bob up and down complete with little splashing sounds before leaping down from the stage and proceeding to chase people around the room with it making quack quack noises

Why Willow Needs A Wife™

Willow Caldera needs a wife because she is a secret lesbian. One only has to look at her blog and her Flickr to see that. The endless references to female genitalia and tribadism burst forth from the page like a spray of female ejaculation (for those who have honed the skill of squirting).

Endless pining for women of the sapphic persuasion is all to evident to even those most basically trained psychologists, in short, this is a woman in pain. Unable to deal with men and her obvious phallus issues she seeks respite taking pictures of her own avatar, all the time wishing for some lucky lady to call her own.

I have taken it upon myself to set Willow free from her yearnings and find her happiness in a large pair of breasts, I post here now, as an example my "Wife for Willow" CV, and I urge you all to post your own.


Dear Miss Caldera,

My name is Kitty Lalonde and I am writing in response to your advertisement for a wife. I enclose my CV for your consideration.

I first became interested in lesbianism during an "Insight" course which I attended during my second year at University. Since then, discussion with my careers adviser and my own research have confirmed my belief that this is an opportunity not for the faint of heart. I feel I am one of those ready to accept the challenge of such an undertaking.

I am particularly interested in a spousal agreement with you due to the high levels of recommendation of people in the sector.

During my time as a student I have had a variety of part-time and vacation jobs, all of which have required me to work to my very limits whilst naked.

As part of my degree course, I chose to carry out a final-year project which involved a statistical analysis of 150 dildo manufacturers and feel this grasp on such a difficult market will stand me very well should we enter into a binding contract.

I shall be available for an interview as soon as I knock off from the fish factory.

Yours sincerely

Kitty Lalonde.


Curriculum Vitae


Name: Kitty Lalonde

Rezdate: 4th July 2006

Education: Passed basic SAT's aged 11

Previous Experience: Once kissed a girl in the dark... By accident

Hobbies and interests: Fellating horses, reading, playing the piano with my tits and walks through Hard Alley

Other Skills: Able to deal with spiders, makes chicken noodle sandwiches, fluent in cunnilingus.

References available on request.

STOLEN!!!!!

From the delicious Miss Zander



To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's anything worse than most people expected....

Danger Poon says.....

I'm just a post machine, feeding my fantasy blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Still horny, found this.

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?

Apart from the ones I have had sex with? Hmmmmm there's a small possibility, yes.

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?

Well.... I do enjoy afternoon sex, it's relaxing and naughty all at the same time

3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

My side of course

4. Pork, beef, or chicken?

To have sex with? Umm beef, to eat? Also beef.

5. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?

I wasn't pulling over, the poor taxi driver was so I could vomit copiously into someones hedge.

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?

Only in second life.

7. Shower or bath?

Shower, I love showers. Great big high powered pulsating torrents of water are soooo much fun.
8. Do you pee in the shower?

Not on a daily basis, but I have done it a few times yes.

9. Mexican or Chinese?

Mexican

10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?

Aggressive of course, sheesh, who wants a man who lies there like a log.

11. Do you love someone on your friends list?

Yes, I worship and adore someone on my friends list.

12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?

Nup

13. Love or money?

Love

14. Credit cards or cash?

Cash, credit cards are evil.

15. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't?

I think I am that person.

16. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel?

I have done both (sorta) and I prefer the camping, apart from the part when you have to sleep that is.

17. What is the weirdest place you have had sex?

Probably in the middle of a pea field

18. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?

No way!

19. Have you ever been to a strip club?

Nope

20. Ever been to a bar?

Of course... Sheesh!

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?

Murhahahaha, I've been kicked out of school, but never an establishment where alcohol can be purchased.. Go figure.

22. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?

Ummmm yes.. In an ambulance *sigh*

23. Kissed someone of the same sex?

Many many times, girls are better kissers you know?

24. Favorite drink?

Jack Daniels, god I love that stuff.

25. Had sex in a movie theater?

Nope

26. Had sex in a bathroom?

Yep, many times. Bathrooms are fun.

27. Have you ever had sex at work?

Technically I work at home, so yes.

28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?

Yes *gasp*

29. Bought something from an adult store?

Pffft the staff waves at me in the street and ask me how the cat is (no euphemism)

30. Have you been caught having sex?

Yes. I'm not proud of it but I will blame Tie

31. Does anyone have naughty pics of you?

Only Tie to my knowledge.

32. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?

One of my fun little handicaps is the complete inability to call someone by their correct name, cleverly 'Baby' 'Darling' 'Gorgeous' and 'Rampant Sex Muffin' work well for all people in bed.

33. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?

Oh who indeed, it was soooooooo indecently prying *yawn*. PS - I tag you all HA!

Someone find me a proper dirty meme

Cybersexxoring 101

Begonia Bint has demanded I speak to you about sex... Whether it's for her hilarity or just desperate cramming we shall see. But nevermind, I give to you an ad hoc 101 to cybering.

Names.

Now we're well aware that the repeated use of the word "cock" and "pussy" is going to cause some amount of duress during cybersex, and carry the risk of being the 2 Unlimited of the sex world, and while it is fun to get creative BE CAREFUL.

Acceptable Names

Shaft, cock, cunt, pussy, member (fnar fnar).

Unacceptable Names

Pork sword, love truncheon, beef curtains, nether mouth (Sorry Ms Rice), rod (plumbing?), tool (makes me think of Tetsuo Ironman *shudder*), minge, vagina (ugh), gash.

Foreplay

In the real world FOREPLAY IS GOOD, it is in fact ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY *ahem*. However often in cybering foreplay leads to far too much typing... I mean really you don't have to type 4 sentences for every item of clothing removed, yes my shoes are "Gleaming gently in the dim light of the room, the silky material feeling warm to the touch as they slip sensually off the pristine flesh of my dainty feet" but my batteries are running low already!

Sexual Aids

Not a fleshlight... But the exciting poseballs, body parts and other joyous things that second life offers as direct enhancement to your wanking schedule. It's all been said before, know how to work this stuff and so forth but one thing not said is...

Make sure your prim testicles do not resemble a kilo of brains in a carrier bag and that your cock matches your skin... Thanks.

Ok, I'm bored now, next time we talk to Loaf about his list of "Kitty Cautions".

Ok ok, still simboarding, sorry!

Kittens will be on their way soon, but.... I has found something new! (Well, Coley found it, but I be blogging it) Anyhoo, tis called simboarding, and it has to be the coolest thing ever, not crappy jerky skateboards from other places but this thing is smoother than a metal dildo, faster than said dildo on a porn set, and slicker than the floor afterwards (I be horny, you shush now).

You can do the half pipe and get air on this thing! Actual air, not floating off miles away and ending up in a tree, oh no. You go up, you turn round, you come back down, just like a proper sk8or yo! Also you can 'pimp' your board, although I found that my board didn't appreciate being thrown at the denizens of hard alley in a mini skirt, so I settled for making a lil design for it in PS... Fnar fnar.


So, you should all go and get one and we can all while away the wee hours zooming and whooshing up and down and making up excitering lingo. Bodacious! *coughs*

Also, I had a thought for a meme (murhahahahaha) but I cannae remember it now, and I have a "how to get laid in SL (maybe)" hud thing to explain about. I'm sorta tempted to plop it on the fashion feed, but I'd rather jam a cheesegrater up my arse so maybe not.

Huzzah!

SIMBOARDING!!!!!!

Go and get a sim board immediately.

Oh and go me I made a video!


Simboarding in Second Life from Kitty Lalonde on Vimeo.

Opinions

New MM skins.

Look the same as the old ones to my untrained eye, while lovely, the arse is a bit wierd, the shadows are a tad too high for my liking, meh, maybe my arse is to big.

Fashion Blogs.

All the clothes look the same, all the looks are the same, the names are the same, the jokes, the contests, the memes. Same same same same same. Blah. SL fashion is boring as fuck now, I'm sad to say, and I used to live that stuff... We need something new. I propose tentacle sex.

Copyright theft.

Isn't the whole of SL copyright theft? I'm going to scribble ™ on all the trees in my garden and sue some mofos.

SL5B.

Didn't go, didn't care. Perused some of the hoohah about 'no child av's, goreans or bdsm' briefly. Seems to me it's been "Your world, your imagination - Neither of these are welcome in SL, kindly leave them at the door (unless you're a multinational conglomorate business in which case, please take these sims)" for a while now and we really shouldn't be surprised.

Anyhoo, sorry about random negativity, post about kittens coming when I can bring myself to remove the batteries from my vibrator to put in the camera.

Amendment (to cover all the moon shit up)

You have to have to have to check out Bo... Yo.

This dude is a genius, I kid you not.

Continued kleptomania

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I r the moon... Umm awesome

Edit: What? No drugs or alcohol? Are you shitting me?

I R Thief.

So I was perusing other peoples blogs (very very nice of me as I am obviously self absorbed and shallow, so you shall all be grateful) and I came across this little meme wotsit on This Party is Over. Now obviously I saw it on that Willow Caldera's blog too, but she gets way to much credit for spreading herself wider than (insert whore joke here), so I shall refrain from crediting her. Apparently it's a clever way to let your ipod explain you. Sadly my ipod is currently geared for plugging into my Xbox and driving very fast and generally being violent to. You have been warned


1) How would you describe yourself?

Plug in Baby by Muse.... Vibrator? Possible

2) What do you like in a bloke?

Murhahahaha Dolly Song by Holly Dolly I think I should provide YouTube links from here on in..

3) What is your motto?

Hundred Mile High City by Ocean Colour Scene... Yes, yes indeed. (btw, this is the BEST driving song ever... thank you)

4) What do your friends think of you?

Somebody Told Me by The Killers. Can't keep secrets me.. Bugger.

5) What do you think about often?

*snicker* Lazy by Xpress 2

6) What do your parents think of you?

Daydream by iMonster although possibly the previous one too

7) What do you think of your best friend?

Trick Me by Kelis.. Oh dear.

8) What do you think of the person you like?

Everyday I love you less and less by The Kaiser Chiefs... Paranoid people read into it what you will.

9) What do you want to be when you grow up?

Aren't a grown up yet? Oh well... Chop Suey by System of a Down

10) What do you think when you see the person you like?

Give 'em Hell Kid by My Chemical Romance.. Oh so true I'm afraid. Fookin awesome song though

11) What song will they play at your wedding?

Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand

12) What will they play at your funeral?

She Moves in Her Own Way by The Kooks, obviously if I start moving you should prolly decapitate me, as explained in every good zombie film

13) What is your hobby/interest?

*crosses fingers* something about sex, something about sex.... I Can't Read You by Daniel Beddingfield... 'kaaay.

14) What is your biggest fear?

Black Horse and the Cherry Tree by KT Tunstall. I'm actually fond of both thank you very much

15) What is your biggest secret?

Shitlist by L7. Be warned, I have one!

16) What do you think of your friends?

Atomic by Blondie. Nuclear bastards.

17) What is your theme song?

It Overtakes Me/The Stars Are So Big, I Am So Small... Do I Stand A Chance? by The Flaming Lips

18) What do you think of your family?

Make Damn Sure by Taking Back Sunday.. I R emo

19) What is your best friend's theme song?

Monster by The Automatic. It's true, she is.

20) What is your mood right now?

She's Just Killing Me by ZZ Top, very true, ill children are hard work. (watch vid for Mr Clooney *grins*)

21) If your heart could talk what would it say?

I Don't Feel Like Dancing by The Scissor Sisters. Too true, too true

22) What do your co-workers think of you?

Intergalactic by The Beastie Boys. I'm critically embarrassed by this one. So embarassed I'm not linking.

23) What does your future look like?

Dani California by Red Hot Chilli Pepper's. Oh yes my merkin friends, I'm coming for you! Murhahahah

Fin.

Cat Sex Part 2

So we all saw the pictures of horny cats, and we all thought it very sweet. BUT....

Let these pictures tell you a story



Looks like a normal cat huh?




Well it has THE BELLY OF DOOM! Yes, innocent kitten is now a mere statistic, a teen mother, a horrible victim of society and the morally devoid race that we are.. The dirty slag. However there is a lesson for all here.



Yes, here in all it's chilling glory proof that getting pregnant young will MAKE YOUR HEAD MELT.

Let's hope we've saved some lives tonight.

Scawwy

I was perusing I Am Bored the other day and it contained a link to The 10 Most Terrifying Video Game Enemies of All Time.

Being the video game fangirl that I am I had to take a peek, and whilst I agreed with a couple I thought the list was, well, a bit lame. So here is my own personal list of 5 least favourite thingies in pooter games.

5 - Sonic the Hedgehog.

Yeah, it was in the original list, but it was true, that fucking music that started up with the oh so cheesily fonted countdown timer on screen instantly caused "Oh my fucking god where's the bubbles? I need to get out NOW" hysterics.

4 - Resident Evil 2

The game was full of nasty things but was my favouritest of all the Resi's. God knows how many times I played it through to get some sort of quick time completion thingy. Things however got interesting when you unlocked the second stories. All very fun until helicopters started dropping flashing mac giant men. Who would stomp down the corridor in a mindless fashion intent on bludgeoning you to death with their big meaty fists. Bastards.

3 - T Rex from Tomb Raider

This one was a complete shock. I remember skipping quite cheerfully through the huge valley having dispatched the cheeky raptors with style and grace (jump and shoot ftw) when with no prior warning the biggest badly rendered lizard EVER stomps into view and promptly devours you, leaving you gibbering quietly at the screen and refusing to ever go back there.

2 - Silent Hill

I was kinda shocked by the lists complete lack of Silent Hill beings, while it was mostly the overall atmosphere of the game that left you pondering your sanity the monsters were mostly indistinguishable blobs with sharp bits. The ones that messed with my head the most were the black babies, or Larval Stalkers, to give them their proper name. These little blighters stalked the corridors of the school, didn't hurt you but made your radio go insane and squeaked in a wholly disturbing fashion at you. I actually couldn't sleep without the light on after them.

In joint first - Forbidden Siren and Warlock of Firetop mountain

Forbidden Siren was one of my blockbuster rental jobs, I had this game for 2 days and it was a love hate relationship. I loved it because it was very very well made, and had loads of clever little touches, however I hated it because it was FUCKING SCARY. You had this ability to see throught the eyes of the monster, when you could see what they were seeing you knew how you could sneak round them, useful as you'd foolishly been given no weapons. All very well and good until you see through the eyes of one who is looking at a hedge, and is making horrible guttaral breathing grunty noises. Then you skip round and they charge at you making more excited noises and then knock you over and eat/violate your near dead body. Nasty.

Warlock was one of the first games I ever played. It was on the spectrum and consisted of a map filled with pixellated spiders and little purple things. I doubt anyone else in the world has played it but it was fiendishly addictive. The plan was you'd run into rooms collecting keys and then go and fight a warlock kill him, open the chest, and escape... Apart from the fact that the warlock was the biggest cunt in the world and you didn't know which room he was in, and would often happen upon by mistake and get your arse handed to you. He was pure evil and I never ever managed to slay the little bastard, a sad fact that still haunts me today.

Teh Warlock!

I'm still here... Sorta... Part II

First off the above picture shows that I have a Blood Elf (Or belf for those hardcore among you) and am on Willow Caldera's secret hidden server. I'm Kittylish (Damn those other Kitty's) and Tie is Tierna (Damn those other Tiernan's as well) and I have a cat called Geoffrey....

In other news, for those that don't know, my reasons for being offline recently are due to my ex falling very very ill. It's not good and I'm not going into it, but it's fairly heavy shit and I just need some time to quietly deal with it all. I don't want vast amounts of sympathy and so forth, but I hate to fall silent with no good reason. So that is my reason and now you all know.

Much love to y'all

Random post time.

First of all, I has a piggy in WoW, well worth doing the Childrens week quest as you get a piggy, a rat or a toitle, or 5 gold... Whatever. LOOK at my piggy.


In other news, causing me muchos hilarity today is this lil Video from National Lampoon

Cat Sex

Last night we were safely holed up in the boudoir (Me, Tie, an xbox and a copy of GTA IV) when we heard some sort of strangled cat sound, so we trooped downstairs to discover our oh so innocent kitten had persuaded a big (and fucking ugly) tomcat to come in the house and other places. Having shooed the cat out we shut the window and that was that. Except the kitten was squeaking pathetically and making shag me eyes at the tomcat (imaginatively named Tommy by me and Tie) who remained outside the window, in the rain, making noise.

"Tommy, Tommy, where for art thou Tommy"

I got bored then and so returned to GTA. This morning I awoke to find Tommy still in the garden, looking, well wet, and the kitten still whoring it up at the window.

Wet Cat

So this cat has spent a good 14 hours, in the rain, just on the off chance it may get a ride. That's dedication, horny men make note.

Oh and on the off chance he's banged the kitten up, anyone want a pregnant cat? Thanks.

EEK!! A chain!

Anyone who cares to have asked (sadly very few) will know I have an intense dislike of chain things, emails, letters, notecards. I despise them all, the only chain I want contact with is a prim nipple type of chain, but I digress.

The problem is when the people I love send me these chain things, I want to respond, really I do, but I'm anti chain, so for those of you that have sent me the 'Getting to know you' note card, here's my response.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
7:45 am

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds, I dunno, pearls are just meh.

3. What was the last film you saw in the theatre?
Well Tie and I went to see that new Dead film by George A Romero. The one with the camcorder and the acid zombie destruction.

4. Favorite TV Show?
Bah, I don't really watch telly, so I shall say Friends.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Cigerettes, left overs or toast, or nothing. Oh and Tie's delicious tea.

6. What is your middle name?
Louise

7. What food do you dislike?
Sprouts, cliched but true.

8. What is your favorite cd at the moment?
Umm I generally make up mix cds to play in the car. But I do like them

9. Favorite sandwich?
Noodles (see previous post)

10. What characteristic do you despise?
People who constantly whinge about how fucking terrible their job/partner/life is without actually listening to advice or indeed doing anything about it.

11. Favorite item of clothing?
Head bands, great for keeping hair in a restrained fashion. Also my boobie enhancing (but often painful) bra

12. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation...
I want to drive across the states randomly for a few months. Possibly with a gun.

13. What color is your bathroom?
That horrible 'I'm redecorating' bits of wallpaper and bare wall effect. Although it's been like that for a while...

14. Do you make friends easily?
Sort of, I'll natter away with anyone but I'm so easily distracted. I think I neglect most of my friends to be honest.

15. Where would you retire?
In some sort of random little community, where you see the old dears in flowery dresses watering flowers and flirting with their 60 yr old 'toy boy'

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
Oh crap, I shall probably annoy many people with this (Sorry Tie) but I only ever really remember going to the zoo on my 21st and getting to feed the lemurs... Don't ask.

17. Favorite sport to watch?
Erm... The sport I mind watching least is probably rugby. Or gymnastics.

18. How many towns have you lived in?
Somewhere in the region of 7 I think

19. How many people do you think will send this back?
No one! Cos I'm not sending it.

20. What is on your bedroom floor right now?
What isn't on my floor at the moment..... Off the top of my head, several books, lots of strewn rizlas, some clothes, lots of crap, some chains, the box Tie's giant telly came in and a cartoon I drew (on request) of a horse fucking a woman.... Well you wanted honesty.

21. Favorite saying?
Anyhoo - Me

22. When is your birthday?
28th September

23. Morning person or night person?
I prefer mornings but nights are less stressful

24. What is your shoe size?
An english 8/9

25. Pets?
1 kitten, which is no longer a kitten but is still referred to as such

26. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I got GTA IV today... Go me!

27. What did you want to be when you were little?
Many many things, including a journo, marine biologist, actress, singer and witch (Mildred Hubble was terrible for small children)

28. Which talent would you most like to have?
Hypnosis.. Oh the fun.

29. Which words or phrases do you overuse?
Huzzah, anyhoo and I digress. Oh and snickers.

30. What is your favorite flower?
White lilies

31. What is the day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
Erm.... Christmas?

32. What color are your eyes?
Blue, blue/grey, possibly slate blue (Never ask Tie to define your eye colour)

33. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Zoids. They pwnd everything else on the planet.

34. Summer or winter?
Winter, coldness and blankety snuggles.

35. Hugs or kisses?
EEK human contact! *runs away screaming*

36. Chocolate or vanilla?
If we're talking milkshake? Vanilla

37. Do you want your friends to send this back to you?
Nope.

38. What is under your bed?
Monsters. And large amounts of crap and nostalgia.

39. When was the last time you cried?
Good question, I have no idea

40. Who is the friend you have had the longest in SL?
Tie.

41. What did you do last night?
Played WoW til 2am, had a shower, talked to Tie, passed out.

42. Favorite smell?
Chanel Allure or Dior Addict

43. What are you afraid of?
Jellyfish, moths and large things underwater (such as whales and airplanes)

44. Plain, sweet, or salted popcorn?
Sweet

45. How many keys on your keyring?
Pass, I lost my keys months ago and just use Ties

46. How many years at your current job?
What's a job?

47. Do you have any scars?
Loads, I'm an obsessive scab picker, my most notable non surgical scar is one that resembles a bean on my left knee. I got that hurtling around a sharp bend on my moped and scraping myself along a cornish wall.

48. Favorite day of the week?
Fridays are nice

49. What is your worst habit?
Farting

50. How old were you when you got your first crush on someone?
Umm I believe that would have been around the age of 7 (and it was Macguyver *sighs*)

51. How old were you when you lost your virginity? where did you lose it?
15, in a shed.. I'm all class me.

52. Ever been arrested?
No, although I've come close

53. What is the most embarrassing celebrity/band/whatever that you'll admit to liking?
Ace of Base... Sad but true.

54. If you could travel back in time, when would you visit?
Some sort of dinosaur time would be good for shits and giggles.

55. How many people are you sending this to?
No one! Murhahahahahah

Noodle Sandwiches

I have explained this elsewhere, but here, in full glorious photographic stylee is a simple guide to creating this chav/posh delicacy... Noodle Sandwiches.

Noodle sandwiches are loved by everyone, including small children who relish in spreading the sticky strands across their cherubic faces. Even kittens love them (but only when you're not holding a camera near them and screaming "Eat the fucking noodles you bastard, it'll be funny!").
They can also be cooked with just a kettle if you're in the wilds/in a bedsit.

First off, ingredients. You will require some batchelors super noodles (chicken is best), some butter or olive oil if you're all swanky (actually, fuck that, never tried it with olive oil and it may well be vile). And some sort of cheese, cheeses that work best are cheddar, smoked cheese and mozerella. You'll also need bread, a saucepan and some sort of mixing implement (not pictured)

Ingredients (duh)

Having created your noodles to the specifications on the packet, you'll have to grate/tear up your cheese into the pan. You may need to return it to the heat in order to melt it all in properly. You can also add other exciting things like ham and sweetcorn, but we'll keep it simple for now.

Goodness in a pan (That's mozerella by the by, not chicken)

Next you need to butter a piece of bread and flop your noodles to one side of said bread.

You really have to trust me on this

Next, fold up your bread to create a half sandwich.. Consume!

Yummy!

And there you have it folks, next week we shall be making fish pie!